BY   EUGENE   FIELD 


Second  Book  of  Tales. 

Songs  and  Other  Verse. 

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The  House. 

The  Love  Affairs  of  a  Bibliomaniac. 

A  Little  Book  of  Profitable  Tales. 

A  Little  Book  of  Western  Verse. 

Second  Book  of  Verse. 

Echoes  from  the  Sablne  Farm. 

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A  Little  Book  of  Profitable  Tales. 

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With  Trumpet  and  Drum. 

i6mo,  $1.00. 

Love  Songs  of  Childhood. 

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Songs  of  Childhood. 

Verses  by  EUGENE  FIELD.     Music  by  REGINALD 
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THE    HOUSE 

#n  (Episoue  in  tfce  3Ltoefli  of  fteubnt  515afeer, 
Astronomer,  ano  of  I)i0  Wiite 


BY 

EUGENE    FIELD 


NEW  YORK 

CHARLES   SCRIBNER'S   SONS 
1903 


Copyright  lSy6 

BY  JUHA  SUTHERLAND  FIELD 


MANHATTAN  PRESS 

474  W.  BROADWAY 

NEW  YORK 


<£ljf  Chapters  in  ttris 


PAGE 


I    WE  BUY  A  PLACE 

II  OURSELVES  AND  OUR  NEIGHBORS 

III  WE  MAKE  OUR  BARGAIN  KNOWN 

IV    THE  FIRST  PAYMENT 

V  WE  NEGOTIATE  A  MORTGAGE    .     .    . 

VI  I  AM  BESOUGHT  TO  BUY  THINGS  .    . 

VII  OUR  PLANS  FOR  IMPROVEMENTS    .    . 

VIII  THE  VANDALS  BEGIN  THEIR  WORK  . 

IX  NEIGHBOR  MACLEOD'S  THISTLE     .    . 

X  COLONEL  DOLLER'S  GREAT  IDEA    .     . 

XI  I  MAKE  A  STAND  FOR  MY  RIGHTS    . 

XII  I  AM  DECEIVED  IN  MR.  WAX   .    .    . 

XIII  EDITOR  WOODSIT  A  TRUE  FRIEND    . 

XIV  THE  VICTIM  OF  AN  ORDINANCE    .    . 
XV  THE  QUESTION  OF  INSURANCE  .    .     . 

XVI  NEIGHBOR  ROBBINS'  PLATYPUS      .    . 

XVII  OUR  DEVICES  FOR  ECONOMIZING  .    . 

XVIII  I  STATE  MY  VIEWS  ON  TAXATION 

XIX    OTHER  PEOPLE'S  DOGS 

XX  I  ACQUIRE  POISON  AND  EXPERIENCE 

XXI  WITH  PLUMBERS  AND  PAINTERS    .    . 

XXII    THE  BUTLER'S  PANTRY 

XXIII  ALICE'S  NIGHT  WATCHMAN  .    .    .     . 

XXIV  DRIVEWAYS  AND  WALL-PAPERS      .     . 
XXV  AT  LAST  WE  ENTER  OWR  HOUSE 


14 

23 
34 
45 
57 
68 

77 
89 

99 
no 

121 

132 
143 
154 
165 
175 
I8S 

195 

205 

215 
226 

237 
248 
2S8 


WE   BUY  A  PLACE 

IT  was  either  Plato  the  Athenian,  or  Con 
fucius  the  Chinese,  or  Andromachus  the 
Cretan  —  or  some  other  philosopher  whose 
name  I  disremember  —  that  remarked  once 
upon  a  time,  and  the  time  was  many  centu 
ries  ago,  that  no  woman  was  happy  until 
she  got  herself  a  home.  It  really  makes  no 
difference  who  first  uttered  this  truth,  the 
truth  itself  is  and  always  has  been  recognized 
as  one  possessing  nearly  all  the  virtues  of  an 
axiom. 

I  recall  that  one  of  the  first  wishes  I  heard 
Alice  express  during  our  honeymoon  was 
that  we  should  sometime  be  rich  enough  to 
be  able  to  build  a  dear  little  house  for  our 
selves.  We  were  poor,  of  course;  otherwise 
our  air  castle  would  not  have  been  "a  dear 
little  house";  it  would  have  been  a  palatial 


THE   HOUSE 

residence  with  a  dance-hall  at  the  top  and  a 
wine-cellar  at  the  bottom  thereof.  I  have 
always  observed  that  when  the  money  comes 
in  the  poetry  flies  out.  Bread  and  cheese 
and  kisses  are  all  well  enough  for  poverty- 
stricken  romance,  but  as  soon  as  a  poor  man 
receives  a  windfall  his  thoughts  turn  inevita 
bly  to  a  contemplation  of  the  probability  of 
terrapin  and  canvasbacks. 

I  encouraged  Alice  in  her  fond  day-dream 
ing,  and  we  decided  between  us  that  the 
dear  little  house  should  be  a  cottage,  about 
which  the  roses  and  the  honeysuckles  should 
clamber  in  summer,  and  which  in  winter 
should  be  banked  up  with  straw  and  leaves, 
for  Alice  and  I  were  both  of  New  England 
origin.  I  must  confess  that  we  had  some 
reason  for  indulging  these  pleasing  specula 
tions,  for  at  that  time  my  Aunt  Susan  was 
living,  and  she  was  reputed  as  rich  as  mud 
(whatever  that  may  mean),  and  this  simile 
was  by  her  neighbors  coupled  with  another, 
which  represented  Aunt  Susan  as  being  as 
close  as  a  clapboard  on  a  house.  Whatever 
her  reputation  was,  I  happened  to  be  Aunt 
Susan's  nearest  of  kin,  and  although  I  never 


WE   BUY  A  PLACE 

so  far  lost  my  presence  of  mind  as  to  inti 
mate  even  indirectly  that  I  had  any  expecta 
tions,  I  wrote  regularly  to  Aunt  Susan  once 
a  month,  and  every  fall  I  sent  her  a  box  of 
game,  which  I  told  her  I  had  shot  in  the  woods 
near  our  boarding-house,  but  which  actually 
I  had  bought  of  a  commission  merchant  in 
South  Water  Street. 

With  the  legacy  which  we  were  to  receive 
from  Aunt  Susan,  Alice  and  I  had  it  all  fixed 
up  that  we  should  build  a  cottage  like  one 
which  Alice  had  seen  one  time  at  Sweet 
Springs  while  convalescing  at  that  fashiona 
ble  Missouri  watering-place  from  an  attack 
of  the  jaundice.  This  cottage  was,  as  I 
was  informed,  an  ingenious  combination  of 
Gothic  decadence  and  Norman  renaissance 
architecture.  Being  somewhat  of  an  anti 
quarian  by  nature,  I  was  gratified  by  the 
promise  of  archaism  which  Alice's  picture 
of  our  future  home  presented.  We  picked 
out  a  corner  lot  in, —  well,  no  matter  where; 
that  delectable  dream,  with  its  Gothic  and 
Norman  features,  came  to  an  untimely  end 
all  too  soon.  At  its  very  height  Aunt  Susan 
up  and  died,  and  a  fortnight  later  we  learned 

3 


THE   HOUSE 

that,  after  bequeathing  the  bulk  of  her  prop 
erty  to  foreign  missions,  she  had  left  me, 
whom  she  had  condescended  to  refer  to  as 
her  "beloved  nephew,"  nine  hundred  dol 
lars  in  cash  and  her  favorite  flower-piece  in 
wax,  a  hideous  thing  which  for  thirty  years 
had  occupied  the  corner  of  honor  in  the  front 
spare  chamber. 

I  do  not  know  what  Alice  did  with  the 
wax-flowers.  As  for  the  nine  hundred  dol 
lars,  I  appropriated  it  to  laudable  purposes. 
Some  of  it  went  for  a  new  silk  dress  for  Alice ; 
the  rest  I  spent  for  books,  and  I  recall  my 
thrill  of  delight  when  I  saw  ensconced  upon 
my  shelves  a  splendid  copy  of  Audubon's 
"  Birds  "  with  its  life-size  pictures  of  turkeys, 
buzzards,  and  other  fowl  done  in  impossible 
colors. 

After  that  experience  "our  house"  sim 
mered  and  shrivelled  down  from  the  Nor 
man-Gothic  to  plain,  everyday,  fm-de-siecle 
architecture.  We  concluded  that  we  could 
get  along  with  five  rooms  (although  six 
would  be  better),  and  we  transferred  our  af 
fections  from  that  corner  lot  in  the  avenue 
which  had  engaged  our  attention  during  the 
4 


WE   BUY  A  PLACE 

decadent-renaissance  phase  of  our  enthusiasm 
to  a  modest  point  in  Slocum's  Addition,  a 
locality  originally  known  as  Slocum's  Slough, 
but  now  advertised  and  heralded  by  the  press 
and  rehabilitated  in  public  opinion  as  Para 
dise  Park.  This  pleasing  mania  lasted  about 
two  years.  Then  it  was  forever  abated  by 
the  awful  discovery  that  Paradise  Park  was 
the  breeding  spot  of  typhoid  fever,  and,  fur 
thermore,  that  old  man  Slocum's  title  to  the 
property  was  defective  in  every  essential 
particular. 

Alice  and  I  did  not  find  it  in  our  power 
either  to  overlook  or  to  combat  these  trifling 
objections;  with  unabated  optimism  we  cast 
our  eyes  elsewhere,  and  within  a  month  we 
found  another  delectable  biding  place — this 
time  some  distance  from  the  city — in  fact,  in 
one  of  the  new  and  booming  suburbs.  Elm- 
dale  was  then  new  to  fame.  I  suppose  they 
called  it  Elmdale  because  it  had  neither  an 
elm  nor  a  dale.  It  was  fourteen  miles  from 
town,  but  its  railroad  transportation  facilities 
were  unique.  The  five-o'clock  milk-train 
took  passengers  in  to  business  every  morn 
ing,  and  the  eight-o'clock  accommodation 

5 


THE   HOUSE 

brought  them  home  again  every  evening; 
moreover,  the  noon  freight  stopped  at  Elm- 
dale  to  take  up  passengers  every  other  Wed 
nesday,  and  it  was  the  practice  of  every  other 
train  to  whistle  and  to  slack  up  in  speed  to 
thirty  miles  an  hour  while  passing  through 
this  promising  suburb. 

I  did  not  care  particularly  for  Elmdale,  but 
Alice  took  a  mighty  fancy  to  it.  Our  twin 
boys  (Galileo  and  Herschel,  named  after  the 
astronomers  of  blessed  memory ! )  were  now 
three  years  old,  and  Alice  insisted  that  they 
required  the  pure  air  and  the  wholesome  free 
dom  of  rural  life.  Galileo  had,  in  fact,  never 
quite  been  himself  since  he  swallowed  the 
pincushion. 

We  did  not  go  to  Elmdale  at  once;  we 
never  went  there.  Elmdale  was  simply  an 
other  oneof  those  curious  phases  in  which  our 
dream  of  a  home  abounded.  With  the  Elm- 
dale  phase  "our  house"  underwent  another 
change.  But  this  was  natural  enough.  You 
see  that  in  none  of  our  other  plans  had  we 
contemplated  the  possibility  of  a  growing 
family.  Now  we  had  two  uproarious  boys, 
and  their  coming  had  naturally  put  us  into 
6 


WE   BUY  A  PLACE 

pleasing  doubt  as  to  what  similar  emergen 
cies  might  transpire  in  the  future.  So  our 
five-room  cottage  had  acquired  (in  our  minds) 
two  more  rooms — seven  altogether — and 
numerous  little  changes  in  the  plans  and 
decorations  of  "our  house"  had  gradually 
been  evolved. 

As  I  now  remember,  it  was  about  this 
time  that  Alice  made  up  her  mind  that  the 
reception-room  should  be  treated  in  blue. 
Her  birth  had  occurred  in  December,  and 
therefore  turquoise  was  her  birth-stone  and 
the  blue  thereof  was  her  favorite  color.  I 
am  not  much  of  a  believer  in  such  things — 
in  fact,  I  discredit  all  superstitions  except 
such  as  involve  black  cats  and  the  rabbit's 
foot,  and  these  exceptions  are  wholly  reason 
able,  for  my  family  lived  for  many  years  in 
Salem,  Mass.  But  I  have  always  conceded 
that  Alice  has  as  good  a  right  to  her  super 
stitions  as  I  to  mine.  I  bought  her  the  pret 
tiest  turquoise  ring  I  could  afford,  and  I 
approved  her  determination  to  treat  the  re 
ception-room  in  blue.  I  rather  enjoyed  the 
prospect  of  the  luxury  of  a  reception-room ; 
it  had  ground  the  iron  into  my  soul  that, 

7 


THE   HOUSE 

ever  since  we  married  and  settled  down, 
Alice  and  I  had  been  compelled  in  winter 
months  to  entertain  our  callers  in  the  same 
room  where  we  ate  our  meals.  In  summer 
this  humiliation  did  not  afflict  us,  for  then 
we  always  sat  of  an  evening  on  the  front 
porch. 

The  blue  room  met  with  a  curious  fate. 
One  Christmas  our  beneficent  friend,  Colonel 
Mullaly,  presented  Alice  and  me  with  a  beau 
tiful  and  valuable  lamp.  Alice  went  to  Bur- 
ley's  the  next  week  and  priced  one  (not  half 
as  handsome)  and  was  told  that  it  cost  sixty 
dollars.  It  was  a  tall,  shapely  lamp,  with  an 
alabaster  and  Italian  marble  pedestal  cun 
ningly  polished;  a  magnificent  yellow  silk 
shade  served  as  the  crowning  glory  to  this 
superb  creation. 

For  a  week,  perhaps,  Alice  was  abstracted; 
then  she  told  me  that  she  had  been  thinking  it 
all  over  and  had  about  made  up  her  mind  that 
when  we  got  our  new  house  she  would 
have  the  reception-room  treated  in  a  delicate 
canary  shade. 

"But  why  abandon  the  blue,  my  dear?" 
I  asked.  "  I  think  it  would  be  so  pretty  to 

8 


WE   BUY  A  PLACE 

have  the  decoration  of  the  room  match  your 
turquoise  ring." 

"That  's  just  like  a  man!"  said  Alice. 
"Reuben,  dear,  could  you  possibly  imagine 
anything  else  so  perfectly  horrid  as  a  yellow 
lampshade  in  a  blue  room  ?" 

"You  are  right,  sweetheart,"  said  I. 
"That  is  something  I  had  never  thought  of 
before.  You  are  right;  canary  color  it  shall 
be,  and  when  we  have  moved  in  I  '11  buy 
you  a  dear  little  canary  bird  in  a  lovely  gold 
cage,  and  we  '11  hang  it  in  the  front  win 
dow  right  over  the  lamp,  so  that  everybody 
can  see  our  treasures  from  the  street  and 
envy  our  happiness! " 

"  You  dear,  sweet  boy ! "  cried  Alice,  and 
she  reached  up  and  pulled  my  head  down 
and  kissed  her  dear,  sweet  boy  on  his  bald 
spot.  Alice  is  an  angel! 

I  fear  I  am  wearying  you  with  the  prolix 
ity  of  my  narrative.  So  let  me  pass  rapidly 
over  the  ten  years  that  succeeded  to  the 
yellow-lamp  epoch.  Ten  hard  but  sweet 
years!  Years  full  of  struggle  and  hopes, 
touched  with  bereavement  and  sorrow,  but 
precious  years,  for  troubles,  like  those  we 

9 


THE   HOUSE 

have  had,  sanctify  human  lives.  Children 
came  to  us,  and  of  these  priceless  treasures 
we  lost  two.  If  I  thought  Alice  would  ever 
see  these  lines  I  should  not  say  to  you  now 
that  from  the  two  great  sorrows  of  those 
years  my  heart  has  never  been  and  never 
shall  be  weaned.  I  would  not  have  Alice 
know  this,  for  it  would  open  afresh  the 
wounds  her  dear,  tender  mother-heart  has 
suffered. 

Galileo  and  Herschel  are  strapping  fel 
lows.  They  have  survived  their  juvenile  ambi 
tions  to  be  milkmen,  policemen,  lamp-light 
ers,  butchers,  grocerymen,  etc.,  respectively. 
Both  are  now  in  the  manual-training  school. 
Fanny,  Josephine  and  Erasmus — I  have  not 
mentioned  them  before, — these  are  the  chil 
dren  that  are  left  to  us  of  those  that  have 
come  in  the  later  years.  And,  my!  how 
they  are  growing!  What  changes  have 
taken  place  in  them  and  all  about  us!  My 
affairs  have  prospered ;  if  it  had  n't  been  for 
the  depression  that  set  in  two  years  ago  I 
should  have  had  one  thousand  dollars  in 
bank  by  this  time.  My  salary  has  increased 
steadily  year  by  year;  it  has  now  reached  a 


WE   BUY  A  PLACE 

sum  that  enables  me  to  hope  for  speedy  re 
lief  from  those  financial  worries  which  en 
compass  the  head  of  a  numerous  household. 
By  the  practice  of  rigid  economy  in  family 
expenses  I  have  been  able  to  accumulate  a 
large  number  of  black-letter  books  and  a  fine 
collection  of  curios,  including  some  fifty 
pieces  of  mediaeval  armor.  We  have  lived 
in  rented  houses  all  these  years,  but  at  no 
time  has  Alice  abandoned  the  hope  and  the 
ambition  of  having  a  home  of  her  own. 
"Our  house"  has  been  the  burthen  of  her 
song  from  one  year's  end  to  the  other.  I 
understand  that  this  becomes  a  monomania 
with  a  woman  who  lives  in  a  rented  house. 
And,  gracious!  what  changes  has  "our 
house  "  undergone  since  first  dear  Alice  pic 
tured  it  as  a  possibility  to  me !  It  has  passed 
through  every  character,  form,  and  style  of 
architecture  conceivable.  From  five  rooms 
it  has  grown  to  fourteen.  The  reception 
parlor,  chameleon-like,  has  changed  color 
eight  times.  There  have  duly  loomed  up 
bewildering  visions  of  a  library,  a  drawing- 
room,  a  butler's  pantry,  a  nursery,  a  laundry 
—  oh,  it  quite  takes  my  breath  away  to  re- 


THE   HOUSE 

call  and  recount  the  possibilities  which 
Alice's  hopes  and  fancies  conjured  up. 

But,  just  two  months  ago  to-day  Alice 
burst  in  upon  me.  I  was  in  my  study  over 
the  kitchen  figuring  upon  the  probable  date 
of  the  conjunction  of  Venus  and  Saturn  in 
the  year  1963. 

"Reuben,  dear,"  cried  Alice,  "I  've  done 
it!  1  've  bought  a  place!  " 

"Alice  Fothergill  Baker,"  says  I,  "what 
do  you  mean! " 

She  was  all  out  of  breath  —  so  transported 
with  delight  was  she  that  she  could  hardly 
speak.  Yet  presently  she  found  breath  to 
say:  "You  know  the  old  Schmittheimer 
place  —  the  house  that  sets  back  from  the 
street  and  has  lovely  trees  in  the  yard  ?  You 
remember  how  often  we  've  gone  by  there 
and  wished  we  had  a  home  like  it?  Well, 
I  've  bought  it!  Do  you  understand,  Reuben 
dear?  I  've  bought  it,  and  we  Ve  got  a 
home  at  last! " 

"  Have  you  paid  for  it,  darling  ?"  I  asked. 

"N-n-no,  not  yet,"  she  answered,  "but 
I  'm  going  to,  and  you  're  going  to  help  me, 
are  n't  you,  Reuben?" 


WE   BUY  A  PLACE 

"Alice,"  says  I,  going  to  her  and  putting 
my  arms  about  her,  "I  don't  know  what 
you  've  done,  but  of  course  I  '11  help  you  — 
yes,  dearest,  I  '11  back  you  to  the  last  breath 
of  my  life !  " 

Then  she  made  me  put  on  my  boots  and 
overcoat  and  hat  and  go  with  her  to  see  her 
new  purchase — "our  house!" 


II 

OURSELVES  AND   OUR  NEIGHBORS 

EVERYBODY'S  house  is  better  made  by 
his  neighbors.  This  philosophical  ut 
terance  occurs  in  one  of  those  black-letter 
volumes  which  I  purchased  with  the  money 
left  me  by  my  Aunt  Susan  (of  blessed 
memory!).  Even  if  Alice  and  I  had  not 
fully  made  up  our  minds,  after  nineteen 
years  of  planning  and  figuring,  what  kind 
of  a  house  we  wanted,  we  could  have  re 
ferred  the  important  matter  to  our  neighbors 
in  the  confident  assurance  that  these  amia 
ble  folk  were  much  more  intimately  ac 
quainted  with  our  needs  and  our  desires 
than  we  ourselves  were.  The  utter  disin 
terestedness  of  a  neighbor  qualifies  him  to 
judge  dispassionately  of  your  requirements. 
When  he  tells  you  that  you  ought  to  do  so 
and  so  or  ought  to  have  such  and  such  a 

'4 


OURSELVES   AND   OUR  NEIGHBORS 

thing,  his  counsel  should  be  heeded,  be 
cause  the  probabilities  are  that  he  has  made 
a  careful  study  of  you  and  he  has  unselfishly 
arrived  at  conclusions  which  intelligently 
contemplate  your  welfare.  In  planning  for 
oneself  one  is  too  likely  to  be  directed  by 
narrow  prejudices  and  selfish  considera 
tions. 

Alice  and  I  have  always  thought  much  of 
our  neighbors.  I  suspect  that  my  neigh 
bors  are  my  most  salient  weaknesses.  I 
confess  that  I  enjoy  nothing  else  more  than 
an  informal  call  upon  the  Baylors,  the  Tilt- 
mans,  the  Rushes,  the  Denslows  and  the 
other  good  people  who  constitute  the  best 
element  in  society  in  that  part  of  the  city 
where  Alice  and  I  and  our  interesting  family 
have  been  living  in  rented  quarters  for  the 
last  six  years.  This  informality  of  which  I 
am  so  fond  has  often  grieved  and  offended 
Alice.  It  is  that  gentle  lady's  opinion  that 
a  man  at  my  time  of  life  should  have  too 
much  dignity  to  make  a  practice  of  "bolt 
ing  into  people's  houses  "  (I  quote  her  words 
exactly)  when  I  know  as  well  as  I  know 
anything  that  they  are  at  dinner,  and  that 


THE   HOUSE 

a  dessert  in  the  shape  of  a  rhubarb  pie  or  a 
strawberry  shortcake  is  about  to  be  served. 

There  was  a  time  when  Alice  overlooked 
this  idiosyncrasy  upon  my  part;  that  was 
before  I  achieved  what  Alice  terms  a  na 
tional  reputation  by  my  discovery  of  a  satel 
lite  to  the  star  Gamma  in  the  tail  of  the 
constellation  Leo.  Alice  does  not  stop  to 
consider  that  our  neighbors  have  never  read 
the  royal  octavo  volume  1  wrote  upon  the 
subject  of  that  discovery ;  Alice  herself  has 
never  read  that  book.  Alice  simply  knows 
that  I  wrote  that  book  and  paid  a  printer 
one  thousand  one  hundred  dollars  to  print  it; 
this  is  sufficient  to  give  me  a  high  and  broad 
status  in  her  opinion,  bless  her  loyal  little 
heart! 

But  what  do  our  neighbors  know  or  care 
about  that  book?  What,  for  that  matter, 
do  they  know  or  care  about  the  constella 
tion  Leo,  to  say  nothing  of  its  tail  and  the 
satellites  to  the  stellar  component  parts 
thereof?  I  thank  God  that  my  hospitable 
neighbor,  Mrs.  Baylor,  has  never  suffered  a 
passion  for  astronomical  research  to  lead  her 
into  a  neglect  of  the  noble  art  of  compound- 
16 


OURSELVES  AND   OUR  NEIGHBORS 

ing  rhubarb  pies,  and  I  am  equally  grateful 
that  no  similar  passion  has  stood  in  the  way 
of  good  Mrs.  Rush's  enthusiastic  and  artistic 
construction  of  the  most  delicious  shortcake 
ever  put  into  the  human  mouth. 

The  Denslows,  the  Baylors,  the  Rushes, 
the  Tiltmans  and  the  rest  have  taken  a  great 
interest  in  us,  and  they  have  shared  the  en- 
thusiam  (I  had  almost  said  rapture)  with 
which  Alice  and  I  discoursed  of ' '  the  house  " 
which  we  were  going  to  have  "sometime." 
They  did  not,  however,  agree  with  us,  nor 
did  they  agree  with  one  another,  as  to  the 
kind  of  house  this  particular  house  of  ours 
ought  to  be.  Each  one  had  a  house  for  sale, 
and  each  one  insisted  that  his  or  her  house 
was  particularly  suited  to  our  requirements. 
The  merits  of  each  of  these  houses  were 
eloquently  paraded  by  the  owners  thereof, 
and  the  demerits  were  as  eloquently  pointed 
out  by  others  who  had  houses  of  their  own 
to  sell  "on  easy  terms  and  at  long  time." 

It  was  not  long,  as  you  can  well  suppose, 
before  Alice  and  I  were  intimately  acquaint 
ed  with  all  the  weak  points  in  our  neighbors' 
residences.  We  knew  all  about  the  Baylors' 

17 


THE   HOUSE 

leaky  roof,  the  Denslows'  cracked  plastering, 
the  Tiltmans'  back  stairway,  the  Rushes'  ex 
posed  water  pipes,  the  Bellingers'  defective 
chimney,  the  Dobells'  rickety  foundation, 
and  a  thousand  other  scandalous  details 
which  had  been  dinged  into  us  and  which 
we  treasured  up  to  serve  as  a  warning  to  us 
when  we  came  to  have  a  house — "the 
house "  which  we  had  talked  about  so 
many  years. 

I  can  readily  understand  that  there  were 
those  who  regarded  our  talk  and  our  plan 
ning  simply  as  so  much  effervescence.  We 
had  harped  upon  the  same  old  string  so 
long  —  or  at  least  Alice  had  —  that,  not  un- 
frequently,  even  we  smilingly  asked  our 
selves  whether  it  were  likely  that  our  day 
dreaming  would  ever  be  realized.  I  dimly 
recall  that  upon  several  occasions  I  went  so 
far  as  to  indulge  in  amiable  sarcasms  upon 
Alice's  exuberant  mania.  I  do  not  remem 
ber  just  what  these  witticisms  were,  but  1 
daresay  they  were  bright  enough,  for  I  never 
yet  have  indulged  in  repartee  without  hav 
ing  bestowed  much  preliminary  study  and 
thought  upon  it. 

18 


OURSELVES  AND   OUR  NEIGHBORS 

I  have  mentioned  our  youngest  son,  Eras 
mus  ;  he  was  born  to  us  while  we  were  mem 
bers  of  Plymouth  Church,  and  we  gave  him 
that  name  in  consideration  of  the  wishes  of 
our  beloved  pastor,  who  was  deeply  learned 
in  and  a  profound  admirer  of  the  philosophi 
cal  works  of  Erasmus  the  original.  Both 
Alice  and  I  hoped  that  our  son  would  incline 
to  follow  in  the  footsteps  of  the  mighty  ge 
nius  whose  name  he  bore.  But  from  his 
very  infancy  he  developed  traits  widely  dif 
ferent  from  those  of  the  stern  philosopher 
whom  we  had  set  up  before  him  as  the  para 
gon  of  human  excellence.  I  have  always 
suspected  that  little  Erasmus  inherited  his 
frivolous  disposition  from  his  uncle  (his  mo 
ther's  brother),  Lemuel  Fothergill,  who  at  the 
early  age  of  nineteen  ran  away  from  the  farm 
in  Maine  to  travel  with  a  thrashing  machine, 
and  who  subsequently  achieved  somewhat 
of  a  local  reputation  as  a  singer  of  comic 
songs  in  the  Barnabee  Concert  Troupe  on 
the  Connecticut  river  circuit. 

Erasmus'  sense  of  humor  is  hampered  by 
no  sentiment  of  reverence.  For  the  last  five 
years  he  has  caused  his  mother  and  me  much 
19 


THE   HOUSE 

humiliation  by  his  ribald  treatment  of  the 
subject  that  is  nearest  and  dearest  to  our 
hearts.  In  fact,  we  have  come  to  be  ashamed 
of  speaking  of ' '  the  house  "  in  Erasmus'  hear 
ing,  for  that  would  give  the  child  a  chance 
to  indulge  in  humor  at  the  expense  of  a  mat 
ter  which  he  seems  to  regard  as  visionary  as 
the  merest  fairy  tale.  Now  Galileo  and  Her- 
schel  are  very  different  boys;  they  are  mak 
ing  famous  progress  at  the  manual  training 
school.  Galileo  has  already  invented  a  churn 
of  exceptional  merit,  and  Herschel  is  so  deft 
at  carpentering  that  I  have  determined  to  let 
him  build  the  observatory  which  I  am  going 
to  have  on  the  roof  of  the  new  house  one 
of  these  days.  Galileo  and  Herschel  are  un 
usually  proper,  steady  boys.  And  our  daugh 
ters —  ah!  that  reminds  me. 

Fanny  is  our  oldest  girl.  She  is  going  on 
fifteen  now.  She  favors  the  Bakers  in  ap 
pearance,  but  her  character  is  more  like  her 
mother's  side  of  the  family.  If  I  do  say  it 
myself,  Fanny  is  a  beautiful  girl.  If  I  could 
have  my  way  Fanny  would  be  less  given  to 
the  social  amenities  of  life,  but  the  truth  is 
that  the  dear  creature  naturally  loves  gayety 


OURSELVES  AND   OUR  NEIGHBORS 

and  is  bound  to  have  it  at  all  times  and  under 
all  conditions.  Her  merry  disposition  makes 
her  a  favorite  with  all,  and  particularly  with 
her  schoolmates. 

Now  that  I  think  of  it,  Willie  Sears  has 
been  to  see  Fanny  every  evening  for  the  last 
week.  I  wonder  whether  Alice  has  noticed 
it;  I  think  I  shall  have  to  speak  to  her  about 
it.  Yet  the  probability  is  that  Alice  will  re 
sent  the  suggestion  which  my  mention  of  the 
matter  will  convey.  Alice  has  been  saying 
all  along  that  one  particular  reason  why  our 
new  house  should  be  a  large  one  is  that  there 
would  then  be  a  room  where  Fanny  could 
receive  her  company  without  being  mortified 
almost  to  death  by  Erasmus'  horrid  intrusion 
and  still  more  horrid  remarks.  At  such  times 
I  forgive  and  adore  Erasmus.  It  seems  only 
yesterday  that  I  bought  her  a  bisque  doll  at 
the  World's  Fair,  a  bisque  doll  with  pink 
eyes  and  blue  hair,  and  now  —  oh,  Fanny, 
are  you  no  longer  our  little  girl  ? 

Still,  we  have  Josephine,  and  I  am  sure  she 
will  honor  us;  for  she  was  born  six  years 
ago  under  the  conjunction  of  Jupiter  and 
Venus,  and  while  Mars  was  at  perihelion. 

21 


THE   HOUSE 

Moreover,  she  is  the  seventh  daughter  of  a 
seventh  daughter,  and  there  are  those  who 
believe  that  there  is  especial  virtue  in  that. 
I  named  her  after  the  French  empress,  not 
because  I  am  a  particular  admirer  of  that  re 
markable  but  unfortunate  woman's  charac 
ter,  but  for  the  reason  that  upon  one  occasion 
she  secured  a  pension  of  eight  hundred  francs 
for  the  astronomer  LeBanc,  who  had  already 
added  to  the  sum  of  human  happiness  by  lo 
cating  an  asteroid  near  the  left  limb  of  the 
sun,  and  who  subsequently  discovered  a 
greenish  yellow  spot  on  the  outer  ring  of 
the  planet  Saturn.  I  never  hear  my  dear 
little  girl's  voice  or  see  her  sweet  face  that  I 
do  not  think  of  the  planet  Saturn ;  and  never 
in  the  solemn  stillness  of  night  do  I  contem 
plate  the  scintillating  glories  of  the  ringed 
orb  without  being  reminded  of  the  fair,  in 
nocent  babe  asleep  in  her  little  white  iron 
bedstead  downstairs. 

This  sentimental  association  of  objects 
widely  separated  in  space  has  served  to  con 
vince  me  that  there  is  nothing,  either  in  the 
heavens  above  or  in  the  earth  beneath,  that 
has  not  its  use,  both  profitable  and  pleasant. 


Ill 

WE  MAKE  OUR  BARGAIN  KNOWN 

THE  Schmittheimer  place  has  occasioned 
Alice  and  me  many  heartburnings  of 
envy  the  last  three  years.  I  recall  that  the 
first  time  we  passed  it  Alice  exclaimed: 
"There,  Reuben,  is  just  the  place  for  us!" 
I  agreed  entirely  with  this  proposition.  The 
house  stood  back  a  goodly  distance  from  the 
street  upon  a  prominence  that  gave  it  an  ex 
tended  survey  of  the  landscape,  and  afforded 
an  exceptionally  noble  opportunity  for  an 
unobstructed  view  of  the  heavens  upon 
cloudless  nights.  Alice  particularly  admired 
the  lawn,  for  already  she  pictured  to  herself 
the  pleasing  sight  of  little  Josephine  and  little 
Erasmus  at  play  in  the  cool  grass  under  the 
umbrageous  trees. 

And  now,  having  yearned  and  pined  for 
this  particular  abiding-place  a  many  days,  it 

23 


THE   HOUSE 

was  really  ours!  Alice  told  me  about  it  — 
how  she  had  comprehended  the  bargain  (for 
it  was  indeed  a  bargain !)  —  as  we  proceeded 
together  to  inspect  our  new  home.  It  seems 
that  that  very  morning,  worn  out  with 
waiting  and  inflamed  by  a  determination  to 
do  Now  or  to  perish  in  the  attempt,  Alice  had 
sallied  forth  in  quest  of  the  precious  game. 
She  had  gone  directly  to  the  owner,  had 
subtly  ingratiated  herself  in  the  confidence 
of  Mrs.  Schmittheimer,  and,  in  less  than  fif 
teen  minutes'  time,  had  made  terms  with 
that  amiable  woman.  And  such  terms!  My 
head  fairly  swims  when  I  think  of  it. 

Mrs.  Schmittheimer  is  a  widow.  Since 
her  husband's  demise  two  years  ago  come 
next  September,  she  has  lived  in  compara 
tive  solitude  in  the  old  home.  She  was  not 
wholly  alone,  for  with  characteristic  Teutonic 
thrift  she  had  rented  the  lower  part  of  the 
house  to  a  small  family,  consisting  of  a  me 
chanic,  his  wife,  their  baby,  and  a  small  dog. 
Mrs.  Schmittheimer  herself  lived  and  moved 
and  had  her  being  in  the  second  story,  doing 
her  own  cooking  and  other  housework,  her 
only  companion  being  her  faithful  omnipres- 

24 


WE   MAKE  OUR   BARGAIN   KNOWN 

ent  cat,  the  sex  of  which  (I  state  this  for  a 
reason  which  will  hereinafter  transpire)  was 
feminine.  Although  the  good  Mrs.  Schmitt- 
heimer  was  not  unfrequently  visited  by  fe 
male  compatriots  who  condoled  with  her 
and  drank  her  coffee  and  ate  her  kuchen, 
after  the  fashion  of  sympathetic,  suffering 
womanhood,  she  wearied  of  this  loneliness; 
she  was,  in  fact,  as  anxious  to  get  away  from 
the  old  place  as  Alice  and  I  were  to  get  into 
it. 

So  Alice  and  Mrs.  Schmittheimer  had  little 
trouble  in  coming  to  an  understanding  mutu 
ally  agreeable.  The  late  Mr.  Schmittheimer 
had  always  demanded  the  round  sum  often 
thousand  dollars  for  the  property  under  dis 
cussion,  but  the  prevalence  of  hard  times  and 
the  persuasive  eloquence  of  my  dear  diplo 
matic  Alice  induced  the  late  Mr.  Schmitt- 
heimer's  relict  to  consent  to  a  reduction  of 
the  price  to  nine  thousand  five  hundred  dol 
lars,  "one  thousand  dollars  in  cash  and  the 
balance  in  five  years  at  six  per  cent,  interest, 
payable  semi-annually." 

"You  see,"  said  Alice  to  me,  "  that  we 
practically  get  the  place  for  five  years  by 

25 


THE    HOUSE 

simply  paying  rent.  We  pay  one  thousand 
dollars  down  and  fifty  dollars  a  month  in 
terest.  In  five  years  there  are  sixty  months, 
and  in  that  time  we  shall  have  paid  for  this 
place  four  thousand  dollars,  which  is  but  four 
hundred  dollars  more  than  we  should  have 
to  pay  if  we  remained  in  the  house  we  are 
now  living  in  at  sixty  dollars  a  month  rental ! 
You  see,  I  have  figured  it  all  out,  and  figures 
can't  lie! " 

You  will  agree  with  me  when  I  tell  you 
right  here  that  my  wife  Alice  is  a  superior 
woman. 

"Now  we  must  be  very  careful,"  said 
Alice,  "  not  to  breathe  a  word  about  this  to 
anybody  until  all  the  papers  have  been  signed 
and  the  property  has  been  transferred." 

I  suggested  that  in  so  serious  a  proceeding 
it  might  be  wise  to  have  the  counsel  of  the 
more  intimate  of  our  neighbors;  the  Baylors, 
the  Rushes  and  the  Tiltmans  had  had  expe 
rience  in  such  matters,  and  might  be  of  im 
portant  service  to  us  in  this  particular  under 
taking. 

"  No,"said  Alice,  "  we  must  guard  against 
every  possibility  of  failure.  Our  plan  might 


WE   MAKE   OUR   BARGAIN    KNOWN 

leak  out  and  reach  the  ears  of  the  real-estate 
dealers,  and  then  we  should  be  hopelessly 
lost.  Our  neighbors  mean  well,  but  they 
are  human.  No,  the  only  people  I  shall  con 
sult  are  the  Denslows." 

I  saw  at  once  the  wisdom  of  this  deter 
mination.  The  Denslows  are  most  estimable 
folk  and  I  admire  and  love  them.  Mrs.  Dens- 
low  is  of  an  exceptionally  warm,  generous, 
and  liberal  nature,  while,  upon  the  other 
hand,  Mr.  Denslow  has  the  reputation  of 
being  the  most  cautious  business  man  in  our 
city;  the  consequence  is  that  in  the  adminis 
tration  of  affairs  in  the  Denslow  household 
you  meet  with  that  conservative  happy  me 
dium  which  is  beautiful  to  contemplate. 
Alice  was  right;  our  precious  secret  would 
be  secure  with  the  Denslows.  In  fact  the 
Denslows  would  be  of  distinct  help  to  us  in 
the  vast  enterprise  in  which  we  had  em 
barked.  Mrs.  Denslow  would  be  prepared 
at  all  times  to  provide  sympathy  and  enthu 
siasm,  and  Mr.  Denslow  would  be  constituted 
at  once  absolute  engineer  and  watchdog  of 
the  business  details  of  the  affair. 

But — I  make  the  confession  amid  blushes 
27 


THE   HOUSE 

—  I  cannot  prevaricate,  neither  can  I  dis 
semble.  Alice  knew  the  guilelessness  and 
singleness  of  my  nature,  and  she  should  not 
have  imposed  that  dreadful  oath  of  secrecy 
upon  me.  I  would  not  for  all  the  wealth  of 
the  Indies  live  over  again  the  awful  four 
hours  which  followed  my  solemn  promise 
to  Alice  not  to  reveal  the  blissful  tidings  that 
we  had  bought  the  old  Schmittheimer  place! 
I  felt  as  if  I  had  committed  a  crime ;  I  was  as 
a  haunted  man  must  be.  1  dared  not  look 
my  neighbors  in  the  face  lest  they  should 
read  the  sweet  truth  in  my  honest  eyes. 

Finally  I  broke  completely  down,  for  I 
could  not  stand  it  any  longer.  I  actually  be 
lieve  that  if  I  had  kept  silent  another  hour  the 
dreadful  consciousness  of  guilt  would  have 
swelled  within  me  to  such  a  bulk  as  to  have 
burst  me  into  fragments,  which  would  now 
be  travelling  around  aimlessly  in  space,  like 
the  lost  Pleiad,  or  like  the  dismembered  and 
stray  tail  of  a  comet.  So  I  called  my  next 
neighbor,  Rush,  out  behind  his  barn,  and, 
under  oath  of  secrecy,  revealed  the  good 
news  to  him,  and  then  I  did  likewise  by 
neighbor  Tiltman,  and  so  on,  in  seemly  pro- 
28 


WE   MAKE  OUR   BARGAIN   KNOWN 

gression,  by  all  the  other  neighbors,  until  at 
last  my  confidence  had  been  securely  reposed 
in  every  one. 

I  cannot  tell  you  what  sweet  relief  I  found 
in  this  proceeding.  To  my  killing  conscious 
ness  of  guilt  succeeded  a  peace  which  pass- 
eth  all  human  understanding.  There  was  a 
world  of  satisfaction,  too,  in  being  assured 
by  each  of  those  dear  neighbors  that  we 
(Alice  and  I)  had  got  the  greatest  bargain 
ever  heard  of,  that  we  were  the  luckiest 
couple  on  earth,  that  the  old  Schmittheimer 
place  was  just  exactly  what  we  wanted,  that 
the  property  would  enhance  double  in  value 
in  less  than  a  year,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.  Oh,  it  is 
good  to  have  such  neighbors  as  ours  are! 

%The  Denslows  were  quite  as  glad  as  the 
others  were  to  hear  of  our  bargain.  Mrs. 
Denslow  (bless  her  kind  heart)  began  at  once 
to  picture  the  veritable  paradise  into  which 
it  were  possible  to  transform  the  front  lawn. 
In  the  exuberance  of  her  fancy  she  portrayed 
winding  gravel  walks  among  rose  bushes 
and  beds  of  gay  flowers ;  rustic  bowers  over 
which  honeysuckle  and  ivy  clambered;  pic 
turesque  miniature  Swiss  cottages  in  the  trees 
29 


THE   HOUSE 

for  birds  to  nest  in;  an  artificial  lake  well 
stocked  with  goldfishes,  and  upon  whose 
tranquil  bosom  a  swan  or  two  would  glide 
majestically  through  the  mist  of  the  fountain 
that  perennially  would  shower  down  its 
tinkling  grace. 

It  was  very  pleasing  to  hear  Mrs.  Denslow 
and  Alice  talk  about  these  things  with  that 
enthusiasm  peculiar  to  their  sex.  Until ' '  our 
house"  became  a  probability  I  did  not  really 
know  with  what  rapidity  it  were  possible 
for  women-folk  to  discuss  and  to  decide  even 
the  most  insignificant  details  of  the  subject 
matter  of  their  enthusiasm.  As  I  recall,  in 
less  than  fifteen  minutes'  time  after  Alice  had 
confided  our  secret  to  Mrs.  Denslow  those 
two  amiable  and  superior  women  had  it  defi 
nitely  settled  what  the  color  of  the  window 
shades  was  to  be  and  just  how  many  brass- 
headed  tacks  would  be  required  to  fasten 
down  the  new  Japanese  rug  with  which  it 
was  proposed  to  adorn  the  hardwood  floor 
of  the  library  in  the  first  story  of  "the  addi 
tion  "  which  had  already  been  determined 
upon.  But  Mrs.  Denslow  was  no  more  pro 
lific  of  lovely  suggestions  than  was  Alice's 


WE   MAKE  OUR   BARGAIN   KNOWN 

widowed  sister  Adah,  who  has  made  her 
home  with  us  for  the  last  two  years.  Adah's 
one  o'ermastering  ambition  in  life  has  been 
to  build  a  house.  In  the  autumn  of  1881  she 
saw  in  a  copy  of  "The  National  Architecf'the 
picture  and  plans  of  a  villa  owned  by  a  plu 
tocrat  at  Narragansett  Pier.  She  preserved 
this  paper  as  sacredly  as  if  it  were  one  of  the 
family  archives,  and  upon  the  slightest  pre 
text  she  brought  it  forth  and  exhibited  it  and 
dilated  in  extenso  upon  the  surpassing  ad 
vantages  and  beauties  of  the  plutocratic  villa. 
When  Adah  learned  that  Alice  and  I  had 
actually  bought  a  place  at  last  she  fairly 
wept  for  joy,  and  she  excitedly  produced 
her  creased  and  worn  copy  of  "The  National 
Architect"  and  besought  us  to  remodel  the 
oldSchmittheimer  "rookery" — thatis what 
she  dared  to  call  it  —  into  a  villa !  And  when 
she  was  made  to  understand  by  means  of 
numerous  long  and  earnest  representations 
that  a  villa  could  not  even  be  dreamed  of  by 
poor  folk,  Adah  was  prepared  to  compromise 
the  affair  upon  a  basis  involving  our  promise 
to  build  a  colonial  house  like  Maria's  house 
in  St.  Jo. 

31 


THE    HOUSE 

This  Maria,  whose  name  is  forever  upon 
Adah's  tongue,  had  been  Adah's  schoolmate 
back  in  St.  Joseph,  Missouri.  Their  friend 
ship  extended  through  the  blissful  years  of 
their  early  wedded  life.  And  at  the  present 
time  they  are  as  dear  to  each  other  as  of  yore. 
Adah  presupposes  that  everybody  else  knows 
who  Maria  is,  and  so  everybody  is  regaled 
perennially  with  Adah's  loyal  tributes  to 
Maria's  transcendent  virtues.  Occasionally 
Alice  (who  is  without  doubt  the  sweetest- 
natured  creature  in  all  the  world)  rebels 
against  the  example  of  Maria  which  Adah 
continually  holds  forth. 

I  have  an  instance  just  at  hand.  It  could 
not  have  been  more  than  half  an  hour  ago 
that  I  heard  Adah  say:  "Alice,  do  you  know 
I  've  been  thinking  about  it  all  the  morn 
ing,  and  I  don't  see  how  you  're  going  to 
get  along  without  a  closet  in  that  little  east 
room  up-stairs." 

"But,"  said  Alice,  "there  seems  to  be  no 
way  of  putting  a  closet  into  that  room." 

"Well,  I  think  I  've  hit  on  a  plan,"  said 
Adah,  and  she  produced  a  Mme.  Demorest 
pattern  of  a  sleeve,  upon  which,  with  infinite 


WE  MAKE  OUR   BARGAIN   KNOWN 

pains,  she  had  traced  certain  lines  with  the 
wreck  of  a  pencil  which  little  Josephine  had 
tried  to  sharpen  with  the  scissors. 

"Yes,  I  see,"  said  Alice,  amiably;  "but 
that  would  cut  in  upon  the  hall." 

"Well,  Maria  had  to  do  the  same  thing 
when  she  made  her  house  over/'  said  Adah, 
"and  you  Ve  no  idea  how  nice  it  is." 

"  I  don't  care  what  Maria  did,"  said  Alice, 
bridling  up.  "This  is  my  house,  and  I  'm 
not  going  to  spoil  a  good  hall  by  building 
any  skimpy  little  closets!  That  room  will 
do  for  Erasmus,  and  he  does  n't  need  any 
closet.  So  that  is  settled,  once  and  for 
ever!" 

I  heard  all  this,  myself,  from  the  next 
room.  I  did  not  interfere  at  all,  for  I  make 
it  a  rule  never  to  interpose  in  other  people's 
disagreements.  I  will  admit,  however,  that 
it  rather  wounded  me  to  hear  Alice  call  it 
"my  house"  instead  of  our  house. 


33 


IV 
THE   FIRST   PAYMENT 

A"  for  Mr.  Denslow,  he  agreed  with  other 
friends  and  neighbors  that  in  our  new 
old  house  we  had  secured  a  genuine  bargain. 
But,  as  I  have  already  indicated,  Mr.  Dens- 
low  was  no  day-dreamer;  he  had  a  way 
of  viewing  things  that  was  severe  in  its 
practicality. 

Now,  I  am  in  no  sense  a  business  man; 
you  may  already  have  suspected  this  truth. 
I  am  very  far  from  being  a  fool,  as  those  who 
have  read  my  numerous  treatises  (particu 
larly  my  "  Essay  to  Prove  the  Probability  of 
the  Existence  of  an  Atmosphere  on  the  Other 
Side  of  the  Moon")  will  testify;  but,  having 
had  little  to  do  with  the  operations  and 
methods  of  trade  and  commerce,  I  am  not 
(I  admit  it  freely)  an  expert  in  what  in  this 
34 


THE   FIRST   PAYMENT 

great,  bustling  city  of  Chicago  are  termed 
affairs  of  the  world. 

Mr.  Denslow,  upon  the  other  hand,  is 
keenly  in  touch  with  these  affairs ;  brought 
hourly  during  the  day  into  contact  and  com 
petition  with  scheming — and  not  always 
scrupulous  —  men,  he  has  acquired  an  ex 
tensive  knowledge  of  human  nature  of  the 
rapacious  type,  and  this  knowledge  has 
made  him  wary,  alert,  prudent,  and  reserved. 
It  is  perhaps  this  wide  difference  in  our  na 
tures  and  our  pursuits  that  has  attracted  Mr. 
Denslow  and  me  to  each  other;  at  any  rate 
our  friendship  has  been  profitable  to  both. 
Mr.  Denslow's  counsel  upon  several  import 
ant  occasions  has  been  of  vast  value  to  me, 
and  I  flatter  myself  that  upon  one  occasion 
at  least  I  served  Mr.  Denslow  to  excellent 
purpose.  This  was  two  years  ago,  when, 
as  perhaps  you  remember,  my  sun-spot 
theory  was  widely  discussed  by  the  news 
paper  press.  I  then  told  Mr.  Denslow  that 
the  recurrence  of  the  sun  spots  would  surely 
induce  a  drought  upon  this  planet,  thereby 
causing  a  shortage  in  the  crops;  whereupon 
Mr.  Denslow  "cornered  the  wheat  market " 

35 


THE   HOUSE 

(as  the  saying  is)  and  realized  a  handsome 
sum  of  money. 

Alice  has  long  recognized  Mr.  Denslow's 
merits  as  a  man  of  business;  she,  too,  has 
what,  in  lieu  of  a  better  term,  our  New 
England  people  call  faculty.  So  it  was 
natural  that  after  having  drunk  deep  (so  to 
speak)  at  the  fountain  of  Mrs.  Denslow's 
enthusiasm,  we  should  turn  for  serious  ad 
vice  and  practical  counsel  to  Mr.  Denslow. 

"This  opportunity,"  said  Mr.  Denslow, 
"is  one  thai  comes  only  once  in  a  lifetime. 
You  must  not  let  it  escape  you.  We  should 
go  at  once  to  Mrs.  Schmittheimer  and  get 
her  to  sign  an  agreement  to  part  with  the 
property  upon  the  terms  specified.  In  order 
to  bind  the  agreement  we  should  pay  her  a 
small  sum  of  money  —  oh,  say  one  hundred 
dollars.  The  receipt,  in  the  form  of  an  agree 
ment  or  contract  signed  by  her,  will  bind 
the  bargain  in  the  contemplation  of  the 
law." 

"  But  it  is  after  dark  already,"  said  Alice. 
"Wouldn't  it  seem  rather  burglarious  to 
make  a  descent  upon  the  old  lady  at  this 
hour  ? " 

36 


THE  FIRST  PAYMENT 

"And  what  is  more  to  the  point,"  said  I, 
"the  detail  (trifling  as  it  may  appear)  of 
planking  down  one  hundred  dollars  is  one 
which  I  happen  just  at  this  moment  to  be 
unprepared  to  provide  for." 

"The  matter  should  be  closed  at  once," 
said  Mr.  Denslow.  "  In  a  deal  of  this  kind 
delay  is  too  often  disastrous.  As  for  the 
one  hundred  dollars,  I  will  lend  you  that 
amount,  for  a  small  cash  payment  is  really 
necessary  to  bind  the  bargain." 

My  heart  went  out  in  gratitude  to  this 
noble  gentleman.  Never  before  had  I  felt 
more  keenly  the  value  of  neighborly  friend 
ship. 

"As  this  business  is  to  be  transacted  in 
Mrs.  Baker's  name,"  said  Mr.  Denslow  to 
me,  "it  would  be  better  for  you  not  to  go 
with  us  to  see  Mrs.  Schmittheimer.  The 
presence  of  too  many  strangers  might  make 
the  old  lady  shy  of  doing  what  we  want 
her  to  do.  See  ?  " 

Yes,  I  comprehended  the  intent  of  the 
suggestion,  and  I  approved  it.  While  it 
was  far  from  my  desire  to  take  any  advan 
tage  of  the  Widow  Schmittheimer  or  of 

37 


THE   HOUSE 

anybody  else,  I  recognized  the  propriety  of 
conserving  our  own  interests  to  the  extent 
of  suffering  no  rights  of  our  own  to  be  either 
lost  or  jeoparded.  So  while  Mr.  Denslow 
and  Alice  went  upon  their  business  mission 
I  remained  with  Mrs.  Denslow  and  her  in 
teresting  children  and  elucidated  my  theory 
of  the  ice-caps  of  the  planet  Mars.  In  less 
than  an  hour  Mr.  Denslow  and  Alice  re 
turned  and  exhibited  with  delight  a  receipt 
signed  by  Katherine  Elizabeth  Schmitthei- 
mer,  which  receipt,  I  was  glad  to  see,  was 
practically  a  contract  to  sell  the  property 
upon  the  terms  specified  in  her  original  talk 
with  Alice. 

' '  The  terms  are  certainly  exceptionally  ad 
vantageous!  "  said  Mr.  Denslow.  "It  will 
take  some  time —  perhaps  a  week  or  ten  days 
—to  investigate  the  title;  when  this  detail  is 
satisfactorily  disposed  of  you  can  pay  down 
your  one  thousand  dollars  and  take  posses 
sion  of  the  premises." 

Pay  down  one  thousand  dollars  ?  Ah, 
I  had  quite  forgotten  about  that.  In  my  en 
thusiasm  over  the  prospect  of  a  home  of  our 
own,  and  in  the  delirium  induced  by  the  de- 

38 


THE    FIRST   PAYMENT 

lightful  chatter  about  the  paradise  into  which 
that  front  lawn  and  that  old  rookery  (as 
Adah  called  it)  were  to  be  transformed,  I 
had  suffered  all  thought  of  the  essential  and 
inevitable  first  payment  of  one  thousand  dol 
lars  to  slip  quite  out  of  my  mind.  Now  this 
awful  consideration,  from  which  there  could 
be  no  escape,  took  complete  and  exclusive 
possession  of  me.  Where  in  the  wide,  wide 
world  was  I  to  get  the  one  thousand  dollars  ? 
This  was  the  question  I  put  to  Alice  on 
the  way  home  from  the  Denslows'  that  mem 
orable  evening.  Alice  knew  as  well  as  I 
did  that  my  salary  was  sufficient  only  to 
cover  the  current  expenses  of  the  family. 
She  knew  as  well  as  I  did  that  the  royalties 
from  my  books  the  last  year  were  as  follows : 

"The  Star  Gamma  in  Leo  and  Its  Satellite  "...  $i. 60 

"Mars  and  Its  Ice-Caps" 75 

"  Probable  Depth  of  the  Bottle-Neck  Seas  as  Indi 
cated  by  the  Spectroscope  " 30 

"  Logarithms  for  the  Nursery" 1.15 

"Alphabetical  Catalogue  of  Binary  Stars" 65 

Total $4-45 

Alice  knew,  too,  as  well  as  I  did,  that  the 
whole  amount  of  money  I  received  from  my 

39 


THE   HOUSE 

lectures  before  the  West  Side  Society  for  the 
Diffusion  of  Knowledge  did  not  exceed  sev 
enty  dollars  last  year.  She  knew  all  these 
things,  and  I  told  her  so,  and  then  I  asked 
her  where  or  how  she  fancied  we  were  going 
to  raise  the  one  thousand  dollars  for  the  first 
payment  on  "  our  house."  To  my  surprise, 
Alice  was  prepared — or  at  least  she  seemed 
to  be  prepared  for  this  question. 

"Reuben,"  said  she,  "I  remember  having 
heard  Mr.  Black  say  one  day  during  his  visit 
to  us  last  summer  that  we  ought  to  have  a 
home,  and  that  if  we  ever  decided  to  buy 
one  he  would  try  his  best  to  help  us." 

Now  that  Alice  spoke  of  it  I,  too,  recalled 
that  friendly  remark  of  Mr.  Black's.  A  man 
who  is  drowning  will  catch  at  a  straw.  A 
man  who  has  bought  a  house  with  nothing 
to  pay  for  it  is  also  predisposed  to  clutch. 
Our  old  friend  Mr.  Black  now  loomed  up  as 
my  only  sure  salvation. 

Mr.  Black  is  upward  of  seventy  years  of 
age.  He  and  my  father  went  to  school  to 
gether  in  Maine,  and  subsequently  they  lived 
near  each  other  in  Cincinnati.  Mr.  Black 
had  been  a  merchant;  he  had  retired  from 
40 


THE   FIRST  PAYMENT 

business  rich.  After  my  father's  death,  while 
I  was  still  a  boy,  this  kind  old  friend  was 
good  to  me,  taking  an  interest  in  my  work 
and  my  welfare.  He  had  no  children  of  his 
own,  and,  if  he  did  not  regard  me  almost  as 
a  son,  I  certainly  grew  to  regard  him  almost 
as  a  father.  Mr.  Black  knew  the  value  of 
money  and  respected  it.  He  gave  freely,  but 
only  where  he  was  assured  it  was  deserved 
and  would  do  actual  good.  A  prudent,  care 
ful,  economical  man  himself,  he  encouraged 
prudence  and  thrift  in  others.  He  never 
quite  condoned  what  he  regarded  as  ex 
travagance  upon  my  part  in  buying  my  fifty 
pieces  of  mediaeval  armor,  although  it  is  to  his 
munificence  that  I  am  indebted  for  the  six- 
foot  telescope  with  which  I  am  wont  to  scan 
the  face  of  the  heavens. 

The  upshot  of  talks  with  Alice  and  Adah 
and  the  Denslows — to  say  nothing  of  other 
neighbors  with  whom  I  confidentially  con 
sulted — the  upshot  of  these  talks  was  that 
I  determined  to  go  to  Cincinnati  to  confer 
with  Mr.  Black  upon  the  propriety  of  his  ad 
vancing  to  me  the  money  wherewith  Alice 
should  make  the  first  payment  upon  her— 
41 


THE   HOUSE 

I  mean  our  house.  To  make  short  of  a  long 
story  (for  if  there  is  one  thing  that  I  despise 
above  all  others  it  is  prolixity),  I  went  to  Cin 
cinnati  and  unfolded  my  business  to  my 
aged  friend.  Mr.  Black  appeared  to  be  in  no 
indecent  haste  to  satiate  my  craving.  He  is 
not,  and  never  was,  a  man  of  exuberant  en 
thusiasms.  I  was  rather  pained  when,  upon 
learning  of  the  unparalleled  bargain  we  had 
secured  in  the  Schmittheimer  place,  he  did 
not  go  into  raptures  as  did  Mrs.  Denslow, 
and  Mrs.  Baylor,  and  Mrs.  Tiltman  and  the 
rest  of  our  neighbors  at  home.  So  far 
from  being  carried  away  by  any  whirlwind 
of  enthusiasm,  Mr.  Black  maintained  a  pla 
cidity  of  demeanor  amounting  to  stoicism; 
he  plied  me  with  questions  about  "titles," 
and  "abstracts,"  and  "indentures,"  and 
"mortgages,"  and  "liens,"  and  "  incum- 
brances,"  and  other  things  that  I  actually 
knew  no  more  about  than  the  veriest  Bush 
man  knows  about  the  theory  of  Nebulae. 

To  add  to  my  embarrassment  he  solicited 
explicit  information  about  the  Schmittheimer 
place,  in  what  subdivision  it  was  located, 
and  in  what  township.  Had  I  been  a  verita- 


THE   FIRST   PAYMENT 

ble  human  encyclopaedia  I  could  hardly  have 
satisfied  that  man's  greed  for  information 
touching  that  particular  spot.  What  knew 
I  of  tracts,  of  townships,  of  quarter  sections 
or  of  subdivisions  ?  Were  I  filled  with  a 
knowledge  of  these  humdrum  common 
places,  should  I  know  aught  of  that  enthusi 
asm  which  thrills  the  being  who,  after  many 
and  long  years  of  weary  hoping  and  wait 
ing,  sees  the  object  of  his  desires  just  within 
his  grasp  ?  Should  Moses  just  in  sight  of 
the  promised  land  be  expected  to  give  the 
dimensions  of  that  delectable  spot,  and  to 
locate  it  and  bound  it  and  map  it  off  with 
the  accuracy  of  a  Rand  &  McNally  town 
ship  guide  ? 

I  suppose  that  this  conservatism  is  natural 
with  some  people  —  this  lack  of  fervor,  this 
absence  of  enthusiasm.  Still  I  will  admit 
Mr.  Black's  tranquillity  —  nay,  his  glacial  com 
posure —  under  the  circumstances  surprised 
and  grieved  me.  I  did  not  understand  why 
the  prospect  and  the  promise  of  "our 
house"  did  not  set  Mr.  Black  —  and,  for  that 
matter,  all  the  rest  of  humanity  —  into  the 
selfsame  transports  of  delight  which  I  expe- 

43 


THE   HOUSE 

rienced.  Mind  you,  now,  I  am  not  com 
plaining  of  nor  am  I  finding  fault  with  Mr. 
Black.  1  am  simply  chronicling  happenings 
and  observations.  Mr.  Black  is  a  benevolent 
and  beneficent  man.  He  said  to  me  at  last: 
"Well,  you  can  tell  Alice  that  I  will  send 
her  a  draft  for  the  money  she  needs,  and 
within  a  fortnight  1  shall  run  up  to  take  a 
look  at  your  purchase." 

I  was  in  Cincinnati  three  days.  I  should 
have  been  there  but  two.  A  curious  hap 
pening  detained  me.  As  I  was  going  to  the 
railway  station  from  Mr.  Black's  house  the 
evening  of  the  second  day  I  saw  a  man  with 
a  reflector  telescope  selling  views  of  the 
moon  at  five  cents  apiece.  The  night  was 
so  auspicious  for  this  diversion  that  I  could 
not  resist  the  temptation.  Thus  seduced, 
the  time  sped  so  quickly  and  the  intoxication 
of  the  enjoyment  was  so  complete  that  two 
hours  slipped  away  before  I  awakened  to  a 
realization  of  my  folly,  which  cost  me  some 
what  over  a  dollar  and  a  half,  and  compelled 
me  to  postpone  my  departure  for  home  to 
the  next  day. 


44 


V 
WE   NEGOTIATE   A   MORTGAGE 

AJCE  and  I  supposed  that  as  soon  as  we 
made  that  first  payment  upon  the  old 
Schmittheimer  place  we  should  take  posses 
sion  of  it.  We  had  hastened  negotiations 
because  naturally  enough  we  were  anxious 
to  share  the  delights  of  the  Eden  which  was 
to  be  ours.  It  transpired  all  too  early  in  the 
proceedings,  however,  that  the  processes  of 
the  law  are  exceedingly  exacting  and  pro- 
vokingly  tedious.  With  the  one  thousand 
dollars  which  Mr.  Black  gave  us  we  fancied 
that  we  should  be  able  to  say  to  the  widow 
Schmittheimer:  "  Here  is  your  money;  now 
let  us  move  in." 

It  seems  that  the  business  is  not  done  in 
that  business-like  way.  As  soon  as  the  widow 
Schmittheimer  contracted  to  part  with  her 
property  at  a  stated  price  and  upon  stated 

45 


THE   HOUSE 

terms  she  awoke  to  a  realization  of  the  fact 
that  she  ought  to  have  the  cooperation  and 
counsel  of  a  lawyer  —  although  for  the  life 
of  me  1  cannot  see  what  there  was  left  for  a 
lawyer  to  do.  With  a  magnanimity  and 
generosity  which  bespoke  the  largeness  of 
his  nature,  Mr.  Denslow  volunteered  his  ser 
vices  as  counsellor  to  the  wary  widow,  and 
I  confess  that  I  should  have  interposed  no  ob 
jection  to  having  this  versatile  friend  serve 
in  this  capacity.  But  the  widow  chose  to 
decline  the  gratuitous  services  of  Mr.  Dens- 
low,  and  to  pay  fifty  dollars  for  the  profes 
sional  advice  of  a  certain  Lawyer  Meister- 
baum,  not  a  bad  fellow,  but  one  of  those 
carping,  superficial  people  who  pretend  to  a 
conscientiousness  and  a  prudence  and  a  zeal 
which  they  actually  do  not  possess. 

After  repeated  meetings  and  the  most  an 
noying  delays,  Alice  plainly  told  this  Lawyer 
Meisterbaum  that  he  had  more  than  earned 
his  fee  by  his  puerile  interferences  with  a 
prompt  and  amicable  adjustment  of  the  affair. 
Alice  and  Mr.  Denslow  and  I  agreed  that, 
if  we  had  been  left  to  ourselves,  we  could 
have  settled  the  business  with  the  widow 
46 


WE  NEGOTIATE   A   MORTGAGE 

Schmittheimer  in  half  a  day.  However,  I 
suppose  that  the  lawyers  must  have  a  chance 
to  make  a  living,  and  I  can  readily  under 
stand  how  a  really  conscientious  lawyer 
might  have  the  lingering  remnant  or  sugges 
tion  of  a  desire  to  impress  his  client  with  the 
suspicion  that  he  was  earning  his  fee. 

For  fully  a  fortnight  after  my  return  from 
Cincinnati  we  were  harassed  by  the  delays 
of  the  law,  or,  more  exactly  speaking,  by 
the  exasperating  crochets  of  the  lawyer. 
Meanwhile  there  came  letters  of  anxious  in 
quiry  from  our  munificent  friend  Mr.  Black, 
for  that  estimable  person,  being  aware  of  my 
predilection  for  ancient  armor  and  other 
curios,  found  it  difficult  to  disabuse  his  mind 
of  the  suspicion  that  his  one  thousand  dol 
lars  might  have  been  diverted  from  its  origi 
nal  purpose,  and  misappropriated  to  what  he 
esteemed  the  uses  of  folly.  So  it  was  with 
a  feeling  of  great  relief  that  finally  I  apprised 
our  generous  friend  by  telegraph  that  the 
transaction  had  been  closed. 

This  end  had  not  been  reached,  however, 
until  Alice  had  put  her  signature  and  her 
seal  to  a  curiously-phrased  document  which 

47 


THE   HOUSE 

served  (as  I  was  told)  as  security  to  the 
widow  Schmittheimer  in  case  of  "default 
in  payment  of  interest  or  principal."  This 
instrument  is  called,  as  I  remember,  a  deed 
of  trust,  which  seems  to  be  another  and  a 
more  polite  name  for  a  mortgage. 

I  protested  against  Alice's  putting  her  sig 
nature  to  this  document,  which  I  still  recog 
nize  as  a  covert  foe  to  our  happiness  and 
prosperity.  But  Mr.  Denslow  assured  us 
that  the  proceeding  was  wholly  proper  and 
businesslike,  and  Alice  paid  no  heed  to  my 
expostulations.  Never  before  had  I  had  any 
experience  in  matters  or  with  instruments 
of  this  kind,  and  I  will  admit  that  1  have  not 
even  now  any  idea  of  what  the  purport  of 
the  document  in  question  is,  further  than  a 
distinct  intuition  that  its  involved  syntax  and 
complex  and  cloudy  phraseology  bode  no 
good. 

As  soon  as  the  transaction  was  closed  the 
widow  Schmittheimer  burst  into  tears  and 
loudly  bewailed  having  parted  with  her 
home.  I  then  learned  that  for  the  last  ten 
days  she  had  been  almost  constantly  be 
sieged  by  old  friends  of  hers  —  the  same  who 
48 


WE  NEGOTIATE  A  MORTGAGE 

had  been  wont  to  consume  her  coffee  and 
her  kuchen  and  who  now  regaled  her  (in 
compensation,  as  it  were,  for  her  past  hos 
pitality)  with  reproachful  assurances  that  she 
had  been  virtually  swindled  out  of  her  beau 
tiful  property.  The  grief  of  this  lonely  and 
amiable  woman  touched  me  to  the  core,  and 
I  sought  to  assuage  her  melancholy  by  tell 
ing  her  that  we  should  expect  her  to  visit 
us,  to  which  she  replied  amid  tears  and 
seeming  gratitude  that  she  would  be  sure 
to  call  every  September  and  March,  these 
being  the  months  (as  I  afterward  learned)  in 
which  the  semi-annual  interest,  so  called,  fell 
due. 

As  you  may  suppose,  while  Alice  and  I, 
under  the  direction  of  Mr.  Denslow,  were 
worrying  ourselves  nearly  to  death  over  the 
miserable  details  of  "  closing"  this  transac 
tion,  our  neighbors  and  Adah  (Alice's  sister) 
busied  themselves  with  planning  improve 
ments  in  and  for  our  new  home.  It  was 
during  this  period  that  Adah  met  with  one 
of  those  sorrows  which  benumb  the  sensi 
tive  feminine  heart.  In  a  moment  of  van 
dalism  ever  to  be  deprecated,  little  Erasmus 

49 


THE    HOUSE 

discovered  and  took  possession  of  that  copy 
of  "TheNational  Architect"  which  contained 
the  picture  of  the  plutocratic  villa  at  Narra- 
gansett  Pier.  This  precious  relic  was  put  by 
the  heedless  boy  to  the  base  use  of  serving 
as  a  tail  to  a  kite,  and  during  one  of  the 
high  winds  the  kite  blew  away,  and  there 
was  an  end  to  Adah's  most  precious  pos 
session!  Thus  perished  the  link  that  united 
Adah  to  the  sweetest  dream  of  her  maturer 
years. 

However,  this  mishap  did  not  wholly 
abate  Adah's  interest  in  our  affairs.  In  an 
swer  to  Adah's  solicitation  a  long  letter  had 
come  from  Maria,  bearing  the  blissful  prom 
ise  that  a  carefully  made  plan  of  Maria's 
house  of  St.  Joe  (drawn  by  Maria  herself 
upon  a  fly  leaf  excerpted  from  Maria's  favor 
ite  volume,  "The  Life  of  Mary  Lyon  ")  would 
soon  be  forwarded  for  our  enlightenment 
and  delectation.  Maria  felt  kindly  toward 
us,  and  her  sympathies  had  been  awakened 
to  their  very  depths  by  a  tender  souvenir 
Adah  had  sent  her  —  a  leaf  plucked  from  one 
of  the  lilac  bushes  on  the  old  Schmittheimer 
place.  Both  Adah  and  Maria  belong  to  that 
so 


WE  NEGOTIATE  A  MORTGAGE 

old-school  class  of  proper  feminine  folk  who 
never  pick  but  always  pluck  flowers. 

Well,  Adah  and  the  neighbors  kept  as  busy 
as  a  bee  in  a  bottle  planning  changes  that 
they  deemed  necessary  in  our  house.  When 
we  got  through  with  that  dilly-dallying, 
shilly-shallying  Lawyer  Meisterbaum,  Alice 
and  I  found  out  that  Adah  and  the  neigh 
bors  had  left  little  for  us  to  do  except  to  ap 
prove  their  plans  and  pay  for  the  execution 
thereof. 

There  had  been  a  kind  of  tacit  under 
standing  all  along  that  such  changes  as  we 
made  in  the  Schmittheimer  house  should 
be  superintended  by  an  architect-carpenter 
who  was  cordially  recommended  by  Mrs. 
Denslow.  This  important  person's  name 
was  Silas  Plum,  and  he  had  a  shop  in  Os- 
good  Avenue,  opposite  one  of  our  most 
fashionable  and  most  prosperous  cemeteries. 
Mrs.  Denslow  always  called  him  Uncle  Si, 
and  this  circumstance  rather  prejudiced  me 
in  favor  of  him.  The  facts,  too,  that  Uncle 
Si  was  not  overcrowded  with  business,  that 
he  was  considerate  in  his  charges,  and  that 
he  was  of  so  great  versatility  that  he  could 

5' 


THE   HOUSE 

boss  the  plumbing  as  well  as  the  carpenter 
ing — these  facts  confirmed  us  in  the  opinion 
that  Uncle  Si  was  just  the  man  for  our  needs. 
I  went  with  Mrs.  Denslow  to  call  upon 
this  gifted  and  honest  son  of  toil.  His  mod 
est  place  of  business  was  indicated  to  the 
passer-by  by  this  insinuating  sign : 


SILAS  PLUM,  CARPENTER  &  BUILDER. 
BOXES  A  SPECIALITY. 


I  am  not  a  superstitious  person.  I  think 
I  have  already  told  you  so.  Still  I  have  in 
stincts  and  intuitions;  and  you,  who  are  not 
wholly  dead  to  the  subtle  influences  of  the 
more  delicate  sentiments,  will  probably  sym 
pathize  with  me  when  I  admit  that  Mr. 
Plum's  sign  did  not  inspire  me  with  that 
enthusiasm  which  is  at  least  comforting  to 
the  possessor.  The  reference  to  Mr.  Plum's 
"speciality"  was  what  cast  a  temporary 
gloom  over  me,  but  Mrs.  Denslow  was  not 
one  of  those  who  suffer  a  detail  so  insignifi- 

52 


WE  NEGOTIATE   A   MORTGAGE 

cant  as  this  to  stand  in  her  way;  so  I  was 
bounced  into  Uncle  Si's  shop  and  presented 
to  Uncle  Si  in  propria  persona. 

Uncle  Si  impressed  me  as  being  a  very 
trustworthy  man.  He  looked  not  unlike 
myself;  his  gaunt,  sinewy  frame  betokened 
severe  practicability,  and  his  calm  blue  eyes 
and  large  straight  mouth  combined  to  give 
his  face  an  unmistakable  and  convincing  ex 
pression  of  candor.  Of  speech  he  was  mon 
osyllabic,  and  this  peculiarity  pleased  me, 
for  I  have  always  admired  and  always  culti 
vated  directness  and  terseness,  there  being 
nothing  else  more  distasteful  to  me  than  the 
prolixity,  diffuseness,  pleonasm,  amplifica 
tion,  redundance,  and  copiaverborum  of  some 
people.  I  told  Uncle  Si  all  about  the  new 
purchase  we  had  made,  and  I  drew  upon  a 
pine  board  a  fairly  correct  plan  of  the  Schmitt- 
heimer  house  as  it  now  stood.  I  gave  him 
to  understand  that  numerous  and  important 
changes  were  required,  and  that  I  desired  to 
secure  from  him  an  estimate  as  to  the  cost 
of  those  changes. 

"I  can't  tell  how  much  it  will  be  till  I 
know  what  you  want,"  said  Uncle  Si. 

53 


THE   HOUSE 

I  recognized  the  justness  of  this  remark, 
yet  at  the  same  time  I  felt  bitter  toward 
Uncle  Si  for  not  knowing  without  being  told. 
To  tell  the  truth,  /didn't  know.  I  had  heard 
Alice  and  Adah  talking  in  a  general  way 
about  "closets"  and  a  "new  hall,"  and 
"  hardwood  floors"  and  —  and — and  things 
of  that  kind;  I  remembered  having  heard 
some  discussion  of  a  prospective  "addition," 
and — yes — I  now  recalled  that  the  front 
porch  would  have  to  be  rebuilt.  Hoping  to 
conceal  my  utter  ignorance,  I  told  Uncle  Si 
that  we  wanted  "  lots  of  changes,"  but  this 
would  not  satisfy  the  exasperating  man;  he 
insisted  upon  particulars,  upon  "specifica 
tions,"  as  he  termed  them. 

Of  course  I  was  unable  to  give  them ;  so 
was  Mrs.  Denslow.  The  only  really  distinct 
idea  Mrs.  Denslow  had  of  the  transformation 
contemplated  by  Alice  was  one  concerning 
the  front  lawn,  and  involving  gravel  walks 
between  flower  beds  and  under  umbrageous 
trees;  exotics  perennially  in  bloom;  Swiss 
tree  boxes,  from  which  the  lark  carolled  by 
day  and  the  nightingale  warbled  at  night ;  an 
artificial  lake,  in  which  goldfishes  swam  and 

54 


WE  NEGOTIATE   A   MORTGAGE 

upon  whose  translucent  bosom  majestic 
swans  glided  gracefully  —  1  assure  you  that 
Mrs.  Denslow  has  the  soul  of  a  poet! 

But  these  delightful  fancies  did  not  interest 
Uncle  Si,  because  they  did  not  concern  him 
or  his  trade.  So  we  compromised  the  mat 
ter  by  appointing  an  hour  that  evening  for 
Uncle  Si  to  call  and  talk  it  all  over  with  Alice. 
This  was,  seemingly,  the  only  way  out  of 
the  dilemma.  All  I  knew  was  what  I  didn't 
want,  or,  rather,  what  we  didn't  want.  Our 
many  and  long  and  earnest  conversations 
with  the  neighbors  had  determined  numerous 
important  points.  We  didn't  want  a  roof 
like  the  Baylors'  roof;  nor  water-pipes  like 
the  Rushes';  nor  backstairs  like  the  Tilt- 
mans';  nor  plastering  like  the  Denslows'; 
nor  dormer-windows  like  the  Carters';  nor 
a  kitchen  sink  like  the  Plunkers' ;  nor  smoky 
chimneys  like  the  Bellingers' ;  nor  a  skimpy 
little  conservatory  like  the  Mayhews' — in 
fact,  there  were  so  many  things  we  didn  't 
want  that  it  seemed  to  me  that  if  Uncle 
Si  had  been  moderately  ingenious  or  had 
given  his  imagination  full  rein,  he  might 
have  guessed  what  we  did  want,  and  so 


THE   HOUSE 

have  gone  ahead  without  fear  of  incurring 
our  displeasure. 

It  was  perhaps  better,  however,  that,  be 
fore  undertaking  his  task,  Uncle  Si  should 
require  some  hint  or  intimation  of  what 
would  be  expected  of  him.  I  am  the  last 
man  in  the  world  to  discourage  what  is  ordi 
narily  regarded  and  accepted  as  reasonable 
precaution  against  embarrassment  and  ad 
versity. 


VI 

I  AM   BESOUGHT   TO   BUY   THINGS 

A  MCE  had  her  talk  with  Uncle  Si  and 
issued  therefrom  with  the  conviction 
that  Uncle  Si  was  a  paragon  of  integrity  and 
carpentering  skill.  As  for  Uncle  Si,  he  must 
have  gathered  together  a  pretty  fair  general 
idea  of  what  Alice  wanted,  for  he  promised 
to  return  the  next  day  with  plans  and  details 
and  with  an  estimate  of  what  the  contem 
plated  improvements  would  cost. 

Meanwhile  another  complication  had 
arisen.  The  people  to  whom  the  widow 
Schmittheimer  had  rented  the  lower  part 
of  the  house  declined  to  vacate  the  premises 
unless  we  paid  them  a  bonus  of  fifteen 
dollars.  Alice  indignantly  protested  that 
we  had  no  fifteen  dollars  to  throw  away, 
and  I  recognized  the  truth  of  this  proposi- 

57 


THE   HOUSE 

tion.  Still,  a  visit  to  the  recalcitrant  tenants 
convinced  me  that  they  were  poor  folk  and 
could  ill  afford  to  bear  the  expense  of  moving. 
Another  circumstance  that  made  me  feel 
rather  kindly  toward  these  people  was  that 
their  name  was  Mitchell,  and,  although  they 
made  no  such  claim,  it  pleased  me  to  fancy 
that  they  were  of  kin  to  that  distinguished 
family  which  has  contributed  so  largely  to 
the  glory  of  native  astronomical  research. 

Actuated,  therefore,  by  the  most  honorable 
impulses,  I  gave  these  people  fifteen  dollars 
which  I  borrowed  for  that  purpose  from  my 
most  estimable  neighbor,  Mrs.  Tiltman,  upon 
the  understanding  that  I  should  pay  it  back 
when  1  heard  from  "The  Sidereal  Torch,"  to 
which  publication  I  had  sent  a  carefully  pre 
pared  essay  on  Encke's  comet.  In  this  wise 
a  matter  which  might  have  caused  us  much 
delay  and  vexation  was  quickly  and  ami 
cably  disposed  of.  I  did  not  tell  Alice  of 
what  I  had  done,  for  although  Alice  is  (as  I 
have  already  assured  you)  the  most  amiable 
of  her  sex,  she  cannot  brook  what  she  re 
gards  as  an  imposition,  and  this  inclination 
to  resent  seeming  overbearance  in  others  has 
58 


I   AM   BESOUGHT   TO   BUY   THINGS 

not  unfrequently  put  us  to  expense  and  in 
volved  us  in  embarrassment. 

Another  episode  which  is  still  fresh  in  my 
memory  I  cannot  forbear  relating.  Alice 
came  to  me  one  day  not  long  ago — it  was 
perhaps  three  weeks  since  —  and  insisted 
that  I  should  attend  to  having  the  correct 
name  of  the  avenue  in  which  we  were  to 
live  put  upon  the  lamp-posts  at  the  corners 
of  that  avenue.  I  could  not  guess  what 
Alice  meant  until  she  informed  me  that,  al 
though  the  name  of  that  thoroughfare  had  by 
ordinance  of  the  City  Council  been  changed 
from  Mush  Street  to  Clarendon  Avenue,  the 
old  name  of  Mush  Street  had  (by  a  singular 
inadvertence)  been  suffered  to  remain  upon 
the  lamp-posts  along  that  highway. 

"The  idea!"  cried  Alice,  indignantly. 
"  Do  you  suppose  I  would  live  upon  Mush 
Street?  Do  you  suppose  I  ever  would  have 
bought  that  house  and  lot  if  I  had  suspected 
even  for  a  moment  that  they  were  not  in 
Clarendon  Avenue?  Mush  Street  is  just 
horrid  —  everybody  else  thinks  so,  and  I 
know  it!  I  won't  have  it  Mush  Street;  it's 
Clarendon  Avenue,  and  I  'm  going  to  have 

59 


THE    HOUSE 

Clarendon  Avenue  engraved  on  my  cards! 
Reuben,  you  must  see  at  once  that  the  lamp 
posts  are  changed." 

I  confess  that  so  far  as  I  myself  am  con 
cerned  it  matters  not  whether  my  abiding 
place  be  in  Mush  Street  or  in  Clarendon  Ave 
nue  so  long  as  I  am  comfortably  bedded  and 
fed  and  my  family  are  well  provided  for. 
Names  are,  at  best,  arbitrary  things.  More 
over,  I  was  well  aware  (and  you  will  see 
for  yourself  if  you  consult  a  map  of  our  city) 
that  that  thoroughfare  which  has  been  re 
named  Clarendon  Avenue  is  actually  Mush 
Street,  or,  at  any  rate,  a  continuation  of 
Mush  Street.  However,  I  had  a  regard  for 
that  sense  of  feminine  pride  which  made 
Alice  revolt  against  Mush  Street.  I  am  aware 
that  the  conspicuous  characteristics  of  Mush 
Street  for  many  miles  are  goats  and  fortune 
tellers  and  coal  yards  and  rumshops  and  mid- 
wiveries;  these  glaring  features  are  by  no 
means  such  as  the  elite  of  our  society  care  to 
affect.  Conceding  that  my  indifference  to 
these  idiosyncrasies  should  not  be  suffered 
to  stand  in  the  way  of  the  natural  current  of 
Alice's  womanly  pride,  I  promised  to  do 
60 


I   AM   BESOUGHT  TO   BUY  THINGS 

my  best  toward  effecting  what  Alice  re 
quired,  and  I  am  now  engaged  upon  a  me 
morial  to  the  Mayor  and  the  Board  of  Alder 
men  prayingthatthe  lamp-posts  in  Clarendon 
Avenue  be  purged  of  that  lettering  which 
suggests  the  commonplace  antecedents  of 
that  thoroughfare. 

I  find  that  Alice  is  not  alone  in  her  wretch 
edness.  It  appears  that  our  friends  Lawyer 
Miles  and  Mr.  Redleigh  and  their  families 
are  at  present  engaged  in  the  momentous 
task  of  getting  the  name  of  the  street  in 
which  they  live  changed  from  Cemetery 
Avenue  to  Sportland  Place.  And  our  other 
friends  two  blocks  west  of  us  are  greatly 
agitated  just  now  because  the  name  of  their 
aristocratic  thoroughfare  has,  by  a  whim  of 
the  municipal  authorities,  been  changed  from 
Alexander  Avenue  to  Osgood  Street.  I  have 
mentioned  these  facts  to  Alice,  but  no  sense 
of  that  sympathy  which  is  said  to  arise  from 
the  companionship  of  misery  seems  to  recon 
cile  my  dear  wife  to  the  plebeian  association 
which  the  mere  mention  of  Mush  Street 
suggests. 

The  Sunday  morning  after  we  had  actu- 
61 


THE   HOUSE 

ally  bought  the  Schmittheimer  place  the  city 
newspapers  made  a  record  of  the  event  in 
their  "society  column,"  and  added  that  it 
was  "  understood  that  in  their  beautiful  new 
home  Prof,  and  Mrs.  Baker  would  entertain 
lavishly."  I  was  inclined  to  take  exception 
to  this  item,  which  I  regarded  as  a  vulgar 
parade  of  our  private  affairs;  moreover,  the 
innuendo  was  wholly  untruthful.  Alice  and 
1  did  not  intend  to  "entertain"  at  all;  we 
could  not  afford  to  "entertain."  What 
would  Mr.  Black  say  if  by  chance  he  were 
to  get  hold  of  a  copy  of  any  of  those  Sunday 
morning  newspapers  and  read  that  menda 
cious  paragraph  ?  He  would  not  only  lament 
the  one  thousand  dollars  which  he  had  just 
advanced;  worse  than  that,  he  would  for 
ever  shut  down  on  those  other  acts  of  sim 
ilar  generosity  which,  I  am  free  to  say,  Alice 
and  I  counted  among  the  pleasing  proba 
bilities  of  the  near  future. 

I  repeat  that  this  untruthful  notoriety 
through  the  medium  of  the  "society  col 
umn"  displeased  me,  and  I  am  sure  I  should 
have  spoken  my  mind  very  freely  about  it  if 
I  had  not  heard  Alice  reading  the  item  with 
62 


I   AM   BESOUGHT  TO   BUY  THINGS 

evident  gusto  to  her  sister  Adah.  My  amaze 
ment  was  increased  when  Alice  asked  me  to 
secure  a  dozen  extra  papers  for  her,  as  she 
wished  to  send  marked  copies  to  certain 
fashionable  society  acquaintances  and  to  sev 
eral  of  her  relatives  in  Maine !  I  can  picture 
the  rural  astonishment  with  which  Cousin 
Jabez  Fothergill  of  Biddeford  Pool  and  the 
Strattons  of  North  Moosehead  will  read  of 
our  good  fortune.  I  more  than  half  suspect 
that  in  a  moment  of  triumphant  revenge  and 
in  a  spirit  of  cruel  malice  Alice  sent  a  copy 
of  the  paper  to  Miss  Mears  at  Pocatapaug. 
Miss  Mears  is  little  to  me  now,  but  once  I 
called  her  Hepsival,  and  even  after  these 
many  years  of  separation  I  would  fain  undo 
any  act  of  spite  which  her  successful  rival, 
Alice,  might  attempt. 

The  Monday  following  the  publication  of 
this  strangely  malevolent  item  was  an  un 
usually  busy  day  with  me.  I  seemed  sud 
denly  to  have  become  the  target  of  every 
man  who  had  anything  to  sell.  I  was  waited 
upon  by  fruit-tree  venders,  lightning-rod 
agents,  fire  underwriters,  plumbers,  gas- 
fitters,  painters,  and  an  innumerable  army  of 
63 


THE   HOUSE 

persons  having  horses,  cows,  pigs,  chickens, 
shade  trees,  patent  hitching  posts,  smoke- 
consumers,  Pasteur  filters,  shrubbery,  lawn 
statuary,  fancy  poultry,  garden  utensils,  and 
patent  paving  to  dispose  of.  I  really  cannot 
realize  how  I  got  rid  of  them  all,  for  a  more 
affable  and  persuasive  lot  of  gentlemen  I 
never  before  had  met  with.  Come  to  think 
of  it,  I  have  not  got  rid  of  them.  They  con 
tinue  to  cultivate  my  acquaintance  and  on 
account  of  their  attentions  (polite  but  per 
sistent)  I  have  been  compelled  to  lay  aside 
temporarily  my  investigation  into  the  char 
acter  of  the  atmosphere  around  Aldebaran,  a 
most  delicate  work  upon  which  I  am  hop 
ing  to  rear  the  superstructure  of  my  fame. 

1  admit  that  these  attentions  rather  flatter 
me;  it  is  possible  that  after  a  time  —  say  a 
year  or  two  —  I  may  weary  of  the  courteous 
gentleman  who  is  now  seeking  to  sell  me  a 
dozen  apple-trees,  one-third  cash,  balance 
in  ten  years.  I  may,  in  the  lapse  of  time, 
become  indifferent  to  the  blandishments  of 
him  who  daily  for  the  last  two  months  has 
been  trying  to  convince  me  that  I  cannot 
reach  the  summum  bonum  of  human  happi- 
64 


I   AM   BESOUGHT   TO   BUY   THINGS 

ness  until  I  have  invested  four  dollars  in 
Perkins'  patent  automatic  garden  rake  and 
step-ladder  combination.  The  gentleman 
who  has  the  smoke-consumer,  the  gentle 
man  who  deals  in  shrubbery,  the  gentleman 
who  advocates  lightning  rods,  and  the  other 
gentlemen  who  represent  the  tantamount 
interests  of  lawn  statuary,  fancy  poultry, 
patent  paving,  etc.,  etc.,  etc. — I  may,  in  the 
flight  of  years,  become  insensible  to  their 
charms,  for  there  is  no  change  that  is  not 
rendered  possible  by  the  capricious  offices 
of  Time.  But  at  present  I  can  hardly  realize 
how  these  people  can  ever  be  other  than 
they  now  are  —  near  to  me,  as  I  know,  and 
dear  to  me,  as  I  feel. 

I  did  not  suspect,  before  I  became  a  house 
holder,  that  the  mere  possession  of  property 
was  capable  of  making  a  man  an  object  of 
such  unflagging  interest  to  his  fellow  crea 
tures.  I  find  it  very  pleasing  —  the  solicitude 
with  which  these  newly-made  acquaintances 
(the  venders,  agents,  and  other  polite  gen 
tlemen)  regard  me,  and  attend  upon  me, 
and  seek  to  gain  my  approval.  It  is  sweet 
to  be  beloved. 

65 


THE   HOUSE 

In  the  very  height  of  this  enjoyment,  how 
ever,  there  are  considerations  which  serve 
to  cause  me  feelings  of  disquietude.  My 
conscience  constantly  reproves  me  for  the 
deception  which  I  am  practising  upon  these 
people.  It  occurred  to  me  several  weeks 
ago  that  I  had  no  right  to  pose  as  the  pro 
prietor  of  our  new  house.  The  new  house 
and  its  circumadjacent  real  estate  belong  not 
to  me,  but  to  Alice  and  to  her  heirs  and  as 
signs  forever.  I  have  no  proprietary  rights 
in  that  house  or  upon  that  expansive  lawn; 
If  I  am  there,  it  is  simply  as  a  piece  of  furni 
ture,  like  the  stove,  or  the  clock,  or  the  cen 
tre-table.  I  am  simply  tolerated,  perhaps  as 
an  object  of  ornament,  perhaps  as  an  object 
of  use.  This  is  a  humiliating  confession ; 
the  thought  that  it  is  actually  true  pains  me 
poignantly. 

I  never  supposed  I  was  a  moral  coward, 
but  I  must  be;  otherwise  I  would  weeks 
ago  have  called  an  open-air  mass-meeting 
of  the  apple-tree  agents,  the  fire-underwrit 
ers,  the  patent  pavers  and  the  others,  and 
confessed  to  them  that  their  attentions  were 
misdirected,  and  that  I  was  not  in  fact  tbe 

66 


I   AM   BESOUGHT  TO   BUY   THINGS 

fortunate  being  whose  lot  they  sought  to 
better. 

A  strangely  craven  consideration  withheld 
me  from  this  manly  course.  I  suspected  that 
as  soon  as  I  divulged  the  truth  I  would  be 
forsaken  by  this  troupe  —  this  retinue  of 
unctuous  courtiers.  In  my  imaginings  I  be 
held  myself  deserted  and  alone,  while  the 
vast  army  of  my  quondam  attendants  and 
flatterers  tagged  after  and  surrounded  and 
fawned  upon  Alice,  the  real  purchaser  and 
actual  owner  of  our  new  place! 

I  make  a  candid  exposition  of  these  things, 
not  more  for  the  purpose  of  relieving  my 
conscience  of  its  long  pent-up  misery  than 
for  the  purpose  of  disclosing  that  which  may 
happily  serve  as  a  warning  to  my  fellow- 
beings.  I  long  ago  discovered  that  one  of 
the  compensations  of  human  folly  is  the  ex 
ample  which  that  folly  affords  for  the  discreet 
guidance  of  others. 


67 


VII 
OUR   PLANS   FOR   IMPROVEMENTS 

THE  result  of  the  numerous  conferences 
between  Alice  and  Uncle  Si  was  rather 
surprising  to  me.  It  involved  the  expendi 
ture  of  somewhat  more  than  three  thousand 
dollars.  However,  a  letter  had  been  re 
ceived  from  our  beneficent  friend,  Mr.  Black, 
in  which  that  estimable  gentleman  expressed 
the  conviction  that  we  ought  not  to  try  to 
live  in  a  house  that  did  not  have  the  ordi 
nary  conveniences  of  a  modern  city  home, 
and  that  we  should  add  whatever  improve 
ments  we  deemed  necessary  to  our  comfort; 
these  pleasing  expressions  of  opinion  were 
supplemented  by  the  still  more  pleasing  in 
timation  that  Mr.  Black  would  advance  us 
whatever  sum  was  necessary  to  the  provi 
sion  of  the  changes  and  innovations  we 
deemed  expedient.  It  was  evident  that  Mr. 
68 


OUR   PLANS   FOR  IMPROVEMENTS 

Black  was  most  kindly  disposed  toward  us; 
at  the  same  time  our  munificent  patron  took 
occasion  to  caution  us  against  extravagance 
and  to  impress  upon  us  a  sense  of  the  neces 
sity  of  constant  and  rigorous  economy — 
"especially  and  particularly  in  the  direction 
of  those  vanities  which  simply  gratify  an 
individual  whim,  and  are  of  no  practical 
value  whatsoever." 

Alice  read  this  last  sentence  aloud  to  me 
several  times,  for  it  expressed  exactly  her 
opinion  of  my  fondness  for  mediaeval  armor. 
I  am  making  no  complaint  of  the  sly  satisfac 
tion  which  Alice  seemingly  takes  in  twitting 
me  with  my  weakness.  I  expect  to  have  a 
glorious  revenge  by  and  by  when  we  move 
into  our  new  house,  and  when  Alice  dis 
covers  how  very  appropriate  and  ornamen 
tal  my  mediaeval  armor  will  be,  set  up 
against  the  walls  and  in  the  corners  of  the 
front  hall. 

Fortified  by  the  letter  from  Mr.  Black,  we 
had  little  difficulty  in  planning  the  most 
charming  improvements.  I  make  use  of  the 
plural  personal  pronoun,  although  if  I  were 
testifying  upon  oath  I  should  feel  compelled 
69 


THE   HOUSE 

to  admit  that  I  myself  had  precious  little  to 
do  with  the  planning.  It  grieved  me  con 
siderably  to  observe  that  while  the  neigh 
bors  generally,  and  Mrs.  Denslow  particu 
larly,  were  diligently  consulted  as  to  every 
detail  of  the  new  house,  an  expression  of 
my  wishes,  views,  and  advice  was  not  only 
not  solicited,  but,  when  volunteered,  seemed 
to  be  regarded  as  an  impertinence.  It  oc 
curred  to  me  at  such  times  that  prosperity 
by  no  means  improved  Alice's  temper,  but 
I  should  perhaps  have  taken  into  considera 
tion  the  circumstance  that  this  particular 
period  was  one  of  exceptional  excitement, 
and  that  had  the  same  sense  of  responsibility 
which  burdened  Alice  been  put  upon  me,  I, 
too,  should  have  exhibited  an  irritability 
wholly  foreign  to  my  nature  under  normal 
conditions  and  environments. 

It  was  determined  to  reconstruct  certain 
parts  of  the  old  Schmittheimer  residence  and 
to  build  an  addition  of  two  stories,  the  first- 
floor  room  to  be  devoted  to  the  purposes  of 
a  library  or  living  room,  and  the  room  in 
the  second  story  to  be  Alice's  bed-chamber. 
A  vast  number  of  closets  were  contemplated, 
70 


OUR  PLANS   FOR   IMPROVEMENTS. 

for,  as  you  are  presumably  aware,  woman 
kind  are  passionately  fond  of  closets,  and 
happy,  thrice  happy,  is  the  husband  who  is 
accorded  the  inestimable  boon  of  suspend 
ing  his  Sunday  suit  from  a  nail  therein.  As 
for  myself,  I  have  always  regarded  the  aver 
age  closet  as  an  ingenious  device  of  the  evil 
one  for  the  propagation  and  encouragement 
of  moths. 

Among  other  contemplated  innovations 
were  a  butler's  pantry  and  a  conservatory. 
I  approved  of  the  latter,  but  not  of  the 
former.  I  foresaw  in  that  butler's  pantry  a 
pretext,  if  not  a  reason,  for  the  purchase  of 
china,  crockery,  and  glassware,  to  be  used 
only  when  we  had  company  and  to  be  hid 
den  away  at  other  times  until  broken  by 
careless  servants. 

A  conservatory  had  for  years  been  one 
of  my  most  pleasing  desires.  Although  I 
know  little  of  them,  I  am  fond  of  flowers, 
particularly  of  those  which  others  care  for 
and  which  do  not  breed  or  abound  in  creep 
ing  things.  But  the  use  to  which  I  was 
ambitious  to  put  my  —  or  our — conserva 
tory  was  that  of  an  aviary.  I  love  all  pet 

7' 


THE   HOUSE 

birds,  and  one  of  my  sweetest  day  dreams 
has  been  that  which  possessed  me  of  a 
large  glass  room  or  bower  well  stocked 
with  canaries,  linnets,  bullfinches,  robins, 
wrens,  Java  sparrows,  love  birds,  and  paro 
quets.  I  have  often  pictured  to  myself  the 
delight  I  should  experience  in  entering  into 
this  heaven  of  song  and  in  caressing  these 
feathered  pets,  in  feeding  them  and  in  teach 
ing  them  pretty  tricks  and  games.  I  recall 
those  pleasant  boyhood  days  when  a  pet 
crow,  and  a  flock  of  pigeons,  and  two  baby 
hawks  afforded  me  rapture  and  solicitude 
combined.  Then  followed  an  experience 
with  a  matronly  hen  and  her  brood  of  chicks. 
I  am  not  ashamed  to  say  that  I  loved  these 
friends  of  my  youth  and  that  I  still  reverence 
their  memories.  Nor  am  I  ashamed  to  tell 
you  that  for  several  years  after  I  reached  ma 
turity  a  particular  object  of  my  affections  was 
a  wee  canary  bird  that  sang  sweet  songs  to 
me  and  played  daintily  with  my  finger  when 
ever  I  thrust  it  into  the  little  rascal's  cage. 
Alice  insists  that  1  actually  cried  when  that 
silly  little  creature  died ;  may  be  I  did,  for  I 
am  a  very,  very  foolish  fellow. 
72 


OUR   PLANS   FOR   IMPROVEMENTS 

One  of  the*  things  I  have  never  been  able 
to  understand  is  why  Alice,  with  all  her  gen 
tleness  and  tenderness,  has  so  violent  an 
antipathy  to  bird  and  brute  pets.  Alice  ac 
tually  seems  to  dislike  birds  and  dogs  with 
the  same  zeal  with  which  I  love  them.  At 
times  —  you  will  hardly  believe  it  —  Alice 
has  exhibited  Neronian  cruelty  and  hardness 
of  heart.  I  remember  that  on  one  occasion 
she  caught  a  harmless,  innocent  little  blue 
mouse  in  the  pantry.  She  fully  intended  to 
drown  the  helpless  creature  —  as  if  this  world 
were  not  big  enough  for  mice  and  men  to 
live  and  be  happy  in !  I  had  great  difficulty 
in  rescuing  the  tiny  rodent  from  his  captor, 
and  I  remember  the  satisfaction  I  had  in 
giving  him  his  liberty  under  the  kitchen 
porch  of  neighbor  Rush's  house  next 
door. 

At  first  Alice  was  kindly  disposed  toward 
the  conservatory  scheme,  but  in  an  un 
guarded  moment  one  day  I  chanced  to  breathe 
a  suggestion  that  a  combination  conserva 
tory-bird  cage  would  do  very  nicely,  and 
that  settled  the  fate  of  my  pleasant  dreamings 
forever. 

73 


THE   HOUSE 

But  I  seldom  argue  these  things  with 
Alice.  The  conservatory  is  now  a  shattered 
dream,  and  the  butler's  pantry  is  inevitable. 
The  graceful  alcove,  which  was  to  have  been 
the  conservatory  (with  aviary  features),  is  to 
be  provided  with  a  permanent,  stationary 
seat  which  Adah  is  to  upholster  in  a  pattern 
which  Maria  has  promised  to  send  from  St. 
Joe.  Whenever  I  think  of  it  there  rise  up 
before  my  mind's  eye  visions  of  stolen  meet 
ings  in  that  alcove,  and  whispered  inter 
views,  in  which  I  fancy  I  see  our  daughter 
Fanny  figuring  as  an  active  participant,  and 
then  I  devoutly  pray  that  little  Erasmus' 
vigilance  may  be  increased  a  thousand 
fold. 

I  was  informed  in  good  time  that  the 
library  was  to  be  virtually  the  living-room  for 
the  family.  It  was  here  that  casual  callers 
were  to  be  received  and  entertained;  here 
the  errand  boys  who  delivered  packages 
from  the  downtown  shops  were  to  leave 
their  goods  and  get  their  receipts;  here  the 
laundryman  was  to  wait  every  Monday 
morning  while  Adah  gathered  up  my  heb 
domadal  bundle  of  linen  for  the  wash;  here 

74 


OUR   PLANS   FOR   IMPROVEMENTS 

were  the  children  to  gather  for  a  frolic  every 
evening  after  the  humble  vesper  meal. 

I  am  wondering  whether  Alice  and  Adah 
and  the  neighbors  will  approve  of  my  dearly 
cherished  plan  to  have  one  of  the  tall  clocks 
stationed  in  one  corner,  and  my  very  old 
Suffolk  oak  table  in  another  corner,  and  in 
still  another  the  curious  old  sofa  which  Aunt 
'Gusty  has  promised  to  send  me  from  Darien, 
Georgia.  I  am  painfully  aware  that  Alice 
and  Adah  and  the  neighbors  regard  the 
beautiful  furniture  in  which  I  delight  as 
"old  trumpery." 

When  we  first  looked  at  the  Schmitt- 
heimer  place  Alice  exclaimed,  upon  being 
ushered  into  one  of  the  rooms:  "Now  this 
is  just  the  room  for  Reuben  and  his  old  trump 
ery  !  "  It  is  twenty-two  feet  long  and  eigh 
teen  feet  wide,  and  there  are  windows  to  the 
north,  west,  and  south.  Curiously  enough, 
the  chimney  runs  up  through  the  middle  of 
this  room,  presenting  an  appearance  at  once 
novel  and  grotesque.  Alice  assures  me  that 
this  will  prove  a  unique  and  charming  fea 
ture,  for  she  intends  to  put  innumerable 
shelves  around  the  chimney,  and  place 

75 


THE   HOUSE 

thereon  the  interesting  and  valuable  curios, 
the  purchase  of  which  has  kept  me  involved 
in  financial  embarrassment  forthe  last  twenty 
years. 

Alice  has  settled  it  in  her  own  mind  just 
where  in  my  new  room  each  bit  of  my  be 
loved  furniture  shall  be  located  —  the  ma 
hogany  chest  of  drawers,  the  old  secretary, 
the  four-post  bedstead,  the  haircloth  trunk, 
the  oak  book-case,  the  corn-husk  rocker, 
the  cuckoo  clock,  the  Dutch  cabinet  —  yes, 
each  blessed  piece  has  already  had  its  place 
assigned  to  it,  even  to  the  old  red  cricket 
which  Miss  Anna  Rice  sent  me  from  her 
Connecticut  home  twelve  years  ago.  I  am 
indeed  the  most  fortunate  of  men;  for  who 
but  my  Alice  could  be  so  sweet  and  self- 
abnegatory  as  to  take  upon  her  own  dear 
little  shoulders  the  burden  of  responsibilities 
that  elsewise  would  weigh  upon  her  hus 
band  ? 


76 


VIII 
THE   VANDALS   BEGIN   THEIR  WORK 

AT  the  regular  April  meeting  of  the  Lake 
Shore  Society  of  Antiquarians  I  met  my 
old  and  valued  friend,  Belville  Rock,  and  told 
him  of  the  important  venture  which  Alice 
had  made.  He  seemed  greatly  pleased  at 
the  prospect  of  our  having  a  home  of  our 
own,  and  after  making  careful  inquiries  into 
the  extent  and  character  of  the  improvements 
we  contemplated  he  bade  me  tell  Alice  that 
he  wanted  to  pay  the  bill  for  the  painting  of 
the  exterior  of  the  house.  "I  desire  to  do 
somewhat  toward  beautifying  your  prem 
ises,"  said  he,  "and  I  don't  know  that  I  can 
do  better  than  to  paint  the  house.  You 
understand,  of  course,  that  my  long  and 
intimate  acquaintance  with  you  and  Alice 
warrants  me  in  proposing  as  a  friendly  act 
what  elsewise  might  be  regarded  as  an 
impertinence." 

77 


THE    HOUSE 

I  hastened  to  assure  Mr.  Rock  that  both 
Alice  and  I  knew  him  to  be  utterly  incapable 
of  any  word  or  deed  that  could  by  any 
means  be  misconstrued  into  an  impertinence. 
We  had  known  this  amiable  gentleman  for 
the  period  of  twenty  years.  It  was  he  who 
proposed  me  for  membership  of  the  Lake 
Shore  Society  of  Antiquarians,  and  it  was  he 
who  provided  the  means  wherewith  I  pub 
lished  my  first  book,  entitled  "A  Critical 
View  of  the  Causes  of  Eclamptic  and  Trau 
matic  Idiocy." 

This  was  at  the  time  in  my  career  when  I 
supposed  I  had  good  reason  to  believe  that 
all  human  mental  and  physical  ills  are  di 
rectly  traceable  to  the  influence  of  the  moon, 
which  theory  was  suggested  to  me  by  the 
discovery  that  cabbages  thrive  when  planted 
in  the  first  quarter  of  the  moon  and  invari 
ably  pine  when  planted  in  the  full  of  the 
moon.  I  am  still  more  or  less  of  a  believer 
in  this  theory,  and  it  is  my  purpose  to  renew 
my  investigations  and  experiments  in  this 
direction,  particularly  so  far  as  cabbages  are 
involved,  for  I  mean  to  have  a  kitchen  gar 
den  (with  Alice's  permission)  as  soon  as  we 
78 


THE   VANDALS   BEGIN   THEIR   WORK 

move  into  our  new  place  in  Mush  Street  — 
pardon  me,  I  mean  Clarendon  Avenue. 

Belville  Rock  has  always  exhibited  a 
friendly  interest  in  me  and  my  welfare.  He 
is  president  of  a  savings  bank  and  is  con 
cerned  in  numerous  mercantile  and  spec 
ulative  enterprises.  He  belongs  to  many 
clubs  and  social  organizations,  and  is  presi 
dent  of  the  Sons  of  Vermont,  the  Sons  of 
New  York,  the  Sons  of  Rhode  Island,  the 
Sons  of  Michigan,  and  the  other  Sons  who 
have  effected  formal  organizations  in  this  city. 
He  is  treasurer  of  most  of  the  current  enter 
prises  and  he  is  recognized  as  a  leader  of 
distinct  influence  in  the  several  political  par 
ties  which  control  public  affairs  locally. 

Mr.  Rock  commands  the  happy  faculty  of 
divorcing  himself  wholly  from  business  dur 
ing  those  hours  which  he  has  dedicated  to 
sociability.  He  declines  to  discuss  monetary 
matters  outside  his  room  at  the  bank.  I  recall 
how,  upon  several  occasions  when  I  have 
approached  him  upon  the  delicate  subject  of 
negotiating  a  trifling  temporary  loan,  he  has 
dismissed  the  matter  by  reminding  me  that 
he  had  certain  days  which  he  set  apart  for 

79 


THE   HOUSE 

business  of  this  character,  and  that  at  other 
times  he  devoted  himself  exclusively  to  the 
consideration  of  other  things. 

I  recall,  too,  that  after  persistent  inquiry 
(having,  possibly,  selfish  ends  in  view),  I 
learned  from  Cashier  Bolton,  who  is  Mr. 
Rock's  marble-hearted  alter  ego,  that  Mr. 
Rock's  hours  for  the  consideration  of  all  ap 
plications  for  personal  accommodations  were 
from  7.55  to  8  a.m.,  every  other  Thursday. 
This  may  strike  the  average  person  as  a 
unique  singularity,  but  I  find  it  easy  to  un 
derstand  how  a  man  so  numerously  inter 
ested  in  affairs  as  Mr.  Rock  is  should  find  it 
imperative  to  regulate  his  business  and  social 
conduct  with  the  most  methodical  and  most 
exacting  system. 

You  can  depend  upon  it  that  I  lost  no 
time  in  apprising  Alice  and  Adah  and  our 
neighbors  of  Mr.  Rock's  munificent  propo 
sition,  and  I  hardly  need  assure  you  that  by 
all  Mr.  Rock's  generosity  was  warmly  ap 
plauded.  The  incident  gave  rise  to  a  new 
phase  in  the  sequence  of  events,  for  imme 
diately  a  discussion  arose  as  to  the  color 
which  we  ought  to  paint  our  new  house, 
80 


THE   VANDALS   BEGIN   THEIR   WORK 

and  this  discussion  continued  with  increas 
ing  vigor  for  several  days.  Adah  was  char 
acteristically  earnest  in  her  advocacy  of  a 
soft  cream  yellow,  that  being  the  shade 
adopted  by  Maria  when  she  repainted  her 
St.  Joe  domicile  —  a  soft  cream  yellow,  with 
the  blinds  in  a  delicate  brown,  that  was 
Adah's  choice  as  inspired  by  her  memory  of 
Maria's  habitation.  The  Baylors  suggested 
a  poetic  grayish  tint,  which  they  insisted 
would  look  specially  pretty  through  the 
foliage  of  the  fine  old  trees  in  the  front 
yard.  The  Tiltmans  preferred  a  light  brown, 
and  the  Rushes  a  bright  yellow.  As  for 
Mrs.  Denslow,  she  raised  her  voice  in  favor 
of  "white,  with  green  blinds,"  for,  as  she 
wisely  argued,  it  was  not  possible  to  find  a 
more  appropriate  combination  for  a  house 
that  had  been  a  farmhouse  and  that  would 
retain  (even  after  we  had  rehabilitated  it)  the 
most  salient  characteristics  of  a  farmhouse. 

Alice  and  I  agreed  with  Mrs.  Denslow  (as 
we  generally  do),  and  our  determination  was 
confirmed  when  we  subsequently  learned, 
upon  inquiry  of  Mr.  Krome,  the  painter, 
that  white  paint  was  as  expensive  a  paint  as 
81 


THE   HOUSE 

could  be  selected.  It  was  our  desire,  in  our 
choice  of  paint,  to  do  nothing  likely  to  lessen 
or  to  detract  from  the  lustre  of  the  princeli- 
nessofMr.  Rock's  liberality.  Mr.  Rock  had 
set  no  limitations  to  his  munificence;  far  be 
it  from  us  to  do  that  which  might  be  con 
strued  wrongfully  as  inappreciation  of  that 
munificence.  It  was  the  part  of  friendship 
to  premise  that  Mr.  Rock's  intentions  were 
large,  and  then  it  behooved  us  to  see  that 
those  intentions  were  carried  out  upon  a 
scale  of  equal  scope.  We  decided,  there 
fore,  that  the  paint  should  be  white,  and 
that  it  should  be  carriage  paint. 

Uncle  Si  had  advised  us  to  have  plenty  of 
light  and  air  admitted  to  "  the  addition  "  by 
means  of  numerous  windows.  According 
to  the  rude  plan  he  submitted  for  Alice's  ap 
proval,  "the  addition"  when  completed 
would  have  looked  like  a  collection  of  win 
dows  of  every  size  and  shape.  This  was 
before  Mr.  Rock  offered  to  paint  the  house. 
After  Mr.  Rock's  proposal  was  made  to  and 
accepted  by  us  it  occurred  to  us  that  it  would 
result  in  a  considerable  saving  to  us  if  we 
were  to  limit  the  number  of  windows  and 
82 


THE   VANDALS   BEGIN   THEIR   WORK 

devote  the  space  (thus  economized)  to  clap- 
boarding.  This  would  involve  a  larger  ex 
pense  upon  Mr.  Rock's  part,  but  it  could 
not  be  denied  that  Mr.  Rock  could  better 
afford  paying  for  paint  than  we  could  afford 
paying  for  window  frames  and  glass. 

I  think  it  likely  that  I  should  have  called 
on  Mr.  Rock  to  learn  his  preference  in  the 
matter  had  the  "every  other  Thursday" 
been  nearer  at  hand.  But  Mr.  Krome,  the 
painter,  and  Uncle  Si,  the  boss  carpenter,  re 
quired  a  speedy  decision,  and  so  we  went 
ahead  without  consulting  our  munificent 
friend.  Mr.  Krome  thereupon  volunteered 
to  do  our  painting  by  the  square  yard,  in 
stead  of  by  the  square  foot  (as  is  the  custom 
ary  proceeding) ;  he  admitted,  with  a  candor 
rarely  met  with  in  his  profession,  he  could 
as  well  afford  to  do  our  house  in  white  car 
riage  paint  by  the  square  yard  as  other  rival 
painters  could  afford  to  do  it  in  common 
white  lead  by  the  square  foot.  I  assured 
Mr.  Krome  of  my  determination  to  spare  no 
pains  to  cooperate  with  him  in  every  honest 
and  ambitious  endeavor  at  Mr.  Rock's  ex 
pense. 

83 


THE   HOUSE 

So  now,  the  widow  Schmittheimer  having 
vacated  the  premises,  the  work  of  rehabili 
tation  began  in  earnest.  Men  with  wheel 
barrows  and  spades  and  picks  made  their 
appearance  and  started  in  to  demolish  walls 
and  to  excavate  sand  at  a  marvelous  rate. 
Presently  a  cavernous  space  yawned  where 
it  was  proposed  to  locate  the  cellar  where 
the  steam-heating  apparatus  was  to  stand. 
The  sand  taken  from  this  spot  was  barrowed 
out  and  dumped  in  a  pile  over  the  horse 
radish  bed  in  the  back  yard. 

This  was  the  first  piece  of  vandalism  I 
noticed,  and  I  protested  against  it.  Not  long- 
thereafter  I  discovered  that  the  workmen 
engaged  at  battering  down  the  partitions  in 
the  upper  part  of  the  house  were  piling  up 
the  refuse  scantling  and  laths  on  the  currant 
and  gooseberry  bushes  in  the  side  yard.  I 
protested  again,  and  so  I  kept  on  protesting, 
for  hardly  a  day  passed  that  I  did  not  detect 
the  workmen  about  that  house  at  some  piece 
of  lawlessness  jeoparding  the  cherry  trees, 
or  the  lilac  bushes,  or  the  tulips,  or  the  roses, 
or  the  peonies,  or  the  asparagus  bed. 

Cui  bono — to  what  good  ?  With  as  much 
84 


THE  VANDALS   BEGIN   THEIR  WORK 

effect  might  the  wild  man  of  Borneo  rail  at 
Capella  because  her  silvery,  twinkling  light 
is  seventy-one  years  in  reaching  this  distant 
planet. 

I  am  unalterably  opposed  to  the  wanton 
destruction  of  life.  Moreover,  it  seems  to 
me  that  the  trees,  the  shrubbery,  the  vines 
and  the  flowers  on  the  Schmittheimer  place 
have  certain  rights  which  the  invaders 
ought  to  respect.  At  any  rate,  I  spent  the 
better  part  of  two  days  transplanting  a  num 
ber  of  the  currant  and  gooseberry  bushes, 
and  although  I  had  a  stiff  neck  and  a  very 
lame  back  for  a  considerable  time  thereafter 
I  felt  more  than  compensated  therefor  by  the 
conviction  that  I  had  saved  the  lives  of  friends 
who  would  duly  give  me  practical  proof  of 
their  gratitude. 

There  were  certain  acts  of  lawlessness 
that  I  could  neither  prevent  nor  repair. 
One  grieved  me  particularly.  The  plum 
ber  hitched  his  horse  to  a  tree  in  the  front 
yard  one  morning,  and,  before  the  damage 
he  had  done  was  discovered,  the  herbivorous 
beast  had  eaten  up  a  white  lilac  bush  and  a 
snowball  bush,  thus  completing  a  destruc- 

85 


THE    HOUSE 

tion  for  which  there  would  seem  to  be  no 
compensation.  Upon  another  occasion  a 
stray  cow  invaded  the  premises  and  laid 
waste  the  tulip  bed  and  chewed  off  the  tender 
buds  on  the  choicest  of  the  rose  bushes. 

But  the  most  extensive  and  the  most  hide 
ous  depredations  were  committed  by  human 
beings  under  pretext  of  necessity  and  of  in 
terest  in  my  behalf.  I  refer  now  to  those 
remorseless  men  who  came  first  and  tore  up 
the  beautiful  lawn  and  cut  away  the  roots 
of  trees  and  digged  a  deep,  long  pit  in  which 
to  lay  sewer  pipes;  who  came  again  and 
committed  another  similar  atrocity  under 
plea  of  laying  a  water-pipe;  who  came  still 
again  and  for  the  third  time  abused  and 
seared  and  seamed  and  blighted  that  lawn 
for  the  alleged  purpose  of  laying  a  gas-pipe! 
O  civilization !  what  crimes  are  committed  in 
thy  name! 

These  experiences  sobered  and  saddened 
me  to  a  degree  that  was  strangely  new  to 
me.  At  times  I  felt  embittered  against  all 
the  world.  But  as  there  is  no  cloud  that  has 
not  its  silver  lining,  so  there  were  pleasant  lit 
tle  happenings  which  ever  and  anon  seemed 

86 


THE   VANDALS   BEGIN  THEIR  WORK 

to  relieve  my  despondency.  On  one  occa 
sion  Uncle  Si  said  to  me  cheerily:  "We  're 
going  to  have  good  luck  from  this  time  on." 
"What  do  you  mean  ?"  I  asked.  "Come 
along  with  me  and  see  for  yourself,"  said 
he. 

Uncle  Si  led  the  way  into  the  house  and 
down  into  the  basement.  He  pointed  to  an 
old  valise  that,  spread  open,  lay  under  the 
stairs  amid  the  debris  which  the  masons  had 
left. 

"That  's  what  I  mean,"  said  Uncle  Si, 
"and  it  brings  good  luck  every  time!  " 

1  saw  that  the  old  and  abandoned  valise 
contained  a  tabby  cat  at  whose  generous  dugs 
six  wee  kittens  were  tugging  industriously. 
The  widow  Schmittheimer  had  left  her  home 
and  gone  elsewhere,  but  faithful  tabby  re 
mained  behind,  true  to  that  instinct  which 
makes  the  feline  unalterably  loyal  to  locality. 

I  never  before  liked  cats;  I  have  always 
positively  disliked  them  because  they  kill 
birds.  Yet,  do  you  know,  I  actually  felt  my 
heart  go  out  in  tenderness  to  this  particular 
mother  tabby  and  her  mewing  kits.  It  oc 
curred  to  me,  as  she  lay  there,  blinking  and 

87 


THE    HOUSE 

purring  in  apparent  amiability  and  in  evident 
pride,  that  here  at  least  was  a  cat  that  would 
not  kill  birds;  if  so,  1  would  adopt  her,  and 
as  for  the  kittens  —  yes,  I  would  adopt  them, 
too. 

1  made  up  my  mind  that  I  would  name  the 
kittens  after  my  most  intimate  neighbors; 
one  should  be  Baylor,  another  Tiltman,  an 
other  Rush,  afourth  Denslow,  the  fifth  Browe, 
and  the  sixth  Roth.  I  am  sorry  there  are 
not  two  more,  for  I  should  like  to  honor  my 
two  munificent  patrons,  Mr.  Black  and  Mr. 
Rock.  But  there  must  be  a  limit  to  human 
possibilities.  As  for  the  mother  cat  herself, 
there  was  but  one  thing  for  me  to  do;  I  had 
to  name  her  Alice,  of  course. 


88 


IX 

NEIGHBOR   MACLEOD'S  THISTLE 

THE  incident  of  the  tabby  cat's  appear 
ance  with  six  kittens  may  have  been  a 
portent  either  of  good  or  of  evil.  As  you 
know,  I  am  not  a  superstitious  person.  I 
smile  at  those  whimsical  fancies  which  figure 
so  conspicuously  in  many  people's  lives, 
such  as  the  howling  of  dogs,  the  flickering 
of  a  candle,  the  arrangement  of  the  grounds 
in  a  cup,  the  cracking  of  a  mirror,  the  sud 
den  stopping  of  the  clock,  the  crowing  of 
hens,  the  chirping  of  crickets,  the  hooting 
of  an  owl,  the  fall  of  a  family  portrait,  the 
spilling  of  salt,  a  dream  of  the  toothache, 
etc.,  etc.,  etc.  If  this  particular  cat  had 
been  black  instead  of  tabby  I  should  have 
regarded  her  advent  as  a  prognostic,  for  it 
is  conceded  by  all  scientists  that  there  is  a 
mysteriously  subtle  virtue  in  a  black  cat. 


THE   HOUSE 

The  fact,  however,  that  she  was  tabby 
dispossessed  her  of  all  power  either  for  evil 
or  for  good,  and  I  could  not  help  regarding 
Uncle  Si  with  pity  for  the  seeming  venera 
tion  in  which  he  held  this  harmless  and  in 
nocent  beast.  Still  I  determined  to  watch 
and  note  events  with  a  view  to  confuting 
the  superstition  which  foresaw  good  luck 
in  the  presence  of  this  cat  and  her  offspring. 

While  the  work  of  rehabilitating  the  old 
house  was  at  its  height  I  received  a  letter 
from  my  friend  Byron  Tinkle  of  Kansas 
City,  congratulating  me  upon  having  secured 
so  lovely  a  home  after  so  many  years  of 
patient  waiting.  "  And  now,"  said  he,  "I 
am  anxious  to  be  represented  by  some  bit 
of  furniture  in  your  new  place.  It  has  oc 
curred  to  me  that  a  handsome  library  table 
might  be  acceptable,  and  it  would  certainly 
delight  me  to  present  you  with  an  object 
which  would  serve  to  remind  you  of  your 
old  schoolmate,  whose  affection  for  you  has 
been  abated  neither  by  separation  nor  by 
the  lapse  of  time." 

Mr.  Tinkle  then  went  on  to  say  that  he 
had  hit  upon  a  very  appropriate  design  for 
90 


NEIGHBOR  MACLEOD'S   THISTLE 

a  library  table — a  design  full  of  historical 
and  mythological  allusion.  Four  figures  of 
Atlas  supporting  the  world  were  to  serve  as 
the  legs  of  this  table,  and  around  the  sides 
of  the  top  were  to  be  carved  scenes  illustra 
tive  of  the  progress  of  civilization  since  the 
building  of  Solomon's  temple.  Upon  the 
four  edges  of  the  top  were  to  be  inlaid  mo 
saic  portraits  of  the  most  famous  scientists, 
including  Aisculapius,  Moses,  Galileo,  Dar 
win,  Herschel,  Mitchell,  Huxley,  Harvey, 
Jenner,  etc.,  and  the  top  itself  was  to  repre 
sent  a  cunningly  devised  map  of  the  world, 
in  which  my  native  town  of  Biddeford, 
Maine,  was  to  appear  as  the  central  and 
most  conspicuous  figure. 

I  felt  very  grateful  to  my  old  friend  Tinkle 
for  his  generosity,  but  I  said  nothing  of  it  to 
Alice.  Recalling  the  experience  with  Col 
onel  Mullaly's  yellow  lamp,  I  suspected  that 
if  Alice  were  to  hear  of  this  promised  addi 
tion  to  our  furniture  she  would  surely  change 
the  whole  architectural  scheme  of  our  new 
home  in  order  to  adapt  it  to  the  new  centre 
table. 

Mr.   Tinkle's  princely  offer  was  but  the 

9' 


THE   HOUSE 

beginning  of  a  series  of  handsome  and  use 
ful  gifts.  It  seemed  as  if  our  friends  no 
sooner  heard  of  our  purchase  of  a  home  than 
they  became  possessed  of  a  desire  to  con 
tribute  toward  embellishing  that  home. 
Another  Kansas  City  friend,  Colonel  Gustave 
Gerton,  late  of  the  Bavarian  Guards,  tele 
graphed  me  that  a  dozen  young  apple  trees, 
carefully  picked  from  his  Nonpareil  Nursery, 
awaited  my  order.  The  Janowins,  who 
have  a  prosperous  farm  in  Kentucky,  duly 
apprised  us  that  when  we  were  ready  to 
stock  our  place  they  would  send  us  a  heifer 
and  a  litter  of  pigs.  Cousin  Jabez  Fother- 
gill  forwarded  to  us  all  the  way  from  Maine 
a  box  which  was  found  to  contain  a  pint  of 
Hubbard  squash  seeds,  a  dozen  daffodil 
sprouts,  and  a  goodly  collection  of  catnip 
roots.  Offers  of  dogs  came  from  numerous 
quarters — dogs  representing  the  mastiff, 
bloodhound,  Newfoundland,  beagle,  setter, 
pointer,  St.  Bernard,  terrier,  bull,  Spitz, 
dachshund,  spaniel,  colly,  pug,  and  poodle 
families.  Had  we  contemplated  a  peren 
nial  bench  show,  instead  of  a  quiet  home, 
we  could  hardly  have  been  more  favored. 
92 


NEIGHBOR   MACLEOD'S  THISTLE 

With  a  discretion  begotten  of  twenty  years' 
experience  as  a  husband,  I  referred  all  these 
proffers  of  canine  gifts  to  Alice  with  power 
to  act,  and  I  dimly  surmise  that  considera 
tion  of  them-  has  been  postponed  indefi 
nitely. 

As  soon  as  our  neighbors  realized  what 
horticultural  possibilities  our  noble  expanse 
of  front  yard  offered  they  fairly  overwhelmed 
us  with  floral  and  arboreal  gifts.  During 
that  unusually  warm  spell  we  had  about  two 
months  ago  there  was  scarcely  an  hour  of 
the  day  that  a  wheelbarrow  or  a  man  servant 
or  both  did  not  arrive  bearing  lilac  sprouts 
from  the  Leets,  or  Japanese  ivy  slips  from 
the  Sissons,  or  peonies  from  the  old  Doller 
homestead,  or  mignonette  from  Mrs.  Roth, 
or  dahlias  from  Mrs.  Knox,  or  marigolds 
from  the  Baylors,  or  pansies  from  the  Haynes, 
or  tulip  bulbs  from  Mrs.  Redd,  or  something 
or  another  from  somebody  else. 

You  can  depend  upon  it  that  all  this  kept 
me  wondrously  busy.  I  broke  four  trowels 
and  raised  a  dozen  ugly  blisters  on  my  right 
hand  in  my  attempt  to  get  these  tender  to 
kens  of  friendship  transplanted  before  they 

93 


THE   HOUSE 

withered.  One  day  Mrs.  Baylor  and  Mrs. 
Rush  took  me  to  a  neighboring  greenhouse 
with  them ;  they  wanted  to  purchase  some 
vines  to  train  over  their  front  porches.  The 
man  at  the  greenhouse  showed  me  an  in 
numerable  assortment  of  beautiful  rose 
bushes,  which  1  bought  in  the  fond  delusion 
that  they  would  vastly  embellish  our  front 
lawn.  I  recall  the  pride  with  which  I  told 
Alice  and  Adah  that  I  guessed  I  had  pur 
chased  enough  flowers  to  fill  the  whole  yard. 
I  recall  also  the  sense  of  humiliation  I  expe 
rienced  when,  after  that  innumerable  assort 
ment  had  been  set  out  in  the  yard,  I  discov 
ered  that  there  was  not  enough  of  them  to 
make  an  impression  even  upon  the  most 
susceptible  eye. 

I  am  not  yet  quite  sure  whether  neighbor 
Macleod  was  in  earnest  or  whether  he  meant 
it  in  fun  when  he  sent  us  a  magnificent  this 
tle,  with  the  suggestion  that  we  plant  it  in 
our  lawn.  But,  out  of  respect  to  neighbor 
Macleod's  patriotism  as  a  loyal  son  of  Cale 
donia,  I  did  plant  the  thistle  in  amiable  com 
pliance  with  my  friend's  suggestion.  Other 
neighbors  protested  against  this,  but  I  im- 
94 


NEIGHBOR  MACLEOD'S   THISTLE 

puted  their  objections  to  that  natural  feeling 
of  jealousy  which  is  too  likely  to  manifest 
itself  when  the  interests  of  other  neighbors 
are  involved.  The  thistle  was  an  uncom 
monly  large  and  active  one,  and  I  suffered 
somewhat  from  its  teeth  before  I  finally  got 
it  comfortably  located  in  a  patch  of  succulent 
turf  under  one  of  our  willow-trees. 

The  unusually  warm  spell  to  which  I  have 
referred  was  followed  (as  you  will  doubtless 
recollect),  by  a  period  of  bitterly  cold  wea 
ther.  With  an  anguish  which  I  am  utterly 
incapable  of  describing,  I  saw  my  marigolds 
and  mignonette  and  roses  and  peonies  and 
dahlias  and  pansies  and  other  leafy  pets 
wither  and  droop  and  shrivel.  In  less  than 
forty-eight  hours'  time  they  were  all  appar 
ently  as  dead  as  that  side  of  the  moon  which 
is  invisible  to  us.  The  only  flower  or  shrub 
in  all  that  once  blooming  lawn  which  re 
mained  unshorn  of  its  beauty  by  the  bitter 
hyperborean  blasts  was  the  Macleod  thistle. 
Proudly  it  reared  itself  amid  that  desolation, 
and  defiantly  it  exhibited  its  fangs  to  foe  and 
friend  alike. 

I  cannot  tell  you  how  heartily  I  rejoiced 


THE   HOUSE 

that  I  had  not  yielded  to  the  importunities 
of  the  Baylors,  the  Tiltmans,  the  Browes, 
and  the  Denslows  when,  in  an  ebullition  of 
neighborly  jealousy,  they  sought  the  destruc 
tion  of  that  sturdy  plant.  But  my  delight 
was  of  short  duration.  One  morning  before  I 
arrived  to  pursue  my  horticultural  avocation 
a  remorseless  policeman  invaded  the  prem 
ises  and  pulled  up  the  bristling  emblem  of 
Scotia  and  cast  it  into  the  hard  highway  un 
der  the  pretext  that  by  so  doing  he  was  com 
plying  with  a  provision  of  the  revised  stat 
utes.  I  learned  that  this  policeman  is  a 
Swede,  and  I  can  justify  his  conduct  only 
upon  the  hypothesis  of  heredity,  although  it 
is  hard  to  conceive  that  the  malignant  feeling 
which  existed  centuries  ago  among  the 
Norsemen  who  were  wont  to  harry  the  Scot 
tish  coast  should  exhibit  itself  at  this  remote 
period  in  thedemeanorofa  naturalized  Swede 
who  presumably  does  not  know  the  differ 
ence  between  a  viking  and  a  meteorite. 

If  I  had  been  of  a  sarcastic  or  of  a  bitter 

nature,  I  might  have  imputed  this  curious 

train  of  mishaps  to  the  malign  influence  of 

that  maternal  tabby  cat  which  Uncle  Si  had 

96 


NEIGHBOR  MACLEOD'S   THISTLE 

hailed  as  a  harbinger  of  good  luck.  As  it 
was,  I  could  not  resist  giving  play  to  my  de 
sire  for  retaliation  when  Uncle  Si  confided  to 
me  one  morning  that  some  unscrupulous 
person  or  persons  had  invaded  the  premises 
the  night  before  and  had  carried  off  about 
six  thousand  feet  of  choice  lumber.  I  was 
disposed  to  be  very  wroth  at  first,  but  when 
I  gathered  from  Uncle  Si's  remarks  that  the 
loss  would  fall  upon  him  and  not  upon  me 
my  anger  was  assuaged  to  a  degree  that 
admitted  of  my  suggesting  to  Uncle  Si  that 
perhaps  this  incident  might  be  reckoned  as  a 
part  of  that  "good  luck"  which  the  advent 
of  the  tabby  cat  and  her  kits  had  prognosti 
cated. 

Having  unbosomed  myself  of  this  perhaps 
too  savage  thrust,  I  gave  Uncle  Si  a  cigar 
and  in  my  most  cordial  tones  bade  him 
"never  mind  and  be  of  good  cheer."  I 
make  it  a  practice  never  to  say  or  do  that 
which  is  likely  to  occasion  pain  or  humilia 
tion  without  accompanying  the  word  or  the 
deed  with  somewhat  that  shall  serve  as  an 
antidote  thereunto.  For  I  bear  ill  will  to 
none,  and  it  is  constantly  my  endeavor  to 

97 


THE   HOUSE 

make  life  pleasant  and  dear  not  only  to  my 
self  but  also  to  my  fellow  beings. 

My  consideration  for  Uncle  Si's  feelings 
was  almost  immediately  rewarded,  for  as  I 
left  Uncle  Si  smoking  his  cigar  in  a  com 
forted  mood  I  beheld  my  neighbor,  Colonel 
Bobbett  Doller,  coming  up  the  driveway  and 
beckoning  to  me.  If  you  know  the  colonel 
as  I  do,  you  know  him  to  be  a  gentleman  of 
wealth,  of  position,  and  of  influence.  More 
over,  Colonel  Doller  is  a  man  of  large  sympa 
thies.  He  had  heard  of  our  recent  acquisi 
tion  and  had  come  to  congratulate  me.  We 
shook  hands  warmly. 

"  You  have  here,"  said  Colonel  Doller,  cor 
dially,  "a  magnificent  property,  and  I  heartily 
rejoice  to  learn  that  you  acquired  it  at  a 
merely  nominal  price.  Has  it  occurred  to 
you,  my  dear  sir,  that  this  tract,  with  its 
majestic  sweep  of  lawn  and  its  picturesque 
glory  of  shade  trees,  presents  tremendous 
possibilities — in  fact,  secures  to  you  the  op 
portunity  of  comprehending  riches  beyond 
the  dreams  of  avarice?  Let  us  be  seated 
upon  this  pile  of  bricks  while  I  unfold  to  you 
a  panorama  of  potentialities." 


X 

COLONEL    DOLLER'S    GREAT    IDEA 

COLONEL  BOBBETT  DOLLER  and  I  sat 
down,  side  by  side,  on  the  pile  of  bricks, 
and  the  colonel  proceeded  straightway  to 
disclose  pleasing  visions  to  my  mind's  eye. 

"  You  are  doubtless  aware,"  said  the  col 
onel,  "that  you  are  not,  in  the  severest  ac 
ceptation  of  the  term,  a  business  man?" 

"Alas,"  said  I,  "  I  am  compelled  in  all 
candor  to  admit  that  lamentable  fact." 

"Then,"  continued  the  colonel,  "you 
probably  do  not  know  that  this  noble  ex 
panse  of  high  ground  upon  which  your 
stately  residence  is  reared  is  the  exact  centre 
of  a  radius  of  eighty  miles.  In  other  words, 
did  the  power  of  your  vision  extend  eighty 
miles  you  would  be  able  to  see  for  yourself 
from  the  roof  of  your  superb  house  that  this 

99 


THE   HOUSE 

point  is  in  fact  the  centre  of  a  radius  repre 
senting  a  stretch  in  any  and  every  direction 
of  eighty  miles." 

"No,  I  had  never  supposed  it  possible," 
said  I. 

"It  is,  nevertheless,  a  demonstrable  fact," 
said  Colonel  Doller.  "It  is  more  notorious, 
however,  that  this  property  of  yours  (desig 
nated  in  the  records  as  the  south  half  of  lot 
16,  Terhune's  addition,  section  9,  township 
of  Pond  View)  " 

"  Page  273,  volume  105, "said  I,  interrupt 
ing  him;  for  I  suddenly  recalled  the  super 
scription  on  the  warranty  deed. 

"  Exactly,"  said  Colonel  Doller,  with  a  ge 
nial  smile.  "  Now,  as  I  was  about  to  remark, 
it  is  notorious  that  this  property  of  yours  is 
situate  in  the  very  heart  of  the  delectable 
tract  known  to  the  world  as  the  North  Shore. 
I  do  not  exaggerate  when  I  say,  in  the 
language  of  my  popular  brochure  entitled, 
'Homes  for  the  Homeless,'  that  the  North 
Shore  offers  inducements,  both  for  the  living 
and  for  the  dead,  which  are  not  met  with  in 
any  other  part  of  our  growing  community. 
Recognizing  the  merit  of  these  inducements, 


COLONEL   DOLLER'S   GREAT   IDEA 

immigration  has  turned  its  tide  toward  the 
North  Shore.  Ten  years  ago  there  was 
naught  but  desolation  where  now  the  dan 
delion  blooms  and  the  voice  of  the  tree-toad 
is  heard  in  song.  What  do  we  see  about  us 
to-day  ?  To  the  north  of  us  the  roof  of  Mar 
tin  Howard's  new  barn  glistens  under  the 
smiling  noonday  sun.  Turning  our  gaze 
westward  we  behold  the  turrets  of  the  pala 
tial  residence  which  neighbor  Bales  has 
erected  in  Razzle  Street.  Yonder  in  the 
southeast  horizon  we  detect  the  tall,  lithe 
flagpole  which  Major  Ryson  has  set  up  as  a 
graceful  tribute  to  the  memory  of  the  late 
lamented  yacht  club.  Cast  your  eyes  where 
you  will  and  you  will  see  convincing  evi 
dences  of  the  onward,  irresistible  march  of 
civilization. 

"  This  noble  property  of  yours,  "continued 
Colonel  Doller,  "is  the  very  heart  of  all  this 
pulsing,  throbbing,  bustling,  teeming  civili 
zation.  Why,  my  dear  Baker,  I  would  not 
exchange  (if  I  were  you)  the  opportunities 
now  within  your  grasp  for  any  other  con 
ceivable  thing  —  not  even  though  millions 
were  placed  in  the  opposing  scale! " 


THE   HOUSE 

' '  I  don't  believe  I  understand  you, "  said  I. 

' '  I  will  be  more  explicit, "  said  Colonel  Dol- 
ler.  "  The  tide  of  immigration  has  already 
overwhelmed  this  section;  a  great  commer 
cial  wave  is  closely  following  it.  Trade  will 
soon  locate  its  emporiums  in  the  midst  of  us. 
Already  two  blocks  to  the  south  of  this 
property  a  commercial  mart  has  begun  to 
invite  the  attention  and  the  patronage  of 
our  public." 

"You  refer  to  Pusheck's  grocery  store  ?" 

"  The  same,"  said  Colonel  Doller.  "  Pres 
ently  a  barber-shop  and  a  banana  stand  will 
follow;  then  a  bicycle  repair-shop  will 
spring  up  in  our  midst,  and  from  that  mo 
ment  our  status  as  a  commercial  centre  will 
be  assured." 

As  I  was  in  no  sense  a  business  man  I 
could  not  deny  this.  To  be  frank  with  you, 
it  all  looked  very  plausible  to  me. 

"  There  is  nothing  else,  "continued  Colonel 
Doller,  "  more  practicable  or  of  greater  value 
than  foreseeing  events  and  being  prepared  for 
them.  Now,  here  you  are  in  the  very  midst 
of  this  flood  of  immigration,  and  with  the 
tidal  wave  of  commerce  at  your  very  door. 


COLONEL   DOLLER'S   GREAT   IDEA 

Is  your  property  in  a  position  to  avail  you 
handsomely  in  case  you  accede  to  the  de 
mands  of  reason  and  conclude  to  yield  to  the 
persuasions  of  immigration  and  commerce  ? 
The  consideration  which  should  be  para 
mount  with  you  is  this:  'Having  secured 
this  property,  how  can  I  get  rid  of  it  to  the 
best  advantage?" 

"  But  it  is  n't  for  sale,"  said  I. 

"True,  quite  true,  "answered  Colonel  Dol- 
ler,  with  a  weary,  patient  smile,  "but  it  will 
be.  What  is  North  Shore  property  for  if  not 
for  sale  ?  You  certainly  do  not  intend  to  vio 
late  all  the  customs  and  traditions  of  the  com 
munity  by  holding  out  against  an  opportu 
nity  to  benefit  yourself?  That,  my  dear 
Baker,  would  be  folly." 

"But  nobody  has  asked  us  to  sell,"  said 
I,  apologetically. 

"That  is  because  your  property  is  not  in 
desirable  shape,"  said  the  colonel.  "If  it 
were,  you  would  have  chances  to  enrich 
yourself  in  less  than  a  month.  You  see  your 
lot  fronts  one  hundred  feet  on  Clarendon 
Avenue,  and  runs  back  two  hundred  and 
thirty-nine  feet  to  a  prospective  alley;  this 
103 


THE   HOUSE 

gives  you  one  hundred  feet  of  salable  prop 
erty,  but  with  a  depth  that  actually  involves 
a  wicked  waste  of  land.  Now  suppose  you 
were  to  buy  the  twenty-five  feet  that  lies  to 
the  south  on  Clarendon  Avenue  just  between 
your  lot  and  Sandpile  Terrace.  That  would 
give  you  a  frontage  of  two  hundred  and 
thirty-nine  feet  on  the  terrace,  with  a  depth 
altogether  of  one  hundred  and  twenty-five 
feet!  Do  you  follow  me  ?  " 

"Yes,  1  see,"  said  I,  as  this  good  and 
shrewd  man's  meaning  gradually  stole  upon 
me. 

"With  that  additional  twenty-five  feet," 
resumed  Colonel  Doller,  "you  could  divide 
up  the  whole  property  into  what  you  might 
call  (if  you  chose)  Baker's  Subdivision:  then 
you  could  parcel  it  off  into  twenty-foot  lots 
with  frontage  on  Sandpile  Terrace  —  and 
there  you  are,  a  rich  man  almost  before  you 
know  it." 

"Gracious  me!  That  is  a  great  idea!" 
said  I,  and  I  whistled  softly  to  myself. 

"Great?  Well,  I  should  say  so!"  ex 
claimed  Colonel  Doller.  "I  knew  it  would 
appeal  to  you,  for  you  are  a  man  of  intelli- 
104 


COLONEL   DOLLER'S   GREAT   IDEA 

gence  and  capable  of  foreseeing  and  appre 
ciating  potentialities." 

"Who  owns  that  strip?"  I  asked,  refer 
ring  to  the  twenty-five  feet  adjoining  our  lot 
to  the  south. 

"Well,  it  happens  to  be  mine,"  said  Col 
onel  Doller.  "As  soon  as  I  heard  that  you 
had  purchased  this  place  it  occurred  to  me 
that  you  ought  to  have  that  twenty-five  feet 
in  order  to  make  the  rest  of  your  property 
available.  So,  without  saying  a  word  about 
it  to  anybody  else,  I  've  stepped  over  here  to 
tell  you  that  if  you  want  it  I  '11  throw  that 
strip  in  to  you  at  one  hundred  and  twenty- 
five  dollars  per  front  foot." 

"We  gave  only  one  hundred  dollars  a 
foot  for  this  lot,"  said  I. 

"Very  true,"  said  Colonel  Doller,  "but 
my  lot  admits  of  giving  you  a  frontage  of 
two  hundred  and  thirty-nine  feet  on  Sand- 
pile  Terrace." 

"To  be  sure  it  does,"  said  I.  "For  the 
moment  I  quite  lost  sight  of  that.  Well,  I 
think  very  favorably  of  it,  and  I  suspect  Mr. 
Black  would  insist  upon  my  closing  with 
you  at  once.  I  '11  speak  to  Alice  about  it." 
105 


THE   HOUSE 

"  Be  careful  not  to  breathe  a  word  of  it  to 
anybody  else,"  suggested  Colonel  Doller  in  a 
low,  mysterious  tone,  "and  whatever  else 
you  do,  don't  let  my  partner,  Leet,  have 
even  so  much  as  an  inkling  of  the  fact  that 
we  've  had  a  talk!  You  understand  ?" 

"  It  shall  be  kept  a  profound  secret!  "  said 
I,  with  solemn  earnestness. 

Colonel  Doller  patted  me  reassuringly  on 
the  shoulder  as  he  arose  to  depart. 

"Baker,"  said  he,  kindly,  "you  are  as 
good  as  a  rich  man  already !  You  get  that 
extra  twenty-five  feet  and  make  a  subdivision 
of  this  property,  and  you  '11  have  so  much 
money  you  won't  know  what  to  do  with  it! 
Why,  the  next  thing  we  '11  hear  of  you,  you  '11 
be  living  in  a  castle  on  a  hill,  with  an  obser 
vatory —  just  think  of  it,  Baker,  old  man!  an 
observatory  and  a  twelve-foot  telescope 
capable  of  discovering  a  new  comet  every 
night,  rain  or  shine!  " 

The  kind  gentleman's  enthusiasm  quite 
took  my  breath  away.  As  I  watched  him 
departing  down  the  shady  drive  my  heart 
overflowed  with  gratitude,  and  again  1 
thanked  the  providential  Power  that  had 


COLONEL   DOLLER'S  GREAT   IDEA 

given  me  so  many  kind,  solicitous,  and  self- 
sacrificing  friends. 

My  conversation  with  Colonel  Doller  set 
me  to  indulging  in  thoughts  which  were 
entirely  new  to  me,  and  which  pleased  me 
with  their  novelty  and  brilliancy.  I  fancied 
myself  already  possessed  of  a  wealth  which 
permitted  me  to  pursue  unreservedly  those 
studies  and  investigations  which  have  been 
my  delight  since  youth.  In  imagination  I 
pictured  myself  the  owner  of  a  sightly  resi 
dence  surmounted  by  a  spacious  observa 
tory,  in  which  was  located  a  magnificent 
reflector-telescope  operated  by  the  newest 
and  nicest  mechanism.  It  was  pleasing  to 
be  rich,  even  in  fancy.  My  thoughts  re 
verted  to  the  children. 

"Dear  pampered  darlings,"  I  murmured, 
"they  little  know  the  lives  of  independence 
and  of  ease  that  are  before  them.  They 
will  never  know  what  it  is  to  toil  and  to 
economize.  And  Alice — sweet  girl — this 
will  put  an  end  to  her  worry  about  grocery 
bills!" 

It  is  curious  how  completely  I  lost  interest 
in  our  new  house  as  soon  as  the  prospect 
107 


THE   HOUSE 

of  getting  rich  dawned  upon  me.  You  will 
not  believe  it,  but  after  that  talk  with  Colonel 
Doller  I  looked  with  actual  disdain  upon  the 
old  Schmittheimer  home  and  its  broad,  vel 
vety  lawn  under  the  noble  trees.  I  was  so 
possessed  with  the  fascinating  scheme  sug 
gested  by  Colonel  Doller  that  I  was  even 
tempted  to  bid  Uncle  Si  and  his  men  quit 
work  until  I  had  consulted  with  Alice  as  to 
the  feasibility  of  abandoning  the  proposed 
improvements  and  investing  the  rest  of  Mr. 
Black's  three  thousand  dollars  in  the  twenty- 
five-foot  strip  to  the  south  of  us.  1  am  glad 
now  that  the  still  small  voice  within  me  pre 
vailed,  and  that  I  saw  Alice  before  saying 
anything  to  Uncle  Si. 

"Reuben  Baker,"  exclaimed  Alice,  "that 
property  is  mine  and  I  bought  it  for  a  home, 
•not  to  sell.  If  you  and  Colonel  Doller  want 
to  speculate,  you  need  n't  think  you  're  go 
ing  to  rope  me  into  any  of  your  schemes." 

"But,  Alice,  darling— 

"  I  sha'  n't  listen  to  a  word  of  such  non 
sense,"  persisted  Alice.  "So,  there." 

I  was  inclined  to  remonstrate,  but  just  at 
that  moment  the  front  door  bell  rang  and  a 

108 


COLONEL   DOLLER'S   GREAT   IDEA 

telegraphic  message  was  handed  in.  The 
message  was  from  Cincinnati  and  it  read  in 
this  wise: 

"Shall  be  there  to-morrow  morning  to 
look  things  over.  Luther  M.  Black. 

In  the  prospect  of  a  visit  from  our  patron, 
Mr.  Black,  I  speedily  forgot  all  about  Colonel 
Bobbett  Doller  and  his  pleasing  panorama 
of  potentialities.  In  this  we  see  illustrated 
the  wisdom  of  Providence  in  so  dispensing 
human  events  as  to  soothe  the  wounds  of 
disappointment  with  the  balm  of  anticipa 
tion. 


109 


XI 
I  MAKE  A  STAND  FOR  MY  RIGHTS 

SHORTLY  after  Mr.  Black's  arrival  that 
worthy  gentleman  was  escorted  with  all 
due  formality  to  the  old  Schmittheimer  place 
in  Clarendon  Avenue.  Recognizing  the  fact 
that  first  impressions  are  lasting,  we  deter 
mined  that  Mr.  Black's  first  impressions  of 
our  purchase  should  be  favorable.  So  we 
conducted  him  to  our  property  by  a  rather 
circuitous  route.  The  approach  to  the  old 
Schmittheimer  place  from  the  north  is  by  all 
means  the  most  agreeable;  it  leads  by  Mr. 
Rink's  fine  colonial  house  and  Martin  How 
ard's  new  place  and  through  an  embowered 
avenue  of  weeping  willows,  which,  out  of 
deference  to  his  melancholy  profession,  Mr. 
Dimmons,  landscape  gardener  of  our  most 
prosperous  cemetery,  has  constructed  in 
front  of  his  beautiful  residence  in  Thistle 


I   MAKE  A   STAND   FOR  MY   RIGHTS 

Patch  Court;  a  turn  is  then  made  upon  Dan 
delion  Place,  and  just  one  block  this  side  of 
Mr.  Allworth's  bowlder  house  (famous  as 
the  greatest  bargain  ever  acquired  on  the 
North  Shore)  another  turn  to  the  right  brings 
you  in  sight  and  within  a  few  yards  of  our 
property. 

Mr.  Black  was  pleased  with  the  neighbor 
hood.  He  is  not  a  man  of  enthusiasms;  in 
all  the  years  of  my  acquaintance  with  him  I 
have  never  known  him  to  give  way  to  an 
ebullition  of  any  kind.  Yet  upon  this  occa 
sion  there  was  an  expression  upon  his  face 
when  he  first  set  eyes  upon  our  property 
which  gave  me  to  understand  that  he  ap 
proved  of  our  purchase.  I  hastened  to 
clinch  this  favorable  impression  by  apprising 
him  briefly  of  the  proposition  Colonel  Bob- 
bett  Doller  had  made  to  me  the  previous  af 
ternoon,  and  I  flatter  myself  that,  between 
us,  Alice  and  I  made  a  pretty  fair  presenta 
tion  of  the  merits  of  our  new  place. 

"You  seem  to  have  begun  reconstructing 
the  house,"  said  Mr.  Black.  "  Who  is  your 
architect  ?  " 

' '  We  have  no  real  architect, "  said  I.  "In 
in 


THE   HOUSE 

order  to  save  expense  we  have  employed  a 
boss  carpenter  capable  not  only  of  designing 
plans,  but  also  of  executing  them.  His 
name  is  Silas  Plum." 

"  Plum  ?  That  is  a  very  familiar  name  to 
me,"  said  Mr.  Black.  "I  wonder  whether 
he  is  any  kin  to  the  Plum  family  of  Maine. 
There  was  an  Elnathan  Plum,  who  used  to 
live  in  Aroostook,  and  I  went  to  school  with 
him  at  Pocatapaug  Academy  in  the  winter 
of  1827.  The  last  time  I  visited  Maine  I  was 
told  that  he  had  moved  west  in  1840,  or 
thereabouts.  He  married  a  third  cousin  of 
mine  whose  maiden  name  was  Eastman  — 
Euphemia  Eastman,  as  I  recall  it." 

Of  course  I  was  unable  to  say  what  Uncle 
Si's  antecedents  were,  but  I  felt  pretty  cer 
tain  that,  if  left  to  himself,  Mr.  Black  would 
find  out  all  about  them,  for  of  all  the  people 
I  ever  met  with  Mr.  Black  surely  has  the 
most  astounding  faculty  for  acquiring  and 
remembering  genealogical  data. 

Our  worthy  friend  consumed  fully  a  half- 
hour's  time  inspecting  our  front  lawn,  ex 
amining  into  the  condition  of  the  fence, 
learning  what  kind  of  trees  we  had,  and  as- 


I   MAKE   A  STAND   FOR  MY   RIGHTS 

certaining  the  character  and  depth  of  the  soil. 
I  do  not  hesitate  to  affirm  that  he  knew  more 
about  these  things  at  the  end  of  that  half- 
hour  than  I  shall  know  at  the  end  of  ten 
years'  daily  association  with  them.  I  took 
pains,  however,  to  make  the  most  of  what 
small  knowledge  I  had,  and  with  considerable 
flourish  I  called  Mr.  Black's  attention  to  our 
lilac  and  gooseberry  bushes,  and  with  con 
scious  pride  pointed  out  the  wild  grape  vine 
in  the  corner  of  the  yard.  I  told  Mr.  Black 
that  it  was  our  intention  to  have  a  kitchen 
garden  back  of  the  house,  and  that  among 
other  things  we  should  cultivate  onions  of 
the  choicest  quality.  I  had  an  object  in 
specifying  the  onions  particularly,  for  I  knew 
that  Mr.  Black  had  a  fondness  (amounting 
almost  to  a  passion)  for  this  succulent  fruit. 
In  all  that  I  pointed  out  and  in  all  that  I 
said  Mr.  Black  appeared  to  take  more  than 
common  interest.  One  thing  that  seemed 
to  please  him  particularly  was  the  discovery 
that  three  of  our  currant  bushes  had  escaped 
the  malice  of  the  workmen,  and  he  promised 
Alice  to  write  to  his  niece  at  Biddeford  for 
her  recipe  for  making  currant  wine,  a  beve- 

113 


THE    HOUSE 

rage  which,  he  assured  us,  would  cheer  but 
not  inebriate. 

Alice  and  I  had  made  it  up  beforehand  that 
we  would  leave  Mr.  Black  and  Uncle  Si  to 
gether  for  a  spell  after  we  had  introduced 
them  to  each  other;  for  we  wanted  our  pa 
tron  to  learn  for  himself  (unembarrassed  by 
our  presence)  just  what  had  been  done  and 
how  it  had  been  done.  I  take  it  for  granted 
that  the  two  enjoyed  their  three  hours'  con 
fabulation,  but  I  more  than  half  suspect  they 
spent  precious  little  of  that  time  in  a  discus 
sion  of  our  affairs.  Mr.  Black  told  me  after- 
terward  that  he  had  ascertained  that  Uncle 
Si  (or  Silas,  as  he  called  him)  was,  as  he 
had  surmised,  a  son  of  Elnathan  Plum  of 
Aroostook. 

"Silas  looks  more  like  his  mother's  side 
of  the  family,"  said  Mr.  Black.  "  The  East 
mans,  as  I  remember  them,  were  tall  and 
spare,  with  blue  eyes  and  straight  noses. 
We  have  an  Eastman  in  Cincinnati  who 
looks  enough  like  Silas  to  be  his  brother,  al 
though  he  belongs  to  the  Ebenezer  Eastman 
branch  of  the  family,  who  located  in  West- 
boro,  Mass.,  in  1765.  Tooker  Eastman,  the 
"4 


I   MAKE   A   STAND   FOR  MY   RIGHTS 

Cincinnati  representative  of  the  family,  is 
pastor  of  the  First  Church ;  he  married  Sukey, 
the  widow  of  Amos  Sears,  who  (that  is  to 
say,  Amos)  was  a  son  of  Calvin  Sears,  who 
was  postmaster  at  Biddeford  while  I  was  a 
young  man  in  that  town." 

From  this  and  other  similar  morsels  of  in 
formation  which  Mr.  Black  let  fall  in  my 
hearing  I  gathered  that  Mr.  Black's  talk  with 
Uncle  Si  had  been  rather  of  a  historical  and 
reminiscent  than  of  a  business  character. 
But  this  mattered  not  to  me;  it  was  clear 
that  Mr.  Black  approved  of  our  purchase 
and  of  the  improvements  we  contemplated, 
and  that  was  enough  to  insure  our  entire 
satisfaction. 

When  I  came  down  from  my  study  that 
evening  I  found  Mr.  Black  and  Alice  sitting 
in  the  parlor,  looking  mysteriously  solemn. 

"  I  have  been  advising  your  wife  to  make 
a  will, "said  Mr.  Black. 

"Why,  Alice  dear,  are  you  ill  ?  "  I  asked, 
in  genuine  alarm. 

Alice  laughingly  answered  that  she  had 
never  before  felt  heartier  or  in  finer  spirits. 

"Then   why  make   a   will?"    I   asked. 


THE   HOUSE 

"Who  ever  heard  of  a  person's  making  a 
will  unless  he  was  sick?" 

"You  are  laboring  under  a  delusion  too 
common  to  humanity,"  said  Mr.  Black.  "  In 
the  midst  of  life  we  are  in  death.  It  is 
during  health  and  while  we  are  in  full  pos 
session  of  our  physical  and  mental  faculties 
that  we  should  provide  against  that  penalty 
which  we  all  alike  as  debtors  are  sooner  or 
later  to  pay  to  nature.  Your  wife  has  re 
cently  become  possessed  by  purchase  of 
property  that  may  eventually  be  of  large 
value.  It  seems  proper  that  she  should  draw 
a  will  indicating  her  desires  as  to  the  disposal 
of  this  property  in  the  event  of  her  demise." 

"  But  what,"  I  cried  with  honest  feeling, 
"  what  would  be  lands  or  gold  without  my 
Alice  ?" 

"Calm  your  agitation,  Reuben  dear,"  said 
Alice.  "The  suggestion  which  Mr.  Black 
has  made  does  not  involve  you  to  the  extent 
of  making  you  an  heir." 

"No,"  said  Mr.  Black,  "it  is  proper  that 
you  should  have  a  life  estate  in  the  property, 
but  the  property  itself  should  ultimately  go 
to  the  children." 

116 


I   MAKE   A   STAND   FOR  MY   RIGHTS 

"Still,"  said  Alice,  thoughtfully,  "if  Reu 
ben  were  to  survive  me  it  would  be  just  like 
him  to  marry  again,  and  I  believe  I  should 
just  rise  up  in  my  grave  if  I  thought  another 
woman  was  living  on  the  premises  which  I 
myself  had  earned." 

"Oh,  but  Alice,  that  is  very  unfair!"  I 
expostulated.  "  It  is  /  who  am  earning  the 
money  —  or,  at  least,  it  is  I  who  expect  to 
earn  the  money  wherewith  to  repay  our  dear 
friend,  Mr.  Black,  the  sums  he  has  advanced 
and  may  advance  for  our  property!  " 

"  There !  I  suspected  it  all  the  time,"  cried 
Alice,  indignantly.  "You  are  already  claim 
ing  the  property  —  you  are  already  prepar 
ing  for  my  death  —  I  daresay  you  have  your 
eyes  already  on  the  woman  who  is  to  step 
into  my  place  when  I  am  gone !  But  I  won't 
die  —  no,  I  just  won't !  But  I  '11  make  a  will 
and  I  '11  give  everything  to  the  children,  and 
you  sha'  n't  have  a  thing  when  I  do  die  — 
not  a  thing,  not  even  a  life  estate  —  so 
there!  " 

Mr.  Black  and  1  were  trying  to  soothe  the 
^lear  creature,  when  there  came  a  knock  at 
the  front  door.     Alice  popped  up  and  made 
117 


THE   HOUSE 

her  escape  into  the  dining-room.  The  front 
door  opened  and  the  ruddy,  smiling  face  of 
neighbor  Denslow  appeared. 

"  Pardon  my  informality,"  said  Mr.  Dens- 
low,  cheerily;  "can  I  come  in?" 

"By  all  means,"  I  cried.  "You  are  in 
good  season  to  meet  my  old  and  valued 
friend,  Mr.  Black." 

Mr.  Denslow  greeted  Mr.  Black  effusively. 
All  my  neighbors  had  heard  me  speak  of 
my  generous  patron,  and  they  all  took  a 
really  noble  neighborly  pride  in  promoting 
my  interests  with  him.  Mr.  Denslow  began 
at  once  to  dilate  in  eloquent  terms  upon  the 
bargain  Alice  and  I  had  secured  in  the  old 
Schmittheimer  place. 

"And,  by  the  way,"  said  Mr.  Denslow, 
turning  to  me,  "the  mention  of  your  bar 
gain  reminds  me  of  the  object  of  my  call. 
August  Schmittheimer,  a  son  of  the  widow, 
came  to  my  office  to-day  to  tell  me  that  he 
is  prepared  to  let  you  have. the  thirty-three 
feet  in  the  rear  of  your  lot  at  a  merely  nomi 
nal  price  —  say  two  hundred  dollars. 

I  had  cast  envious  eyes  upon  this  particu 
lar  strip  of  ground  several  times.  Alice  had 

118 


I   MAKE   A   STAND   FOR  MY   RIGHTS 

remarked  that  it  would  afford  an  ideal  spot 
upon  which  to  hang  out  the  washing  on 
Monday  mornings;  at  other  times  it  would 
serve  as  a  convenient  playground  for  Jose 
phine  and  little  Erasmus.  It  really  seemed 
like  a  special  Providence  that  what  we  had 
been  wishing  for  should  unexpectedly  be 
thrust  within  our  very  grasp. 

"I  think  that  we  should  have  that  extra 
strip  by  all  means,"  said  I ;  and  then  I  added, 
by  way  of  demonstrating  the  wisdom  of  my 
opinion  to  Mr.  Black:  "We  shall  thus  be 
enabled  to  enlarge  our  onion  bed  to  preten 
tious  proportions." 

This  argument  must  have  convinced  Mr. 
Black,  for  he  remarked  at  once  that  he  recog 
nized  the  wisdom  of  acquiring  the  extra 
piece  of  land  at  the  bargain  price  suggested. 

"  If  it  pleases  you,  then,"  said  Mr.  Dens- 
low,  "I  will  attend  the  first  thing  in  the 
morning  to  having  the  investigation  into  the 
title  begun,  and  I  suppose  that  within  the 
next  three  days  the  deal  can  be  consum 
mated  and  the  property  duly  transferred  to 
Mrs.  Baker." 

Too  often  I  do  not  think  of  the  bright  and 
119 


THE   HOUSE 

felicitous  thing  to  say  or  do  until  it  is  too 
late.  On  this  occasion,  however,  a  really 
shrewd  and  happy  thought  occurred  to  me. 
The  somewhat  malicious  purpose  it  contem 
plated  was  justified,  I  claim,  by  the  context 
(so  to  speak)  of  events. 

"Neighbor  Denslow,"  said  I,  confiden 
tially,  "when  it  comes  to  the  transfer  of 
that  property  please  be  so  kind  as  to  have 
the  warranty  deed  made  to  me." 

Mr.  Denslow  looked  so  surprised,  and  so 
did  Mr.  Black,  that  I  deemed  an  explanation 
necessary. 


XII 
I   AM   DECEIVED   IN   MR.    WAX 

I  WENT  on  to  say  that  it  seemed  to  me  to 
be  unwise  to  invest  too  much  power  in 
Alice's  hands ;  that  /  had  certain  rights  which 
should  be  protected,  and  that  if  I  was  not  to 
be  assured  a  life  estate  in  Alice's  property  I 
ought  to  have  at  least  thirty-three  feet  to 
which  I  could,  in  an  emergency,  retire  to 
spend  the  evening  of  my  existence  in  peace 
and  security. 

"  Possessed  of  that  thirty-three  feet,"  said 
I,  "  I  make  no  question  that  I  shall  soon  be 
able  to  bring  Alice  to  terms.  Give  me  the 
power  to  stand  on  my  own  patch  of  ground 
and  defy  Alice  every  Monday  morning  when 
the  weekly  wash  is  ready  to  be  hung  out, 
and  I  will  cheerfully  risk  the  future." 

Mr.  Denslow  and  Mr.  Black  are  sensible 
and  loyal  men ;  they  recognized  the  propriety 


THE   HOUSE 

of  standing  by  me  in  this  emergency,  and  it 
was  agreed  that  the  extra  piece  of  ground 
should  be  conveyed  to  me. 

That  night  I  dreamed  that  Alice  had  been 
called  to  her  heavenly  reward  and  that  I  had 
been  turned  out  of  doors  by  our  heartless 
children.  I  was  an  aged  and  tottering  man. 
The  wind  blew  lustily  and  a  storm  was  rag 
ing.  I  drew  my  threadbare  coat  closer  about 
me,  for  I  was  shivering  with  the  cold. 

"Alas,"  I  cried  (in  my  dream),  "  whither 
shall  1  turn  ?  Is  there  no  spot  on  earth  where 
I  can  die  in  peace  ?" 

Then,  O  joy!  it  occurred  to  me  (in  my 
dream)  that  I  owned  the  thirty-three  feet 
back   of  the  dear  old  home.     Two  years' 
taxes  were  due  on  it,  but  it  was  still  mine  — 
all  mine! 

"  The  snow  is  deep  and  clean  and  hospi 
table  there,"  I  cried  (still  in  my  dream),  "and 
it  is  all  mine  own!  To  that  snowbank  will 
I  make  my  way,  and  there  will  I  lie  down 
to  sleep  my  last  sleep." 

But  just  then  I  awoke  to  discover  that  it 
was  only  a  dream.  Had  I  been  of  a  super 
stitious  nature  I  might  have  read  in  this 


I   AM   DECEIVED   IN   MR.  WAX 

dream  divers  premonitions  and  strange  sig 
nificances.  As  it  was,  it  merely  confirmed 
me  in  my  belief  that  I  had  done  wisely  in  se 
curing  that  thirty-three-foot  strip. 

Mr.  Black  went  back  home  next  day,  and 
nothing  more  was  said  for  the  nonce  about 
a  "  will"  or  a  "life  estate,"  or  any  matter 
thereunto  appertaining,  and  disagreeable  to 
Alice  and  to  me  alike.  The  cold  weather 
having  melted  away  into  sunshine  and 
warmth,  I  once  more  began  to  be  deeply  in 
terested  in  horticulture  and  floriculture, 
and  this,  too,  in  spite  of  the  ineffaceable 
scars  which  the  spade-wielding  vandals  had 
left  in  the  large  front  yard  in  the  alleged  in 
terest  of  the  sewer,  water,  and  gas-pipes. 

This  enthusiasm  of  mine  in  behalf  of  mat 
ters  of  which  I  knew  absolutely  nothing  was 
retired  by  my  respected  neighbor,  Fadda 
Pierce,  who  is  so  learned  in  all  affairs  involv 
ing  flowers  and  shrubbery  that  I  actually  be 
lieve  that  what  he  does  n't  know  about  them 
is  n't  worth  knowing.  Fadda's  cottage  is 
covered  with  every  variety  of  dainty  and 
luxurious  vine,  and  in  his  yard  bloom  all 
kinds  of  rare  and  beautiful  flowers.  He  is 
123 


THE   HOUSE 

so  famed  for  his  fondness  for  and  luck  with 
flowers  that  I  felt  grateful  to  the  dear  old 
gentleman  when  he  visited  me  with  a  view 
to  advising  me  as  to  the  kind  of  flowers  I 
ought  to  plant  in  my  lawn  and  around  the 
house. 

It  was  then  that  I  learned  of  the  existence 
of  shrubs,  vines,  and  flowers  of  which  I  had 
never  before  heard.  It  is  indeed  amazing 
that  an  ordinarily  intelligent  man  can  reach 
the  age  of  forty-five  years  without  being  able 
to  profess  truthfully  a  more  or  less  intimate 
acquaintance  with  hydrangeas,  fuchsias, 
taraxacums,  syringas,  sisymbriums,  gilli- 
flowers,  kentaphyllons,  maydenheer,  chrys 
anthemums,  orchids,  geraniums,  lichens, 
laburnums,  jasmines,  heliotropes,  gentians, 
eucalyptuses,  crocuses,  carnations,  dahlias, 
cactuses,  billybuttons,  anemones,  anthropo- 
morphons,  amaranths,  etc.  etc.  Fadda 
Pierce  did  not  chide  me  for  my  heathenish 
ignorance;  he  seemed  to  take  it  for  granted 
that  I  had  been  too  busy  acquiring  know 
ledge  in  other  lines  to  have  time  to  devote 
to  research  in  botany.  He  was  much  more 
considerate  than  neighbor  Roth  was  when 


I   AM   DECEIVED   IN   MR.  WAX 

he  pulled  up  his  team  in  front  of  my  house 
one  day  and  asked  me  how  far  it  was  to 
Glencoe.  I  answered  that  I  did  not  know; 
whereupon  he  shrugged  his  shoulders  and 
muttered:  "I  thought  as  much,  by  gosh! 
You  can  tell  how  fur  't  is  to  the  sun,  the 
moon,  an'  the  stars,  but  you  can't  tell  how 
fur  't  is  to  Glencoe!  " 

Fadda  Pierce  advised  me  to  set  out  about 
two  dozen  cobies  (I  think  he  called  them) 
around  our  new  colonial  front  porch,  and 
then  he  kindly  designated  certain  spots  in 
the  yard  where  beds  ought  to  be  constructed 
for  certain  flowers,  the  names  of  which  he 
wrote  down  on  a  slip  of  paper.  Some  of 
these  beds  were  to  be  circular,  some  square, 
and  some  oblong.  Fadda  told  me  that  I 
would  require  at  least  three  loads  of  black 
dirt,  and  he  gave  me  the  address  of  a  person 
who  dealt  in  this  precious  commodity  at 
one  dollar  and  a  half  a  load.  I  called  upon 
this  person  at  once  and  ordered  the  three 
loads  of  black  dirt  to  be  delivered  immedi 
ately.  I  then  bethought  myself  that  I  required 
an  outfit  of  garden  tools;  so  I  made  my  way 
to  the  nearest  hardware  shop  and  purchased 
125 


THE   HOUSE 

a  spade,  a  hoe,  a  rake,  a  wheelbarrow,  a  wa 
tering  can,  a  trowel,  and  a  pruning-knife. 
I  trundled  the  barrow  home,  with  the  other 
purchases  in  it. 

The  day  was  exceedingly  warm,  and  my 
appearance  in  this  new  role  excited  the  de 
rision  of  my  neighbors;  but  I  felt  rather  flat 
tered  to  be  called  Farmer  Baker,  and  I  was 
glad  to  give  the  Baylors,  the  Edwardses,  the 
Dollers,  the  Tiltmans,  the  Rushes,  the  Sis- 
sons,  and  the  rest  to  understand  that  I  by 
no  means  disdained  to  condescend  to  the 
humble  plane  of  an  agriculturist.  Now  that 
I  come  to  think  of  it,  I  remember  to  have 
read  somewhere  that  Galileo  took  his  recre 
ation  at  hoeing  and  grubbing  in  the  vineyard 
adjoining  his  observatory. 

As  I  trundled  the  barrow  up  the  winding 
road  of  the  Schmittheimer  place  I  became 
aware  that  a  man  was  following  me.  So  I 
stopped  and  waited  for  him  to  overtake  me. 
His  appearance  indicated  poverty  and  all  its 
attendant  miseries. 

"Good  sir,"  said  the  stranger,  "pardon 
me  for  this  intrusion,  but  misfortunes  of  a 
most  grievous  character  compel  me  to  thrust 
126 


I   AM   DECEIVED   IN   MR.  WAX 

myself  upon  your  mercy.  You  behold  in 
me,  sir,  one  of  the  most  hapless  of  creatures, 
one  whom  adversity  has  buffeted  with  cruel 
pertinacity,  and  finally  driven  out  to  become 
a  homeless  and  friendless  wanderer  upon  the 
face  of  the  earth.  My  name,  sir,  is  Percival 
Wax,  born  and  reared  under  the  auspices 
of  riches,  but  now  forced  by  the  reverses  of 
remorseless  fate  to  importune  you  for  the 
wherewithal  to  procure  food  and  lodging." 

"Mr.  Wax,"  said  I,  "your  appearance  by 
no  means  belies  your  words.  Your  raiment 
is  torn  and  soiled;  your  shoes  are  not  mates, 
and  your  hat  was  evidently  made  for  a  larger 
head  than  yours.  I  also  read  in  your  dim 
eyes,  your  unkempt  beard,  and  your  di 
shevelled  hair  corroboration  of  your  claims  to 
intimacy  with  adversity.  While  I  sympa 
thize  with  you  in  your  misfortune,  I  cannot 
break  one  of  the  imperative  rules  which 
govern  the  conduct  of  my  life;  if  you  are 
willing  to  work  I  will  gladly  provide  you 
with  the  means  of  relief  from  your  embar 
rassment." 

"Work?  Ah,  kind  sir,"  said  Mr.  Wax, 
eagerly,  "it  is  that  which  I  have  vainly 
127 


THE   HOUSE 

sought  for  weeks.  I  have  been  out  of  em 
ployment  ever  since  the  combined  efforts 
of  our  National  Administration  and  of  our  in 
competent  Congress  succeeded  in  so  wing  the 
seeds  of  distrust  in  every  mind,  thereby  stag 
nating  business  and  precipitating  a  financial 
crisis,  from  the  debris  of  which  I  can  never 
hope  to  arise." 

"  Can  you  make  flower-beds,  Mr.  Wax  ?  " 
I  asked. 

"Kind  gentleman,"  he  answered,  "my 
profession  before  financial  ruin  overwhelmed 
me  was  that  of  a  landscape  gardener." 

This  was,  indeed,  a  marvellously  pleasing 
coincidence.  Here  was  the  very  man  I 
needed. 

"Take  up  the  barrow,  Mr.  Wax,  and  fol 
low  me,"  said  I. 

I  showed  him  where  I  wanted  the  flower 
beds  made — the  circular,  the  square,  and 
the  oblong.  He  was  first  to  remove  the 
turf  and  then  fill  in  and  square  up  the  beds 
with  black  dirt.  I  found  him  quick  to  un 
derstand,  and  he  seemed  to  be  anxious  to 
get  to  work. 

"You  can  begin  as  soon  as  you  please," 


I    AM    DECEIVED   IN    MR.  WAX 

said  I.  "Meanwhile  I  shall  go  to  luncheon, 
and  on  my  return  I  shall  bring  you  three  or 
four  mustard  sandwiches  and  some  hard- 
boiled  eggs  to  stay  you  until  you  have  fin 
ished  your  task." 

"Thank  you,  kind  sir,"  said  Mr.  Wax 
with  tears  of  gratitude  in  his  voice. 

I  was  gone  an  hour  or  more.  At  lunch 
eon  I  told  Alice  of  what  I  had  done,  but  she 
did  not  seem  to  share  my  enthusiasm  at 
having  provided  Mr.  Wax  with  an  oppor 
tunity  to  turn  an  honest  penny  or  two.  She 
very  clearly  indicated  to  me  her  distrust  of 
all  tramps,  to  which  class  she  was  sure  Mr. 
Wax  belonged.  Thereupon  I  warned  Alice 
against  the  inhumanity  and  wickedness  of 
insensibility  to  the  sufferings  of  others,  and 
I  was  glad  that  the  children  were  at  the 
table  with  us  to  hear  my  remarks  in  praise 
of  that  chanty  which  has  compassion  for  all 
conditions  of  misery. 

Upon  my  return  to  the  Schmittheimer 
place  I  was  disappointed  to  find  that  no  pro 
gress  had  been  made  with  the  flower-beds. 

"I  wonder  where  Mr.  Wax  is?"  said  I 
to  Uncle  Si. 

129 


THE   HOUSE 

"Do  you  mean  that  -  -  tramp  that  was 
here  about  noon  ?"  asked  Uncle  Si. 

"  He  may  have  been  a  tramp,"  said  I,  pur 
posely  ignoring  Uncle  Si's  profane  epithet 
(for  I  do  not  approve  of  profanity). 

"  He  went  away  shortly  after  you  went," 
said  Uncle  Si.  "I  asked  him  where  he  was 
going  with  the  wheelbarrow  and  the  garden 
tools,  and  he  said  you  had  hired  him  to  take 
them  over  to  your  house  in  Heavenward 
Avenue  for  you." 

"Mr.  Wax  lied  to  you,"  said  I.  "He 
has  stolen  that  barrow  and  those  tools." 

Uncle  Si  consoled  me  by  telling  me  that 
in  all  human  probability  Mr.  Wax  had  sold 
his  stealings  by  this  time  and  was  already 
squandering  his  ill-gotten  gains  in  a  bar 
room.  I  lamented  not  only  the  ingratitude 
and  dishonesty  of  this  man  whom  I  had 
sought  to  befriend,  but  also  the  loss  of  my 
barrow  and  my  garden  tools.  There  was, 
however,  some  consolation  in  the  thought 
that  my  experience  would  serve  me  to  good 
purpose  in  the  future. 

The  three  mustard  sandwiches  and  the 
two  hard-boiled  eggs  which  I  had  brought 
130 


I   AM    DECEIVED    IN    MR.  WAX 

from  home  for  Mr.  Wax's  luncheon  I  now 
took  down  into  the  cellar  and  fed  to  Alice, 
the  mother  cat.  Had  I  been  a  superstitious 
person  I  should  not  have  performed  this  kind 
deed  by  one  whom  many  might  have  re 
garded  as  the  prognostic  (if  not  actually  the 
cause)  of  the  many  evils  which  had  befallen 
me  of  late.  As  it  was,  I  took  a  kind  of 
spiteful  satisfaction  in  observing  that  the 
gaunt  beast  did  not  exhibit  that  exuberant 
fondness  for  mustard  sandwiches  and  hard- 
boiled  eggs  which  might  be  confidently 
looked  for  in  the  mother  of  six  healthy  and 
always  hungry  kittens. 


XIII 
EDITOR    WOODSIT    A  TRUE    FRIEND 

ONE  morning  —  it  was  a  Thursday  morn 
ing,  as  I  distinctly  recall  —  I  was  much 
surprised  to  find  that  work  upon  the  house 
had  practically  been  suspended.  I  was  sure 
there  could  not  have  been  a  strike,  for  I  told 
the  workmen  at  the  beginning  that  when 
ever  they  felt  as  if  they  were  not  getting 
enough  pay  they  must  come  to  me  about  it 
and  I  would  raise  their  wages.  They  had 
already  been  to  me  three  times  and  received 
an  increase  of  pay  each  time.  So  I  felt  mod 
erately  secure  against  a  strike.  Uncle  Si  ex 
plained  the  situation  briefly. 

"The  plasterers  were  to  have  begun  to 
day,"  said  he,  "but  there  is  no  water  for 
them;  so  I  had  to  send  them  away." 

"No  water?  "  I  cried.  "  No  water  ?  Then 
132 


EDITOR  WOODSIT  A   TRUE   FRIEND 

tell  me,  I  pray,  why  this  noble  front  yard  of 
ours  has  been  converted  into  a  dreary  waste 
by  those  vandals  with  their  spades  and 
picks  ?  Why  is  that  deep,  wide,  ragged 
ditch  still  yawning  in  our  faces  and  threaten 
ing  the  death  of  every  tree  at  whose  roots  it 
crawls  ?  And  why  did  I  pay  Sibley  the  plum 
ber  forty-five  dollars  last  Saturday  night,  if  it 
were  not  for  the  laying  of  water  pipe  in  that 
hideous  ditch  ?  No  water,  indeed!" 

"It  is  nobody's  fault  but  the  city's,"  ex 
plained  Uncle  Si.  "The  pipe  is  all  laid  and 
nothing  remains  but  for  the  city  to  make  the 
connection  with  the  main  in  the  street.  You 
see  we  can't  tap  the  main ;  that  is  for  the  city 
to  do." 

"Then  why  does  n't  the  city  do  it?"  I 
asked. 

Uncle  Si  shrugged  his  shoulders. 

"The  city  ought  to  do  a  good  many  things 
it  does  n't  do,"  said  he.  "They  promised 
to  have  that  main  tapped  at  eight  o'clock 
last  Monday  morning,  and  here  it  is  ten 
o'clock  Thursday  morning  and  not  a  drop 
of  water  on  the  place !  There  is  n't  any  use 
kicking,  for  those  politicians  down  at  the  City 


THE   HOUSE 

Hall  do  things  their  own  way  and  take  their 
own  time  doing  'em !  " 

I  saw  that  argument  with  Uncle  Si  meant 
simply  a  waste  of  time,  so  I  determined  to 
go  down-town  to  the  City  Hall  myself  to  see 
whether  no  eloquence  or  indignation  of  my 
own  would  move  the  derelict  officers  to  a 
performance  of  their  duty.  On  the  train  I 
fell  in  with  Mr.  Leet,  who  was  on  his  way 
to  his  place  of  business.  He  had  not  seen 
me  since  our  purchase  of  the  Schmittheimer 
property,  and  he  took  this  first  occasion  to 
congratulate  me  upon  what  he  called  one  of 
those  bargains  which  occur  at  rare  intervals 
in  a  century.  Finding  me  in  a  felicitous 
mood,  Mr.  Leet  went  on  to  say  that  the 
property  we  already  possessed  would  be  en- 
hancedin  valuean  hundred-fold  and  wouldbe 
rendered  marketable  instantaneously  by  the 
further  acquisition  of  the  twenty-five  feet 
adjoining  it  upon  the  north. 

"Yes,"  said  I,  "Mr.  Doller  spoke  to  me 
about  that  twenty-five-foot  strip  some  time 
ago." 

"  Aha,  so  Doller  has  been  approaching 
you,  has  he  ?  "  said  Mr.  Leet,  softly.  "Well, 

'34 


EDITOR  WOODSIT   A   TRUE   FRIEND 

Doller  is  very  cunning  —  very  cunning,  in 
deed.  But  he  has  nothing  to  do  with  the 
north  strip.  He  owns  the  twenty-five  feet 
to  the  south  of  your  property,  the  piece  front 
ing  on  Sandpile  Terrace,  and  a  very  malari 
ous  location  \i  is,  too.  I  pledge  you  my 
word,  Mr.  Baker,  I  have  seen  mosquitos 
hovering  over  that  Doller  strip  at  night  as 
big  as  bats!" 

I  could  neither  deny  nor  affirm  the  truth 
of  this  assertion. 

"My  twenty-five-foot  strip  to  the  north," 
continued  Mr.  Leet,  "is  high  and  dry  and 
sightly.  The  view  it  commands  of  the  Water 
Works  is  indescribably  fine.  You  are  surely 
practical  enough  to  see,  Mr.  Baker,  that  by 
purchasing  that  strip  and  throwing  it  in 
with  yours  you  will  have  a  subdivision  front 
ing  upon  Dandelion  Place  which  would  offer 
unparalleled  inducements  to  the  seeker  after 
suburban  property.  What  is  more,"  added 
Mr.  Leet  in  a  confidential  whisper,  "  it  would 
not  surprise  me  a  bit  if  there  were  coal  de 
posits  in  the  twenty-five-foot  strip  of  mine. 
I  have  very  distinct  suspicions,  but  the  para 
mount  importance  of  my  other  business  in- 

'35 


THE   HOUSE 

terests  has  prevented  me  from  making  the 
investigation  which  might  enrich  me  beyond 
all  calculation.  Now,  you  have  time,  and  if 
you  feel  disposed  to  take  that  property  I  '11 
let  you  have  it  at  the  merely  nominal  price 
of  one  hundred  and  twenty-five  dollars  a 
front  foot." 

This  seemed  reasonable  enough,  particu 
larly  when  I  considered  the  chances  of  there 
being  a  coal  mine  on  the  property.  How 
ever,  as  I  had  told  Mr.  Doller,  so  1  now  told 
Mr.  Leet:  I  would  first  have  to  speak  to  Alice 
about  the  matter.  Then  I  confided  to  Mr. 
Leet  the  object  of  my  mission  down-town. 
Presumably  in  the  hope  of  insuring  and 
clinching  my  devotion  to  his  interests  as  re 
presented  in  his  twenty-five-foot  lot,  Mr. 
Leet  manifested  solicitude  in  my  behalf  and 
inveighed  bitterly  against  the  shiftlessness  of 
the  municipal  administration  as  illustrated  in 
the  neglect  to  tap  the  water  main  for  the 
benefit  of  my  property. 

"The  most  aggravatingly  exasperating 
part  of  it  all,"  says  I,  "is  that  I  am  a  Repub 
lican  and  have  been  one  for  thirty  years. 
Moreover,  I  am  a  reformer,  having  helped 
.36 


EDITOR  WOODSIT   A  TRUE   FRIEND 

to  organize  the  Civic  Federation  and  having 
served  for  somewhat  more  than  a  year  as 
chairman  of  the  Special  Committee  on  Ash 
Barrels  and  Garbage  Boxes  in  the  third  pre 
cinct  of  the  Twenty-fifth  Ward.  I  made 
several  addresses  during  the  last  campaign 
in  advocacy  of  civil-service  reform  and  all 
those  other  reforms  which  are  invariably  ad 
vocated  and  promised  by  the  party  which  is 
not  in  power  but  wants  to  be.  In  the  thirty 
years  that  I  have  been  a  Republican  I  have 
never  asked  a  favor  of  my  party,  and  it  does 
seem  just  a  bit  ungrateful  that  the  Republi 
can  reform  municipal  administration  which  I 
helped  to  elect  should  seize  with  apparent 
avidity  upon  its  first  opportunity  to  snub  me 
by  refusing  to  tap  the  public  water  main  in 
front  of  my  property." 

"You  should  see  Mayor  Speedy  about 
it,"  suggested  Mr.  Leet. 

"  I  thought  of  doing  so,"  said  I,  "  but  as 
I  had  already  determined  to  approach  him 
with  reference  to  changing  the  name  of 
Mush  Street  to  Clarendon  Avenue,  I  conclud 
ed  that  I  ought  not  to  call  upon  him  with  this 
complaint  about  the  water.  I  particularly 

'37 


THE   HOUSE 

wish  to  avoid  all  appearance  of  hampering 
the  administration  with  importunities  and 
complaints  of  a  personal  nature." 

"A  man  of  your  reputation,"  said  Mr. 
Leet,  "should  certainly  have  the  strongest 
kind  of  a  pull  at  the  City  Hall. " 

"  You  may  not  believe  it,"  said  I,  "  but  I 
do  not  know  a  man  in  the  City  Hall.  I  visit 
the  place  but  twice  a  year,  and  my  dealings 
on  those  occasions  are  restricted  to  a  haugh 
ty  young  foreigner,  who  graciously  permits 
me  to  pay  him  the  amount  of  my  water  tax 
and  then  waves  me  to  another  foreigner 
who  in  turn  waves  me  to  the  door.  No,  I 
have  no  influence  at  the  City  Hall,  and  as  I 
was  telling  Editor  Woodsit  last  week  —  " 

"  Do  you  know  Editor  Woodsit  ?  "  asked 
Mr.  Leet,  interrupting  me. 

"Indeed  I  do,"  said  I;  "he  has  promised 
to  print  my  essay  on  the  nebular  hypothesis 
of  Professor  Lecouvrier  as  soon  as  his  con 
tract  with  the  monometallist  college  profes 
sors  expires.  He  is  one  of  the  most  intimate 
friends  I  have." 

"  Then  he  is  just  the  one  to  fix  that  City 
Hall     matter    for    you,"    said    Mr.     Leet. 
,38 


EDITOR  WOODSIT   A   TRUE   FRIEND 

"  Woodsit  is  the  most  potent  political  in 
fluence  in  the  midst  of  us." 

It  was  hard  to  understand  why  a  potent 
political  influence  should  be  invoked  in  or 
der  to  secure  the  tapping  of  a  water  main. 
However,  I  determined  to  enlist  the  cooper 
ation  of  my  journalistic  friend.  Twenty  or 
thirty  people  were  waiting  outside  Editor 
Woodsit's  door.  This  number  included 
noted  clergymen,  poets,  authors,  politicians, 
jurists,  merchants,  etc.,  etc.  By  some  means 
or  another,  Editor  Woodsit  learned  I  was 
among  the  waiting  throng,  and  he  sent  for 
me  to  come  in.  His  private  office  is  spa 
cious  and  elegantly  furnished.  The  walls 
are  hung  with  splendid  tapestries  and  costly 
oil  paintings.  Over  Editor  Woodsit's  desk 
appears  the  legend,  "The  Pen  Is  Mightier 
Than  the  Sword."  Near  the  desk  are  rows 
of  nickel-plated  tubes,  about  six  feet  in 
height  and  two  feet  in  diameter;  the  lids  or 
covers  to  these  tubes  are  opened  by  means 
of  a  keyboard  in  front  of  the  editor.  The 
tubes  themselves  contain  the  heads  of  the  de 
partments  of  the  State  and  municipal  govern 
ments. 

'39 


THE   HOUSE 

"What  you  tell  me  pains  me  deeply," 
said  Mr.  Woodsit,  after  he  heard  my  story. 
"But  there  is  no  need  of  going  to  the  City 
Hall  about  it;  the  matter  can  be  attended  to 
here.  I  never  trifle  with  underlings  when 
the  responsible  heads  are  at  hand." 

Editor  Woodsit  reached  over  and  touched 
a  button  on  the  keyboard;  it  was  button  No. 
9.  Immediately  the  lid  or  top  of  tube  No.  9 
flew  open  and  the  head  and  face  of  a  man 
appeared ;  it  was  the  head  and  face  of  Com 
missioner  Dent. 

"  This  friend  of  mine,"  said  Editor  Wood- 
sit,  sternly,  "complains  that  he  can't  get 
your  department  to  connect  the  pipe  with 
the  water  main  in  front  of  his  property.  My 
friend  is  a  Republican,  Dent,  and  he  is  a  re 
former.  What  excuse  have  you  to  offer  for 
neglecting  him  ?" 

Commissioner  Dent  turned  very  pale  and 
he  vainly  tried  to  stammer  an  apology. 

"This  is  a  pretty  kind  of  reform! "  cried 
Editor  Woodsit,  savagely.  "If  a  similar 
complaint  occurs  again  I  shall  have  your  case 
investigated  by  my  legal  and  spiritual  coun 
sellor,  Joshua  Selah,  and  may  be  have  you 
140 


EDITOR  WOODSIT  A   TRUE   FRIEND 

impeached.  Now  see  that  Mr.  Baker's 
reasonable  demands  are  complied  with  at 
once. 

With  these  words  Editor  Woodsit  touched 
another  button,  and  the  head  and  face  of 
Commissioner  Dent  disappeared  and  the  top 
closed  down  over  the  box.  It  was  all  the 
work  of  two  or  three  minutes,  and  it  was 
certainly  the  most  marvellous  experience  I 
had  ever  met  with.  My  wonderment  in 
creased  when  I  learned  an  hour  later,  upon 
my  arrival  home,  that  less  than  fifteen 
minutes  (as  I  figure  it)  after  I  left  Editor 
Woodsit's  office  an  employe  of  Commis 
sioner  Dent's  department  came  galloping  up 
to  my  place  on  a  foam-flecked  steed,  and, 
vaulting  from  his  saddle,  unswung  his  melt 
ing-furnace,  soldering-irons,  and  other  tools, 
and,  quicker  than  you  could  say  a  pater 
noster,  tapped  the  water  main  and  made  the 
desired  connection  with  the  pipe  that  fed  my 
premises. 

"I  guess  you  must  have  a  pull  at  the 
City  Hall,"  said  Uncle  Si;  and  then  he  went 
on  to  tell  me  how  people  who  have  no  pull 
have  to  wait  weeks,  sometimes,  before  their 


THE   HOUSE 

just  requirements  are  answered  by  the  mu 
nicipal  authorities.  If  what  Uncle  Si  tells  me 
is  true  I  cannot  be  too  glad  that  I  have  what 
is  even  more  efficacious  than  a  pull  at  the 
City  Hall  —  a  friend  in  Editor  Woodsit. 


142 


XIV 
THE   VICTIM  OF  AN  ORDINANCE. 


A^D  now  that  a  plentiful  supply  of  water 
was  provided,  it  seemed  proper  to 
celebrate  by  giving  the  lawn  (poor  abused 
thing!)  a  deluge  of  the  refreshing  element. 
The  exceeding  ardor  of  the  sun  and  the  ab 
sence  of  rain  had  wrought  havoc  with  the 
grass  and  shrubbery.  The  drought  seemed 
determined  to  finish  the  work  of  destruction 
which  the  workmen,  with  their  picks  and 
spades,  had  begun.  With  a  joyous  heart, 
therefore,  I  applied  myself  to  the  task  of 
rescuing  the  fainting  vegetation.  I  bor 
rowed  Mr.  Tiltman's  hose  because  it  was 
the  best  and  longest  in  the  neighborhood 
and  was  provided  with  a  patent  nozzle 
which  was  so  versatile  that  there  was  ac 
tually  no  detail  in  its  business  which  it  did 


THE   HOUSE 

not  perform  in  a  most  masterly  way.  I 
shall  never  forget  the  feeling  of  exultation 
with  which  I  stood  on  that  expansive  lawn 
and  sprayed  the  parched  grass  and  drooping 
shrubbery.  1  fancied  I  could  see  the  thirsty 
blades  and  leaves  reach  up  to  drink  in  the 
restoring  element.  My  thoughts  while  I  was 
thus  engaged  were  similar,  I  suppose,  to 
those  of  benevolent  men  who  hasten  to  the 
succor  of  their  suffering  fellow-beings.  I 
can  imagine  that  it  was  with  some  such  in 
spiring  feelings  that  relief  was  borne  to  Liv 
ingstone  in  Africa  and  to  Greely  in  the  Arctic 
Circle.  To  the  good  man  it  is  always  a 
pleasure  to  do  an  act  of  magnanimity,  and 
the  fact  that  my  considerate  regard  for  our 
lawn  involved  no  danger  or  privation  did 
not  serve  in  the  least  to  abate  my  satisfac 
tion  in  the  performance  of  my  task. 

While  I  was  thus  engaged  I  observed  a 
stranger  coming  up  the  lawn  toward  me. 
I  bade  him  a  very  good  morning,  but  he 
seemed  disinclined  to  exchange  civilities 
with  me.  He  was  a  low-browed,  roughish- 
looking  fellow,  and  I  conceived  an  imme 
diate  dislike  for  him. 

144 


THE   VICTIM   OF   AN   ORDINANCE 

"You  '11  have  to  give  me  your  name," 
said  he,  very  gruffly. 

"For  what  purpose?"  I  asked,  for  his 
tone  and  manner  nettled  me. 

"I  'm  a  detective,"  said  he,  exhibiting  a 
silver  star  on  his  vest  front,  "and  I  'm  on 
the  trail  of  you  ducks  that  sprinkle  your 
lawns  after  legal  hours.  Oh,  I  'm  onto  your 
racket." 

"Sir,"  said  I,  indignantly,  "I  have  made 
no  racket.  I  am  a  quiet,  law-abiding  citi 
zen,  and  this  is  my  own  lawn  to  do  with  as 
I  please." 

"Come,  now,"said  he,  insolently,  "don't 
give  me  any  funny  business.  You  're  sprink- 
lin'  after  hours  and  I  'm  going  to  report  you 
to  police  headquarters.  There  's  no  use  of 
kickin',  so  you  'd  better  give  me  your  name 
an'  save  trouble." 

"Sir,"  I  cried,  "Reuben  Baker  is  not  a 
name  to  be  ashamed  of,  and  if  you  think 
that  by  any  of  your  underhand  hocus  pocus 
you  can  trespass  on  my  premises  and  pre 
vent  my  caring  for  my  own  property  you 
are  grandly  mistaken." 

"You  '11  sing  a  different  song  to-morrer," 

'45 


THE    HOUSE 

said  the  fellow,  and  I  am  sure  I  heard  him 
chuckling  to  himself  as  he  walked  away. 

Later  in  the  day  I  learned  from  neighbor 
Baylor  that  I  had  indeed  transgressed  the 
law  by  operating  the  lawn  hose  at  ten 
o'clock  in  the  morning.  It  seems  that  there 
is  an  ordinance  imposing  a  fine  upon  all 
who  sprinkle  their  lawns  between  eight 
o'clock  in  the  morning  and  five  o'clock  in 
the  afternoon. 

I  declared  in  very  vigorous  English  that  I 
would  never  submit  to  any  such  outrage, 
and  my  indignation  touched  the  boiling 
point  when,  still  later  in  the  day,  a  police 
man  came  to  my  house  and  handed  me  a 
document  apprising  me  that  I  must  give  a 
good  and  sufficient  bond  for  my  appearance 
the  next  morning  before  his  honor,  Justice 
Fatty,  to  answer  to  the  charge  of  having  ma 
liciously,  etc.,  defied,  disobeyed  and  broken 
the  ordinance,  etc.  I  went  at  once  to  seek 
the  counsel  of  Lawyer  Miles,  for  whose  le 
gal  acumen  and  forensic  eloquence  I  had 
harbored  the  profoundest  veneration  ever 
since  I  had  heard  his  prosecution  of  a  man 
named  Tackleton  for  causing  the  death  of 
146 


THE   VICTIM   OF   AN   ORDINANCE 

neighbor  Baylor's  pet  dog.  I  recall  that 
on  that  occasion  there  was  not  a  dry  eye  in 
the  court  and  that  even  the  defendant  him 
self  wept  copiously;  whereupon  the  presid 
ing  justice,  fearing  that  he  might  be  unduly 
influenced  by  the  emotion  of  the  auditors, 
ordered  the  constable  to  clear  the  room  of 
everybody  not  a  party  to  the  cause.  At  this 
supreme  moment  Lawyer  Miles,  with  stream 
ing  eyes  and  amid  choking  sobs,  cried  out: 
"Mercy,  your  honor;  in  the  name  of  the 
tenderest  and  holiest  of  human  considera 
tions  I  appeal  for  mercy !  Turn  out  the  men- 
folks  if  you  will,  but  spare,  oh,  spare  the 
women  and  children." 

Ever  since  this  memorable  occasion  I  have 
regarded  Lawyer  Miles  as  the  foremost  of 
living  jurists,  and  it  was  the  most  natural 
thing  in  the  world  that  I  should  determine 
to  confide  to  him  any  legal  business  of  mine 
that  might  arise  —  in  which  determination  1 
was  confirmed  by  a  suspicion  that  Lawyer 
Miles  never  charged  his  neighbors  any  fee 
for  his  professional  services. 

I  was  not  a  little  surprised  when,  having 
heard  my  story,  Lawyer  Miles  counselled  me 

'47 


THE   HOUSE 

to  plead  guilty  to  the  charge  and  to  pay  the 
regulation  fine,  which  together  with  the 
costs  (so  called),  amounted  to  seven  dollars 
and  fifty  cents.  It  was  in  vain  that  1  repre 
sented  to  Lawyer  Miles  the  outrage  of  pun 
ishing  a  man  for  seeking  to  beautify  his 
premises,  and  thereby  to  contribute  to  the 
comfort  and  delectation  of  the  public  gener 
ally.  Lawyer  Miles  took  the  narrow  view 
that  the  ordinance  had  been  violated,  and 
that,  therefore,  the  fine  should  be  paid. 
"The  ordinance  may  be  an  unwise  one," 
said  he.  "  In  that  event  we  should  elect  a 
city  council  that  will  repeal  it.  But  so  long 
as  the  law  exists  it  should  be  enforced." 

The  advice  of  Lawyer  Miles,  coupled  with 
the  tears  of  Alice,  finally  prevailed.  Alice 
fancied  that  I  was  in  danger  of  being  com 
mitted  to  prison,  and  she  hysterically  repre 
sented  to  me  the  horror  of  the  ignominy 
which  would  ever  thereafter  attach  to  our 
family  name.  In  one  breath  she  proposed  to 
send  post  haste  for  our  pastor,  the  Rev.  Dr. 
Sunguulus,  in  the  hope  that  by  means  of  his 
spiritual  ministrations  I  might  be  dissuaded 
from  further  defiance  of  the  law ;  in  the  next 
148 


THE   VICTIM   OF   AN   ORDINANCE 

breath  she  conjured  me  by  every  regard  I 
had  for  the  future  of  our  children  —  Galileo, 
Herschel,  Fanny,  Erasmus,  and  Josephine  — 
to  listen  to  the  Voice  of  Reason.  At  the 
mention  of  Josephine's  name  1  weakened, 
for,  as  I  have  already  intimated  to  you,  the 
innocent  babe  has  acquired  a  powerful  hold 
upon  the  tendrils  of  my  heart.  In  an  instant 
my  anger  departed. 

"  It  shall  be  as  you  say,  Alice  :  I  will  pay 
the  fine  and  costs.  But  from  this  moment  I 
consecrate  my  life  to  the  election  of  council- 
men  from  the  Twenty-fifth  Ward  who  will 
repeal  that  odious  ordinance  and  make  it 
legal  for  property-owners  to  sprinkle  their 
lawns  when  and  how  they  please." 

In  looking  back  over  the  short  period  of 
the  history  of  "our  house"  I  find  no  other 
incident  so  disagreeable  as  this  one  which  I 
have  just  narrated.  Even  at  this  remote  date 
I  cannot  refer  to  it  without  feeling  my  gorge 
rise.  By  nature  I  am  peaceful,  and  I  am  ex 
ceeding  slow  to  wrath.  But  anything  that 
savors  of  injustice  exasperates  me  to  the  de 
gree  of  frenzy.  I  am  still  fixed  in  my  deter 
mination  to  secure  the  repeal  of  the  ordinance 
149 


THE   HOUSE 

which  robbed  me  of  seven  dollars  and  fifty 
cents  and  is  jeoparding  the  lives  of  my  lilac 
bushes,  my  peonies,  my  twin  cherry-trees 
(George  and  Martha),  and  my  grass.  I  intend 
to  see  that  the  matter  is  brought  up  at  the 
next  quarterly  meeting  of  the  Buena  Park 
Benevolent  and  Protective  Citizens'  Associa 
tion,  and  you  can  depend  upon  it  that  when 
that  association  speaks  its  tones  are  heard 
around  the  world  and  go  thundering  down 
the  ages. 

This  affair  of  mine  with  the  odious  ordi 
nance  was  duly  reported  in  the  daily  news 
papers  through  the  delectable  medium  of  the 
column  headed  "  Minor  Criminal  Items."  It 
did  not  conduce  to  my  equanimity  to  see 
my  name  catalogued  with  persons  arrested 
for  sneak  thievery,  pocket-picking,  drunk 
enness,  brawling,  and  mayhem.  I  never  be 
fore  suspected  that  my  friends  made  a  prac 
tice  of  perusing  the  criminal  calendar,  but 
after  the  appearance  of  that  disagreeable  item 
in  print  I  began  to  get  letters  from  old  ac 
quaintances  condoling  with  me  and  asking 
whether  they  could  be  of  any  service  to  me 
in  my  trouble.  Some  of  these  letters  must 
150 


THE   VICTIM   OF  AN   ORDINANCE 

have  been  dispatched  in  a  spirit  of  humor, 
but  I  see  nothing  mirthfull  in  the  association 
of  an  honest  man's  name  with  crime,  and 
the  people  who  have  sought  to  poke  fun  at 
me  in  this  unpleasant  affair  need  not  be  at  all 
surprised  if  I  do  not  bow  to  them  the  next 
time  we  meet. 

Another  class  of  people  I  have  no  sym 
pathy  with  are  those  who  do  not  recognize 
in  our  purchase  of  a  home  a  cause  for  gen- 
neral  joy  and  congratulation.  You  may  not 
believe  it,  but  it  is  nevertheless  a  fact  that 
within  the  last  two  months  I  have  met 
people  and  apprised  them  of  our  purchase 
and  they  have  never  so  much  as  expressed 
even  the  least  bit  of  delight.  My  old  friend 
Slashon  Tomsing,  who  makes  considerable 
pretense  to  being  interested  in  the  public 
welfare  —  why,  when  I  met  him  at  the  Civic 
Federation  rooms  not  long  ago  and  began  to 
tell  him  of  our  new  home,  instead  of  being 
swept  away  (as  it  were)  upon  a  tidal  wave 
of  rapture,  he  immediately  changed  the 
theme  of  conversation  and  asked  my  opinion 
of  bimetallism.  I  gave  him  to  understand 
very  distinctly  that  the  public  was  in  very 
'5' 


THE    HOUSE 

poor  business  if  it  suffered  itself  to  become 
interested  in  bimetallism  or  in  any  other  ism 
so  long  as  it  had  an  opportunity  to  discuss 
"our  new  house"  as  a  living,  absorbing,  and 
burning  theme. 

Another  friend,  my  old  and  particularly 
valued  friend,  Professor  Sniff,  curator  of  Ma- 
hon's  Museum  of  Marvels — but  I'll  let  that 
affair  pass;  for  Professor  Sniff  certainly  did 
not  intend  to  wound  my  feelings  by  his  ap 
parent  indifference;  moreover,  he  has  prom 
ised  to  send  me  for  my  private  collection 
all  the  duplicates  that  occur  in  section  E  of 
his  museum,  which  section  is  devoted  ex 
clusively  to  dried  centipedes,  tarantulas,  and 
beetles  and  to  Mexican  lizards  in  bottles  of 
alcohol. 

All  who  have  ever  engaged  in  the  enter 
prise  of  a  new  house  will  agree  with  me 
when  I  say  that  nothing  else  wounds  one 
more  deeply  than  the  indifference  of  the  rest 
of  humanity  to  what  is  nearest  and  dearest 
to  his  heart.  When  I  walk  the  street  nowa 
days  I  actually  pity  the  crowds  of  people  I 
see,  because,  forsooth,  they  know  nothing 
of  the  great  joy  I  have  acquired  in  that 

153 


THE   VICTIM   OF   AN   ORDINANCE 

blessed  house.  Alice  made  me  take  her  to 
hear  a  Mme.  Melba  in  Italian  opera  last 
month  at  the  Auditorium.  As  we  came 
away  Alice  asked :  "  Was  n't  it  grand  ?  " 

"Yes,"  I  answered,  "and  yet  amid  it  all 
I  was  oppressed  by  a  feeling  of  sadness. 
For,  of  all  the  six  thousand  souls  in  that 
splendid  building,  only  you  and  I,  dear 
Alice,  were  aware  that  the  old  Schmitthei- 
mer  place  had  passed  into  the  possession  of 
the  two  happiest  people  on  earth." 


153 


XV 
THE   QUESTION   OF   INSURANCE 

MY  neighbor,  Mr.  Teddy,  called  on  me 
one  morning  as  I  sat  under  a  willow 
tree  watching  the  tinner  at  work  on  the  roof 
and  wondering  whether  it  was  really  as  nice 
and  warm  on  a  tin  roof  under  an  unobscured 
sun  as  it  seemed  to  be. 

"Do  you  know,"  said  Mr.  Teddy,  cordi 
ally,  "this  is  the  first  time  I  have  ever 
visited  this  place.  Frequently  in  my  walks 
of  an  evening  I  have  passed  here,  and,  in 
common  with  others,  I  have  admired  the 
graceful  slope  of  the  lawn,  the  stately  dignity 
of  the  trees,  and  the  bright  colors  of  the 
flowers  that  here  and  there  dot  the  verdant 
expanse.  Surely  in  the  possession  of  this 
charming  estate  you  are,  my  dear  friend,  one 
of  the  most  fortunate  of  mortals.  Your  life 
amid  these  picturesque  environments,  in  this 

'54 


THE   QUESTION   OF   INSURANCE 

sequestered  spot,  far  from  the  din  and  tur 
moil  of  the  urban  throng,  will  be  in  every 
respect  ideal  —  a  dream,  sir,  a  poetic  dream." 

You  will  perhaps  understand  by  this  time 
that  I  regard  Mr.  Teddy  as  an  exceptionally 
worthy  and  pleasant  gentleman. 

"  And,"  continued  Mr.  Teddy,  "  it  would 
be  cruel  if  your  studious  researches  in  this 
academic  grove  were  by  any  chance  to  be 
interrupted  by  any  harassing  business  care. 
The  serpent  of  worldly  solicitude,  sir,  should 
never  be  suffered  to  enter  this  veritable 
Eden." 

"You  are  right,  my  good  friend  and 
neighbor,"  said  I,  "but  how  can  I  prevent 
the  intrusion  of  care,  since,  alas!  I  am  merely 
human  ?" 

"It  behooves  you  to  make  provision 
against  every  contingency,"  answered  Mr. 
Teddy.  "  Do  I  understand  that  you  carry 
insurance  upon  this  residence?" 

"  Insurance  ?  Why,  no,  I  think  not,"  said 
I.  "Insurance  is  a  matter  I  never  thought 
of." 

"  Is  it  possible,"  cried  Mr.  Teddy,  "  that 
you  have  neglected  to  provide  against  that 

'55 


THE   HOUSE 

serious  loss  which  would  accrue  if  a  careless 
workman  were  to  drop  a  lighted  match  in 
yonder  pile  of  shavings  ?  Think  for  one  mo 
ment,  sir,  of  the  ruin  that  would  confront 
you  if  this  magnificent  but  uninsured  archi 
tectural  pile  were  to  be  swept  away  by  the 
pale  hand  of  the  remorseless  fire  fiend !  1  beg 
of  you  to  provide  yourself  with  the  means  of 
redress  ere  you  are  overtaken  by  the  bitter 
pill  of  adversity.  Mr.  Baker,  your  beautiful 
home  should  be  insured  at  once!  " 

It  then  occurred  to  me  for  the  first  time 
that  neighbor  Teddy  was  the  general  west 
ern  agent  of  the  Royal  Liliuokalani  Fire, 
Marine  and  Accident  Insurance  Company  of 
Hawaii.  I  have  often  wondered  why  a  man 
when  he  embarks  in  the  insurance  business 
invariably  attaches  himself  to  a  concern  lo 
cated  in  some  far  distant  clime,  and  now  that 
I  am  thinking  of  it,  I  will  add  that  I  have 
often  wondered  why  the  efficacy  of  patent 
medicines  is  so  often  testified  to  by  the  affi 
davits  of  people  with  strange  names  who 
reside  in  queer  streets  in  obscure  hamlets 
hundreds  of  miles  distant  from  the  place  of 
publication. 

,56 


THE   QUESTION   OF   INSURANCE 

"It  would  be  wise  of  you,"  said  Mr. 
Teddy,  "to  let  me  write  you  out  a  policy 
immediately.  It  is  always  prudent  to  take 
time  by  the  forelock.  Our  rates  are  low,  and, 
as  you  doubtless  are  aware,  our  company  is 
the  most  prosperous  in  the  world.  We 
were  awarded  a  medal  at  the  World's  Fair. 

"I  know  absolutely  nothing  about  these 
things,"  said  I,  candidly,  "  but  I  suppose  we 
ought  to  have  the  place  insured.  I  should 
be  glad  to  have  you  drop  around  some  even 
ing  and  talk  the  matter  over  with  Alice  and 
me." 

To  this  suggestion  Mr.  Teddy  took  very 
kindly  and  he  promised  to  call  very  soon. 
As  he  retired  down  the  gravel  walk  Colonel 
Bobbett  Doller  came  up  the  same.  The  two 
gentlemen  saluted  each  other  very  coldly. 

"Colonel  Doller  is  coming  to  talk  to  me 
about  that  twenty-five  foot  strip  of  land," 
says  I  to  myself ;  but  I  was  in  error. 

"Ah,    good    morning,    neighbor   Baker, 
good  morning!  "  cried  Colonel  Doller,  cheer 
ily.     "Beautiful  weather  we  're  having  — 
too  dry,  though,  much  too  dry!     All  nature 
is  parched.     We  need  rain  badly;  otherwise 

157 


THE   HOUSE 

the  most  lamentable  consequences  will  fol 
low.  I  dare  say  you  have  noticed  by  the  pa 
per  how  alarmingly  prevalent  conflagrations 
have  become  ?" 

"Have  they  ?"  I  asked,  in  genuine  surprise. 

"Shockingly  so,"  answered  Colonel  Dol- 
ler.  "The  record  is  simply  appalling.  If 
this  thing  continues  a  lot  of  the  little  mush 
room  insurance  companies  will  fail;  it  's  an 
ill  wind  that  blows  nobody  good.  The  pub 
lic  will  presently  awaken  to  a  realization  of 
the  danger  of  patronizing  the  irresponsible 
concerns  which  are  trying  to  do  business 
under  the  shadow  of  the  old  and  reliable 
companies." 

"  Do  you  really  think  there  will  be  a  pan 
ic  ?"  I  asked. 

"Among  the  small  fry,  yes,"  answered 
Colonel  Doller;  "but  nothing  short  of  a  uni 
versal  cataclysm  will  feaze  to  the  slightest 
degree  the  Vesuvius  Assurance  Company 
(limited)  of  Piddleton,  England,  the  oldest 
and  staunchest  insurance  company  in  the 
world,  of  which  I  am,  as  perhaps  you  know, 
the  general  manager  for  the  western  hemi 
sphere." 

.58 


THE  QUESTION   OF   INSURANCE 

"We  —  and  when  I  say  we,"  continued 
Colonel  Doller,  "I  mean  the  Vesuvius  —  we 
have  a  cash  capital  of  eighteen  million 
pounds,  and  a  reserve  fund  of  twelve  million 
five  hundred  and  sixty-eight  thousand  two 
hundred  pounds,  three  shillings,  and  six 
pence.  Our  losses  last  year  were  six  million 
three  hundred  thousand  pounds  in  round 
numbers,  and  our  premiums  were  eight  mil 
lion  five  hundred'  and  sixty-three  thousand 
two  hundred  and  sixty-five  pounds  and 
eighteen  pence.  So  you  can  see  for  your 
self  (for  figures  do  not  lie)  that  the  Vesuvius 
is  as  solid  as  the  everlasting  hills." 

"The  Royal  Liliuokalani  is  a  pretty  good 
company,  is  n't  it  ?  "  says  I. 

"The  Royal  Liliuokalani  ?"  repeated  Col 
onel  Doller.  "The  Royal  Liliuokalani  ?  Let 
me  see  —  I  don't  know  that  I  ever  heard  of 
it.  It 's  a  Milwaukee  concern,  is  n't  it  ?  " 

"No,"  said  I,  "my  understanding  is  that 
it  is  a  Hawaiian  enterprise." 

"Possibly  so  —  very  likely  it  is,"  said 
Colonel  Doller,  indifferently.  There  are  so 
many  of  these  little  schemes  springing  up 
nowadays  that  I  do  not  pretend  to  keep  track 

'59 


THE   HOUSE 

of  them.  If,  however,  you  should  at  any 
time  contemplate  insuring  you  will,  of  course, 
come  to  the  Vesuvius." 

I  repeated  to  Colonel  Doller  what  I  had 
told  Mr.  Teddy  about  the  feasibility  of  con 
sulting  Alice.  Colonel  Doller  replied  that 
while  the  Vesuvius  was  entirely  too  big  and 
too  conservative  a  company  ever  to  skirmish 
for  business,  he  would,  purely  out  of  regard 
for  his  long  friendship  for  me,  call  that  eve 
ning  to  have  a  business  talk  with  Alice  and 
me. 

Later  in  the  day  I  had  a  visit  from  Fred 
erick  Jeems,  another  neighbor  engaged  in 
the  profession  of  fire  insurance.  He  began 
his  attack  adroitly  by  complimenting  my  new 
house  and  by  regretting  that  I  was  shingling 
the  roof. 

"  But  so  long  as  you  're  insured,"  said  he, 
carelessly,  "  I  don't  know  that  it  makes  any 
difference  whether  you  use  shingles  or 
slate." 

I  confessed  that  I  had  not  taken  out  any 
insurance,  and  this  gave  him  the  desired  op 
portunity  to  bring  up  his  batteries  of  elo 
quence,  of  argument,  of  statistics,  and  of 
160 


THE   QUESTION   OF   INSURANCE 

figures.  Before  he  was  done  he  had  over 
whelmed  the  Royal  Liliuokalani  of  Hawaii 
and  the  Vesuvius  of  Piddleton  with  a  genu 
ine  avalanche  of  scorn  and  derision,  and  had 
quite  convinced  me  that  the  only  solvent 
and  secure  insurance  concern  in  the  world 
was  the  Deutsche  Kaiser  of  Bomberg-am- 
Rhine.  In  an  inspired  moment  I  bade  Mr. 
Jeems  come  round  that  very  evening  to  pre 
sent  his  facts  and  figures  to  Alice,  and  I 
laughed  slyly  to  myself  as  I  pictured  the 
meeting  between  himself,  Mr.  Teddy,  and 
Colonel  Doller.  This  may  strike  you  as 
having  been  malicious,  but  I  claim  that  under 
the  circumstances  I  was  warranted  in  plan 
ning  this  practical  joke. 

Having  disposed  of  these  three  gentlemen, 
I  flattered  myself  that  I  was  temporarily  done 
with  the  vexatious  details  of  insurance,  and 
I  was  getting  ready  to  bank  up  one  of  the 
flowerbeds  with  black  dirt  when  who  should 
come  along  but  another  neighbor,  and  a  very 
charming  one,  too  —  Angus  Cameron  Mac- 
leod  ?  For  two  years  we  have  been  more 
or  less  intimate.  Macleod  combines  many 
strangely  diverse  accomplishments.  He  ex- 

101 


THE   HOUSK 

ecutes  the  sword  dance  with  singular  grace, 
and  he  recites  Robert  Burns'  poems  and 
passages  from  "  Marmion  "  by  the  yard,  and 
with  inspiring  animation.  Although  I  am  in 
no  sense  a  music  critic,  nor  even  a  connois 
seur,  I  will  confess  that  I  have  often  been 
actually  transported  with  delight  by  neighbor 
Macleod's  rendition  of  "  The  Campbells  Are 
Coming "  on  the  bagpipes.  At  the  same 
time  he  is  a  skilful  rhetorician  and  severe 
logician,  as  all  who  have  heard  his  defence 
of  Presbyterianism  will  testify,  and  I  will 
concede  that  I  never  heard  anything  more 
absorbingly  fascinating  than  his  exposition 
of  the  honest  and  ennobling  old  doctrine  of 
infant  damnation.  If  you  knew  Macleod 
you  'd  agree  with  me  that  he  is  a  man  of 
parts. 

"Now  that  your  house  is  pretty  nearly 
done,"  said  Macleod,  "you  ought  to  take 
out  some  insurance  in  our  company,  the 
Bonny  Thistle  Marine  of  Inverness." 

"But  gracious  me!"  I  cried  in  astonish 
ment.  "Why  should  I  take  out  any  marine 
insurance  on  a  borne  ?  " 

"  For  the  very  best  reason  in  the  world," 
162 


THE  QUESTION   OF  INSURANCE 

answered  Mr.  Macleod.  "  Your  house 
stands  within  two  hundred  yards  of  one  of 
the  fiercest  inland  seas  of  the  world.  Even 
now  you  can  hear  the  tempestuous  billows 
dashing  wildly  upon  yonder  treacherous 
sands,  and  you  can  see  the  surf  madly 
reaching  out  as  if  to  overwhelm  this  fair  spot 
with  its  fatal  fury.  At  any  time  a  tidal 
wave  is  likely  to  sweep  in  from  the  frown 
ing  shores  of  Michigan.  Fancy  for  one  mo 
ment  what  would  become  of  this  beautiful 
but  delicate  fabric  if  that  mighty  lake  were 
to  burst  its  confines  and  surge  in  one  vast 
wall  in  this  direction !  Has  not  the  immor 
tal  Scott  truly  said : 

"  Against  the  wrath  of  nature  how  vain 
the  works  of  man  ? 

"My  dear  Baker,  you  certainly  are  too 
sensible  a  man  to  be  blind  to  the  security 
which  is  held  out  to  you  in  this  supreme 
moment  of  peril  by  the  Bonny  Thistle  Marine 
of  Inverness." 

I  admit  that  I  knew  not  what  to  say.  I 
had  never  before  suspected  any  of  these 
dangers  which,  according  to  my  friends, 
163 


THE   HOUSE 

now  seemed  imminent.  On  the  one  hand 
our  cherished  new  house  was  threatened  by 
fire;  on  the  other  hand  that  same  dear  edi 
fice  seemed  to  be  doomed  to  a  watery  grave. 
Under  these  conflicting  threatenings  what 
was  an  inexperienced  man  to  do  ?  Heaven 
be  praised,  my  presence  of  mind  did  not  de 
sert  me.  I  referred  Mr.  Macleod  to  Alice,  as 
I  had  referred  the  others.  It  was  her  house, 
and  she  would  have  to  be  responsible  for  it 
against  the  devouring  elements. 

That  night  I  dreamed  that  the  awful  sug 
gestions  of  Messrs.  Teddy,  Jeems,  Doller,  and 
Macleod  had  been  realized.  I  dreamed  that 
the  new  house  was  confronted  upon  one 
side  by  a  wall  of  flame,  and  upon  the  other 
by  a  wall  of  water.  Destruction  and  death 
seemed  imminent.  I  dreamed  that,  trusting 
rather  the  mercy  of  the  waves  than  the  fero 
city  of  the  flames,  I  leaped  into  the  billows 
and  struggled  like  a  Titan  with  them.  I 
awoke,  screaming  with  affright. 


164 


XVI 

NEIGHBOR, ROBBINS'  PLATYPUS 

I  WISH  you  knew  Burr  Robbins.  It  is 
quite  likely,  however,  that  you  do  know 
him,  for  he  has  been  conspicuously  before 
the  public  for  a  number  of  years.  Mr.  Rob- 
bins  lives  just  across  the  way  from  the  old 
Schmittheimer  place,  and  he  has  surrounded 
himself  with  comforts  and  luxuries  of  a  most 
extraordinary  character.  He  is  a  retired  cir 
cus  proprietor,  and  he  has  taken  with  him 
into  retirement  many  of  the  most  startling 
features  of  the  menagerie  which  used  to 
figure  as  one  of  the  most  delectable  compo 
nent  parts  of  the  "absolutely  greatest  ag 
glomeration  of  marvels  exhibiting  under  one 
canvas." 

In  his  front  yard  Mr.  Robbins  pastures 
two  trained  buffalo,  a  sacred  cow,  a  gnu  (or 
horned  horse),  two  musk  deer,  a  giraffe,  a 
165 


THE   HOUSE 

woolly  horse,  a  five-legged  calf  and  a  moose. 
In  the  back  yard  there  are  two  white  bear 
cubs,  a  baby  elephant,  a  nest  of  pythons, 
half  a  dozen  ostriches,  a  learned  pig,  seve 
ral  alligators  and  crocodiles,  and  a  giant  sloth 
from  South  America.  The  stable  is  well 
stocked  with  monkeys,  parrots,  eagles, 
lizards,  tortoises  and  other  curiosities,  and 
in  the  watering  trough  are  a  sea  serpent 
and  a  mermaid  (said  to  be  the.  only  speci 
mens  of  these  marvels  in  a  domesticated 
state). 

Alice  expressed  some  anxiety  at  first  that 
the  proximity  of  the  strange  creatures  might 
prove  unpleasant  to  us,  and  she  strictly  for 
bade  little  Erasmus  associating  with  the  py 
thons  or  pulling  the  crocodiles'  tails.  Mr. 
Robbins  has  assured  us,  however,  that  his 
pets  are  docile  and  trustworthy,  and  it  is  his 
custom  to  invite  the  little  children  of  the 
neighborhood  to  visit  and  play  with  the  most 
tractable  of  them. 

I  got  acquainted  with  neighbor  Robbins  in 
a  rather  curious  manner.  His  platypus  es 
caped  from  its  cage  in  the  stable  and  sought 
refuge  in  our  front  yard.  I  discovered  that 
166 


NEIGHBOR   ROBBINS'   PLATYPUS 

it  had  made  a  nest  in  one  of  our  lilac  bushes 
and  had  laid  an  egg  in  it.  With  eggs  at 
twenty  cents  a  dozen  and  our  family  fond  of 
custard,  an  industrious  platypus  is  by  no 
means  an  unwelcome  visitor.  When  Mr. 
Robbins  came  looking  for  his  vagrant  pet  I 
suggested  that  a  flock  of  platypuses  would 
be  a  decided  improvement  upon  the  poultry 
with  which  the  average  farmer  stocks  his 
farm.  I  was  considerably  surprised  to  learn 
from  Mr.  Robbins  that  the  market  price  of 
platypuses  is  eight  hundred  dollars  apiece, 
and  I  at  once  foresaw  that  this  strange  crea 
ture  was  not  likely  to  become  the  dreaded 
competitor  of  the  hen  in  the  midst  of  us. 

Erasmus  and  little  Josephine  became  deep 
ly  interested  in  Mr.  Robbins,  and  they  are 
now  spending  a  large  share  of  their  time  in 
the  society  either  of  that  fascinating  gentle 
man  or  of  his  equally  fascinating  wild  beasts. 
Erasmus  has  learned  to  throw  a  back-som 
ersault  with  surprising  ease  and  grace  and 
to  sing  a  comic  song  with  electrical  effect. 
These  accomplishments  he  has  acquired  un 
der  the  careful  tutelage  of  Rufe  Botts,  former 
ly  known  to  fame  as  Professor  Botts,  manager 
.67 


THE   HOUSE 

of  the  Nonpareil  Congress  of  Trained  Dogs 
and  Trick  Ponies.  I  understand  that  he  also 
served  Mr.  Robbins  in  "the  palmy  days  "  as 
a  clown  in  the  ring  during  the  regular  per 
formance  and  as  a  serio-comic  vocalist  at  the 
concert  immediately  after  the  show  under 
the  great  canvas.  Relentless  time,  however, 
rings  in  wondrous  changes,  and  the  whilom 
Professor  Rufus  Botts,  pride  alike  of  the  am 
phitheatre  and  of  the  concert  stage,  is  now 
plain  Rufe  Botts  on  a  salary  of  four  dollars  a 
week  (and  found)  as  Mr.  Robbins'  man  of 
all  work. 

Alice  and  I  have  feared  that  Rufe's  influence 
might  not  be  beneficial  to  the  children.  It 
pains  us  to  observe  that  Josephine  has 
learned  to  ride  a  padded  horse  and  to  leap 
with  surprising  certainty  through  a  hoop  and 
over  a  banner.  Erasmus  does  not  disguise 
his  intention  of  joining  a  circus  when  he 
reaches  the  age  of  maturity,  and  I  happened 
to  overhear  Rufe  remark  the  other  day  that 
our  daughter  Fanny,  with  just  a  leetle  more 
practice,  would  make  a  ne  plus  ultra  snake- 
charmer  and  knife-thrower.  Mr.  Robbins 
has  laughed  at  our  solicitude;  he  tells  us  that 
1 68 


NEIGHBOR  ROBBINS'   PLATYPUS 

these  are  the  vagarious  fancies  and  exuberant 
whims  of  youth  and  that  they  will  duly  die 
out.  This  is  really  very  consoling  to  me, 
for  I  can  conceive  of  nothing  else  more  hu 
miliating  than  the  spectacle  of  our  beloved 
Josephine  flaunting  around  a  circus  ring  up 
on  the  back  of  a  fat  horse  and  attired  in 
shockingly  scanty  raiment.  It  would  break 
his  mother's  heart  if  Erasmus  were  to  diverge 
from  that  course  in  theology  which  she  has 
mapped  out  and  were  to  embark  in  the  pic 
turesque  profession  of  turning  somersaults 
in  public.  Our  family  reputation  would 
surely  be  irreparably  damaged  if  our  Fanny 
were  to  be  beguiled  into  the  fascinating  but 
hazardous  arts  of  a  snake-charmer  and  a 
knife-thrower!  Heaven  send  that  our  fears 
be  dissipated  by  future  events! 

And  yet,  full  of  temptations  and  of  misery 
as  I  believe  the  career  of  a  circus  performer 
to  be,  I  am  entertained  and  instructed  by 
neighbor  Robbins'  recital  of  his  exploits  and 
experiences,  and  I  am  deeply  stirred  by  his 
narrative  of  the  adventures  he  had  in  the 
capture  of  those  same  wild  beasts  which 
now  embellish  his  expansive  estate  in  Clar- 
169 


THE   HOUSE 

endon  Avenue.  Indeed,  a  peculiar  interest 
is  now  attached  by  me  to  each  particular 
beast,  for  I  have  heard  Mr.  Robbins  tell  how 
in  their  native  jungles  or  on  their  native 
pampas  or  in  their  native  lagoons  or  among 
their  native  rocky  fastnesses  he  sought  and 
found  and  comprehended  the  lemurs,  the 
bisons,  the  alligators,  the  rackaboars,  and 
the  other  marvels  of  zoology. 

It  is  very  pleasant,  I  can  assure  you,  to 
listen  to  tales  of  adventure  while  one  is  en 
gaged  at  the  somewhat  prosaic  task  of  trim 
ming  a  lilac  bush  or  of  weeding  the  pansy 
bed.  Whenever  he  discovers  me  at  this 
kind  of  toil  neighbor  Robbins  comes  over 
and  leans  up  against  a  tree  and  beguiles  the 
tedium  of  labor  with  a  bit  of  personal  ex 
perience.  I  can't  begin  to  tell  you  how  at 
tached  I  have  already  become  to  Mr.  Rob- 
bins.  I  have  already  made  up  my  mind  that 
when  his  own  front  lawn  gets  pretty  well 
cleaned  out  I  shall  ask  neighbor  Robbins  to 
pasture  his  sacred  cow,  horned  horse,  and 
five-legged  calf  in  our  front  yard  for  a  spell. 

I  shall  never  forget  the  shock  I  had  one 
afternoon  while  Mr.  Robbins  and  I  were 
170 


NEIGHBOR   ROBBINS'   PLATYPUS 

visiting  on  our  front  lawn.  I  had  been 
pruning  one  of  the  poplars  and  Mr.  Robbins 
was  telling  me  of  the  difficulty  Professor 
Rufus  Botts  and  he  had  once  had  trying  to 
teach  the  wild  man  of  Borneo  to  eat  olives 
and  anchovy  paste.  Suddenly  I  saw  a  strange 
object  pass  up  the  street  on  a  bicycle.  I  had 
never  seen  the  like  before.  My  acquaint 
ance  with  Burr  Robbins'  menagerie  had 
made  me  familiar  with  most  of  the  curious 
forms  of  animal  life,  but  never  before  had  I 
seen  so  remarkable  an  object  as  I  beheld 
upon  that  bicycle. 

"Look  there!  Look  quick!"  said  I  to 
neighbor  Robbins.  "It  is  going  up  the 
street  and  it  has  wheels  under  it!  " 

"Where?"  asked  Mr.  Robbins;  "I  don't 
see  anything." 

' '  Yes,  you  do, "  said  I ;  "  I  mean  the  queer 
thing  on  the  bicycle — can  it  be  one  of  your 
trained  animals  that  has  got  away  ?" 

"Bless  your  soul,  man,"  answered  Mr. 
Robbins,  "that  's  not  an  animal!  That 's  a 
woman! " 

"Oh,  no,  it  is  n't,"  said  I.     "No  woman 
ever  dressed  like  that." 
171 


THE  HOUSE 

"No  woman  ever  dressed  like  that?" 
echoed  Mr.  Robbins,  with  a  mocking  laugh; 
"why,  neighbor  Baker,  where  have  you 
been  hiding  so  long  that  you  're  so  behind 
the  times?" 

"I  've  not  been  hiding  at  all,"  said  I,  in 
dignantly.  "I  've  been  living  in  Evanston 
Avenue,  and  a  very  worthy  locality  it  is, 
too!" 

"  And  do  you  mean  to  tell  me,"  asked  Mr. 
Robbins,  "  that  women  don't  ride  the  bicycle 
in  Evanston  Avenue  ?  " 

"Of  course  they  do,"  said  I,  "but  they 
don't  look  like  that!  The  women  that  ride 
in  Evanston  Avenue  wear  dresses,  the  same 
as  other  women  wear.  This  strange  object 
(which  you  declare  is  a  woman)  wears 
pants!" 

"Those  ain't  pants,"  said  Mr.  Robbins; 
"those  are  bloomers." 

"I  don't  care  what  you  call  them,  "said  I, 
"they  're  pants  just  the  same,  and,  what  is 
more,  very  ill-fitting  pants  at  that!" 

"That, "said  Mr.  Robbins,  "is  the  new 
style  of  bicycle  attire  for  the  feminine  sex. 
Shocking  as  it  may  appear  to  you,  it  is  much 
172 


NEIGHBOR   ROBBINS'   PLATYPUS 

more  ample  than  the  costume  which  I  found 
to  be  popular  among  the  female  bicyclists  of 
France  during  my  visit  to  that  country  last 
summer." 

"  But  you  don't  mean  to  tell  me,"  said  I, 
"that  women  make  a  practice  of  riding  up 
and  down  Clarendon  Avenue  in  pants!  " 

"  Certainly,  I  do, "said  Mr.  Robbins.  "We 
do  things  in  style  over  this  way.  Evanston 
Avenue  is  a  century  behind  the  times.  Oh, 
you  '11  learn  a  lot  of  things  when  you  get 
moved  over  here  into  your  new  house." 

"  But  I  '11  not  stand  it!  "  I  cried.  "  I'll  in 
form  the  police  and  I  '11  have  the  law  on  these 
brazen  creatures.  What  would  Alice  say! 
And  what  would  become  of  Fanny  and  of 
little  Josephine  if  they  were  brought  up  under 
the  demoralizing  influences  of  spectacles  like 
that!  Do  you  suppose  I  'm  going  to  have 
Galileo  and  Herschel  corrupted  ?  And  little 
Erasmus  —  shall  his  pure,  innocent  mind  be 
contaminated  ?  Never,  neighbor  Robbins, 
never!  " 

But  Mr.  Robbins  did  not  seem  to  view  the 
matter  at  all  as  I  did.  It  was  evident  that 
his  long  connection  with  the  circus  had  cal- 


THE   HOUSE 

loused  the  sensibility  of  his  perceptive  facul 
ties.  He  was  inclined  to  jeer  at  what  he 
termed  my  prudishness.  I  was  glad  to  be 
back  in  Evanston  Avenue  once  more,  secure 
in  an  atmosphere  of  propriety.  It  was  sev 
eral  hours,  however,  before  I  could  get  my 
mind  away  from  thoughts  of  that  woman  in 
pants,  so  profoundly  had  her  appearance  in 
that  strangely  abbreviated  costume  shocked 
me. 


'74 


XVII 
OUR  DEVICES  FOR  ECONOMIZING 

UNLESS  you  want  to  render  yourself  li 
able  to  an  attack  of  nervous  prostration 
you  should  never  watch  a  skilful  workman 
nailing  on  lath.  It  is  the  most  bewildering 
spectacle  you  can  conceive  of.  I  watched  it 
for  twenty  minutes  one  day  —  it  was  when 
they  were  lathing  the  big  front  room  down 
stairs,  the  library,  and  my  brain  began  to  reel 
as  if  I  were  intoxicated.  I  actually  believe 
that  if  Uncle  Si  had  not  led  me  away  and  set 
me  down  under  one  of  the  willow-trees  in 
the  front  yard  I  should  have  had  a  spell  of 
sickness,  and  may  be  even  now  had  been 
confined  in  the  incurable  ward  of  a  lunatic 
asylum.  I  can't  understand  how  they  do  it 
so  accurately  and  so  fast  and  with  such  ap 
parent  ease.  The  whole  proceeding  is  so 
fascinating  that  I  really  believe  that,  next  to 

'75 


THE   HOUSE 

proficiency  in  the  science  of  astronomy,  I 
should  like  to  be  an  expert  at  nailing  lath. 
In  every  line  of  mechanics  my  education  has 
been  grievously  neglected. 

Alice  says  that  I  am  not  practical  enough 
to  make  a  successful  carpenter;  she  gets  this 
unfair  opinion  of  me  from  an  incident  in  our 
early  wedded  life  which  she  delights  in  re 
calling  in  the  presence  of  people  upon  whom 
1  am  particularly  desirous  of  making  a  favor 
able  impression.  It  seems  that  when  Galileo 
and  Herschel  were  little  tots  I  undertook  to 
construct  a  playhouse  for  them  in  the  back 
yard.  This  was  at  a  time  when  I  was  ex 
ceptionally  busied  with  my  professional  stud 
ies  ;  Mars  was  rapidly  approaching  perihelion, 
and  I  had  been  commissioned  by  the  Blue 
Island  Society  of  the  Arts  and  Sciences  to 
prepare  a  chart  of  the  bottle-neck  seas.  It 
would  have  been  surprising  indeed  had  I  not 
been  preoccupied  —  too  absorbed  in  intel 
lectual  pursuits  to  cope  successfully  with 
any  such  worldly  and  prosaic  thing  as  a  play 
house  in  the  back  yard.  Yet  Alice  insists 
that  it  is  most  amusing  that  I  should  have 
neglected  to  provide  that  structure  with  win- 
.76 


OUR   DEVICES   FOR   ECONOMIZING 

dows  and  a  door,  and  that,  as  a  natural  con 
sequence,  I  should  have  nailed  myself  up 
securely  in  that  affair. 

On  another  occasion  I  painted  myself 
gradually  into  a  corner  while  attempting  to 
paint  the  floor  of  the  spare  chamber.  Alice 
reproached  me  bitterly  for  this;  she  said  she 
supposed  everybody  knew  that  a  floor  should 
always  be  painted  toward,  and  not  away 
from  the  door.  Alice  seems  never  to  con 
sider  that  few  other  people  are  gifted  with 
such  intuitions  as  she  has,  but  are  compelled 
to  drag  along  through  life  learning  by  ex 
perience. 

I  do  not  wish  to  be  understood  as  com 
plaining  or  railing  against  fate  because  I  am 
not  skilled  in  mechanics ;  I  recognize  as  a  dis 
tinct  boon  the  fact  that  I  am  awkward  in  the 
use  of  tools,  and  the  further  fact  that  I  have 
no  ambition  in  the  direction  of  mechanical 
endeavor  has  doubtless  saved  me  many  a 
bruised  thumb  and  a  vast  amount  of  hard 
labor.  When  I  see  my  neighbors  tinkering 
away  at  their  storm  windows  and  garbage 
boxes  and  grape  vine  trellises  and  dog  ken 
nels  and  window  screens  and  front  gates,  I 

'77 


THE   HOUSE 

do  not  neglect  to  thank  heaven  that  Alice 
has  the  best  of  reasons  for  not  asking  me  to 
engage  in  similar  odd  jobs  about  our  house. 

Still,  I  am  sure  that,  if  I  ever  do  engage  in 
any  avocation,  it  will  be  that  of  nailing  lath, 
an  employment  requiring  an  exercise  of  pa 
tience,  of  intelligence,  and  of  skill  to  the 
highest  degree. 

Until  we  bought  the  new  place  I  had  no 
idea  that  the  expense  of  conducting  an  es 
tablishment  of  one's  own  was  so  large.  It 
seems,  however,  that  when  one  has  once  be 
come  a  property-owner  there  is  no  end  to  the 
things  one  must  have  and  cannot  get  along 
without.  It  is  impossible  to  say  how  or 
where  the  venders  of  patent  arrangements 
find  out  about  you,  but  no  sooner  do  you  buy 
a  place  of  your  own  than  you  are  run  to 
death  by  people  who  actually  prove  to  you 
that  you  must  have  what  they  have  to  sell. 

Alice  and  I  are  very  happy  in  the  confi 
dence  that  we  have  secured  a  simple  device 
which  is  going  to  reduce  our  coal  bill  by  at 
least  fifty  per  cent. ;  it  is  a  fuel-saving  ma 
chine  which  is  to  be  attached  to  our  new 
steam-heating  apparatus,  and  if  it  accom- 
,78 


OUR   DEVICES   FOR   ECONOMIZING 

plishes  anything  like  what  the  agent  said  it 
would,  why,  it  is  worth  five  dollars  ten 
times  over!  And  we  are  expecting  won 
ders,  too,  of  the  gas-saving  apparatus  for 
which  we  have  paid  three  dollars  and  which 
is  to  be  attached  to  the  meter  with  such 
pleasing  results  that  we  shall  have  five  times 
more  light  at  a  saving  of  at  least  sixty  per 
cent  in  cost. 

I  find  upon  consulting  my  expense  ac 
count  for  May  that  during  that  month  alone 
Alice  and  I  purchased  no  fewer  than  thirty 
devices  of  an  economical  character.  We 
have  three  different  kinds  of  smoke-consu 
mers,  an  automatic  carpet-sweeper,  a  bottle 
of  lightning  polish  for  plate-glass,  a  dish 
washing  machine,  a  knife-scourer,  a  potato- 
parer,  two  automatic  lawn-hose  reels,  a  sew 
er-gas  consumer,  a  patent  ashes-sifter,  etc., 
etc.  It  has  required  a  considerable  outlay 
of  money  to  get  stocked  up  with  these 
things,  but  we  regard  them  as  a  very  wise 
investment.  It  is  wholly  consistent  with 
our  policy  of  economy  to  provide  ourselves 
with  the  means  of  making  a  marked  reduc 
tion  in  our  expenses.  We  flatter  ourselves 

>79 


THE   HOUSE 

that  before  we  have  been  in  our  house  six 
months  we  shall  have  demonstrated  that  we 
are  not  upon  earth  for  the  purpose  of  en 
riching  gas  companies  and  other  soulless 
corporations. 

But  I  think  the  wisest  investment  we  have 
made  is  the  insurance  policy  which  we  have 
taken  out  on  Alice's  life.  The  incident  came 
about  so  curiously  that  I  feel  inclined  to  tell 
it  in  detail.  I  was  one  evening  sitting  out 
in  front  of  our  house  —  the  rented  one,  1 
mean  —  watching  the  stars  gradually  making 
their  appearance  in  the  cerulean  vault,  and  I 
was  marvelling  at  the  endless  wonders  of 
the  heavenly  expanse,  when  I  became  aware 
that  somebody  was  approaching.  I  saw 
that  this  somebody  was  my  Sheridan  Road 
friend  and  neighbor,  Treese  Smith.  He  was 
whistling  softly  to  himself  an  air  which  I 
did  not  recognize,  but  which  my  daughter 
Fanny  (who  is  a  music  connoisseur)  identi 
fied  as  "  My  Pearl  Is  a  Bowery  Girl."  Pre 
suming  that  he  was  coming  to  pay  me  a 
neighborly  call,  I  arose  to  meet  him.  Fancy 
my  amazement  when  upon  beholding  me 
Mr.  Smith  burst  into  tears.  I  do  not  re- 
180 


OUR   DEVICES   FOR   ECONOMIZING 

member  ever  to  have  been  more  astounded 
than  by  this  sudden  transition  from  gayety 
to  grief.  I  could  hardly  find  words  to  ask 
my  friend  what  trouble  had  befallen  him. 

"I  was  hopingto  meet  no  one, "he sobbed, 
"for  I  am  in  no  condition  of  mind  to  asso 
ciate  with  my  fellow-beings." 

"  It  is  evident,"  I  interposed,  "that  some 
great  sorrow  has  come  upon  you;  surely 
you  would  not  hesitate  to  come  to  me  for 
sympathy." 

"You  are  right,"  said  Mr.  Smith,  making 
a  heroic  effort  to  gather  himself  together. 
"It  would  be  selfish  of  me  not  to  give  so 
dear  a  neighbor  as  you  a  chance  to  share 
my  misery.  Read  this." 

He  handed  me  a  bit  of  printed  stuff  which 
he  had  evidently  cut  from  a  newspaper.  I 
stood  under  the  street  lamp  and  read  it  in 
this  wise: 

KANSAS  CITY,  May  23. —  During  the  thunder-storm 
to-day  Mrs.  Bolivar  Bowers,  wife  of  the  well-known 
scientist,  was  struck  and  destroyed  by  lightning.  De 
ceased  leaves  a  husband  and  five  children;  no  insur 
ance. 

"Ah,  I  see,"  said  I  in  my  gentlest  tone; 
181 


THE   HOUSE 

"she  was  a  dear  friend — perhaps  a  relative 
of  yours." 

"No,  not  that,"  said  Mr.  Smith,  still  sob 
bing;  "you  misinterpret  my  grief.  This 
party  was  in  no  way  akin  to  me  except  un 
der  that  common  descent  from  the  old  Adam 
which  makes  all  humanity  brothers  and  sis 
ters.  I  did  not  know  deceased,  nor  did  I 
ever  see  her." 

"Then  why,"  I  asked,  in  some  astonish 
ment,  "why  are  you  so  moved  by  the  news 
of  her  death  ?" 

"To  one  of  my  nature,"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Smith,  "the  circumstances  detailed  in  this 
item  are  most  painful  to  contemplate.  We 
find  here  recorded  the  sudden  demise  of  the 
sole  support  of  a  husband  and  five  children 
—  a  wife  and  mother  snatched  away  by 
death,  leaving  a  helpless  family  without  any 
visible  means  of  support." 

"But  why  without  any  means  of  sup 
port  ? "  I  asked. 

"  It  says  so,"  answered  Mr.  Smith.  "The 
husband  is  a  scientist  and  is  therefore  by  na 
ture  and  by  occupation  disqualified  for  earn 
ing  a  livelihood." 

182 


OUR   DEVICES   FOR   ECONOMIZING 

"Surely  enough,"  said  I,  "that  is  quite 
true." 

"Can  you  picture  a  more  distressing 
scene,"  continued  Mr.  Smith,  still  in  tears, 
"than  that  of  this  helpless  father  and  his 
five  little  ones  standing  above  that  lifeless 
lady  and  wondering  where  their  food  and 
raiment  will  come  from  now  ?  It  is  sad,  it 
is  agonizing,  it  is  awful!  And  yet  it  all 
might  have  been  averted  —  all  this  solicitude 
about  the  future.  Had  Mrs.  Bolivar  Bowers 
taken  out  a  policy  in  my  company,  the  In 
ternational  Mutual  Tontine  Life  Insurance 
Company  of  Paw  Paw,  Indiana,  the  aspect 
to-day  would  have  been  different,  and  Boli 
var  Bowers  and  his  callow  brood  of  little 
Bowerses  would  have  reason  to  bless  the 
rod  that  smote  them.  Ah,  friend  Baker, 
the  International  Mutual  Tontine  has  done  a 
glorious  work  toward  mitigating  the  wrath 
of  the  grim  destroyer;  under  the  grace  of  its 
soothing  balm  bereavement  becomes  an  ac 
tual  pleasure,  death  loses  its  sting,  and  the 
grave  its  victory." 

From  this  small,  casual  beginning  followed 
that  train  of  explanation  and  argument  upon 
,83 


THE   HOUSE 

Mr.  Smith's  part  which  led  to  Alice's  tak 
ing  out  a  life  policy  in  the  Indiana  com 
pany.  Mr.  Smith  is  a  man  of  broad  and  deep 
human  sympathies.  Had  he  not  happened 
upon  that  newspaper  item,  had  his  heart  not 
gone  out  in  passionate  sympathy  toward  the 
bereaved  Bolivar  Bowers  and  his  little  ones, 
had  he  not  wandered  in  an  irresponsible 
paroxysm  of  grief  in  the  direction  of  my 
house  that  evening,  and  had  he  not  confided 
his  sorrow  to  me  —  why,  then  we  should 
not  have  known  of  the  greatest  of  human 
benefactors,  and  Alice  would  not  now  be 
safe  (so  to  speak)  in  the  bosom  of  the  Inter 
national  Mutual  Tontine  Life  Insurance  Com 
pany  of  Paw  Paw. 

I  do  not  regard  these  things  as  accidental; 
they  are  special  providences. 


184 


XVIII 

I   STATE   MY  VIEWS   ON   TAXATION 

/ 

OF  the  many  friends  who  hastened  to 
congratulate  us  when  they  heard  that 
we  had  acquired  a  home,  none  was  more  de 
lighted  than  Gamlin  Harland.  I  take  it  for 
granted  that  you  have  read  Mr.  Harland's 
numerous  books,  and  that  you  know  all 
about  Mr.  Harland  himself.  Not  to  know 
of  him  is  to  argue  one's  self  unknown. 

My  first  meeting  with  Mr.  Harland  was  at 
a  single-tax  convention  six  years  ago ;  he  was 
a  delegate  to  that  convention  from  Wiscon 
sin,  and  I  was  a  delegate  from  Illinois.  I  was 
a  delegate  because  the  manager  of  the  party, 
who  lives  in  New  York,  could  n't  find  any 
body  else  to  serve  as  the  delegate  from  the 
congressional  district  in  which  I  lived.  I 
thought  that  rather  than  have  that  district 
unrepresented  I  ought  to  serve,  and  so  I  did. 
185 


THE   HOUSE 

The  acquaintance  I  then  made  with  Gamlin 
Harland  soon  ripened  into  friendship,  and 
this  intimacy  has  lasted  ever  since.  Mr. 
Harland  insists  that  I  am  a  single-tax  man, 
and  it  may  be  that  I  am  in  theory,  although 
I  certainly  am  not  in  practice;  for  I  never 
have  paid  any  tax  of  any  kind,  be  it  single 
or  double. 

As  soon  as  he  heard  of  our  purchase  Mr. 
Harland  came  out  to  inspect  the  premises, 
and  of  course  he  was  delighted. 

' '  This  will  make  a  new  man  of  you, "  said 
he  to  me.  "  It  will  take  your  mind  off  your 
impracticable  star-gazing  and  moonshining, 
and  divert  your  attention  into  the  channels 
of  realism.  These  premises  are  so  spacious 
as  to  admit  of  your  engaging  to  a  considera 
ble  extent  in  agriculture;  you  can  now  lay 
aside  the  telescope  and  the  spectrum  for  the 
spade  and  the  hoe;  the  field  of  speculation 
can  be  abandoned  for  this  noble  acre  which 
I  hope  soon  to  see  smiling  into  an  abundant 
harvest." 

"Yes,  "said  I,  "it  is  my  purpose  to  engage 
largely  in  the  cultivation  of  flowers." 

"Pshaw !  "  cried  Mr.  Harland,  "there  you 
186 


I   STATE   MY   VIEWS  ON   TAXATION 

go  again !  Don't  you  know  that  flowers  are 
wholly  worthless  except  in  so  far  as  they 
pander  to  the  gratification  of  a  sensuous  ap 
petite?  It  would  be  a  crime  to  surrender 
these  opportunities  to  ignoble  uses.  You 
must  raise  vegetables  here,  or  perhaps  some 
of  the  small  fruits  would  thrive  better  in  this 
rich  sandy  soil." 

Investigation  satisfied  Mr.  Harland  that 
blackberries  were  the  particular  kind  of  small 
fruit  to  which  the  soil  seemed  adapted.  I 
was  not  surprised  at  this,  for  I  knew  that  the 
blackberry  was  a  favorite  with  Mr.  Harland 
—  in  fact,  Mr.  Harland  is  the  only  author  I 
know  of  who  has  written  a  novel  whose  plot 
hinges  (so  to  speak)  upon  a  blackberry.  So 
passionately  fond  of  this  fruit  is  he  that  he 
devotes  a  part  of  the  year  to  cultivating 
blackberries  on  his  Wisconsin  farm.  There 
are  invidious  persons  who  intimate  that  his 
only  reason  for  cultivating  the  blackberry  is 
to  be  found  in  the  fact  that  nothing  else  will 
grow  on  his  farm,  and  presumably  you  have 
heard  the  epigram  which  the  romanticists 
have  perpetrated  at  Mr.  Harland's  expense, 
and  which  represents  that  ambitious  and  ag- 
187 


THE    HOUSE 

gressive  gentleman  as  raising  blackberries  in 
summer  and  -  -  in  winter. 

Aftergetting  me  thorougly  inoculated  with 
the  blackberry  idea,  and  having  duly  im 
pressed  me  with  his  theory  that  true  manhood 
consisted  of  making  one's  self  unspeakably 
miserable  and  sweaty  with  a  shovel  and  a 
hoe,  Mr.  Harland  broached  his  favorite  topic, 
and  ventured  the  assertion  that  now  that  I 
was  the  possessor  of  taxable  property  I  would 
become  as  rabid  a  single-tax  advocate  as 
Henry  George  himself.  I  answered  that  1 
already  advocated  a  single-tax  system,  for 
the  reason  that  if  we  could  only  once  get  a 
single-tax  system  in  vogue  we  should  then 
be  but  one  remove  from  no  taxation  at  all, 
and  would  have  less  difficulty  in  securing 
that  desirable  end  ultimately. 

The  truth  of  the  matter  is,  I  object  to  tax 
ation  only  in  so  far  as  it  affects  me.  1  have 
no  objection  to  other  folk  being  taxed,  but  I 
do  not  fancy  being  taxed  myself.  I  agree 
with  Brother  Harland  that  there  is  palpable 
injustice  in  making  an  industrious  and  pub 
lic-spirited  man  pay  for  the  so-called  privi 
lege  of  building  himself  a  home ;  he  pays  the 
188 


I   STATE   MY   VIEWS   ON   TAXATION 

carpenters  and  masons  and  painters  for  mak 
ing  that  home,  and  he  is  then  expected  to 
pay  the  city  and  the  State  for  having  invested 
his  hard  earnings  in  a  permanent  enterprise 
which  gives  employment  to  the  laborer, 
which  beautifies  the  neighborhood,  and 
which  enhances  the  value  of  the  adjacent 
property.  The  object  of  taxation  (as  Mr. 
Harland  asserts  and  as  I  believe)  is  to  enrich 
the  office-holding  class,  a  class  of  loose  mo 
rality,  utterly  heartless  and  utterly  conscience 
less,  and  I  agree  with  Mr.  Harland  in  the 
opinion  that  the  time  is  not  far  distant  when 
the  honest  people  of  this  country  will  arise 
as  one  man  and  subvert  the  corrupt  hand  of 
politics  which  is  now  grinding  us  under  the 
iron  heel  of  oppression. 

It  is  seldom  that  I  give  expression  to  my 
views  upon  this  subject,  for  the  reason  that 
I  fear  they  may  be  misinterpreted.  I  have 
always  had  an  apprehension  that  I  would  be 
mistaken  for  an  anarchist,  which  I  am  not;  I 
am  an  advocate  of  peace  and  of  the  laws; 
I  do  not  believe  in  violence  of  any  kind. 

And  now  that  I  am  speaking  of  violence,  I 
am  reminded  of  an  incident  which  illustrates 


THE   HOUSE 

the  thoughtless  cruelty  of  too  many  of  our 
youth.  It  was  scarcely  two  weeks  ago  that 
I  detected  a  boy  (apparently  about  twelve 
years  of  age)  climbing  one  of  the  willow  trees 
in  our  old  Schmittheimer  place.  I  crept  up 
on  him  unawares  and  speedily  became  satis 
fied  that  he  was  after  the  eggs  in  a  bird's 
nest  that  nestled  cozily  in  a  crotch  of  the 
limbs.  I  shouted  lustily  at  the  young  scape 
grace,  and  his  confusion  convinced  me  that 
my  suspicions  were  correct.  I  kept  him  in 
his  uncomfortable  position  in  the  tree  until 
1  had  lectured  him  severely  for  the  cruelty  he 
contemplated  and  until  I  had  exacted  from 
him  a  promise  that  he  would  forever  there 
after  abstain  from  the  practice  of  robbing 
birds'  nests.  The  tears  which  trickled  down 
his  face  assured  me  no  less  than  his  solemn 
protests  did  that  the  lad  was  indeed  penitent, 
but  the  fellow  had  no  sooner  descended  from 
the  tree  and  reached  a  point  of  safety  the  other 
side  of  the  fence  than  he  gave  utterance  to  sen 
timents  which  wholly  disabused  my  mind  of 
all  faith  in  his  previous  professions  of  reform. 
I  have  never  been  able  to  understand  what 
pleasure  can  accrue  from  the  spoliation  of  the 
190 


I   STATE   MY   VIEWS   ON   TAXATION 

homes  of  birds,  the  beautiful  musical  creatures 
that  contribute  so  largely  toward  making  the 
world  cheerful.  One  of  the  pleasantest  re 
collections  of  my  boyhood  is  that  in  all  that 
active  period  I  never  once  killed  or  wounded 
a  bird  or  robbed  its  nest.  And  I  think  that 
the  kindest  act  I  ever  did  —  at  least  the  one 
which  I  recall  with  the  most  satisfaction  — 
was  my  release  of  a  caged  bird.  A  careless, 
heedless  neighbor  had  caught  and  caged  a 
redbird,  and  the  mournful  twittering  of  the 
poor  creature  as  he  fluttered  incessantly  be 
hind  the  bars  of  his  prison  pained  and 
haunted  me.  The  redbird  can  never  be  rec 
onciled  to  confinement;  he  is  of  the  forest; 
the  wildness  of  his  peculiar  note  indicates 
the  restlessness  of  his  nature.  So  for  nearly 
a  year  the  melancholy  twittering  and  the 
fluttering  of  that  caged  bird  haunted  me. 

One  morning  —  it  was  in  the  gracious  May 
time  —  I  awoke  early.  The  sun  was  just 
coming  up  and  was  kissing  the  tears  from 
lovely  Nature's  face.  The  air  was  full  of 
coolness  and  of  sweet  smells.  Then,  hear 
ing  the  querulous  note  of  the  imprisoned 
bird  upon  the  porch  yonder,  I  determined  to 
191 


THE   HOUSE 

set  the  poor  thing  free.  So  I  dressed  myself 
and  stole  out  into  the  graciousness  of  the 
early  morning.  To  my  last  day  I  shall  not 
forget  the  delight,  the  rapture,  with  which 
that  released  bird  mounted  from  the  door 
way  of  his  cage  and  sped  away! 

One  of  the  most  treasured  relics  I  have  is 
a  poem  which  my  father  wrote  when  I  was 
a  little  boy.  My  father  was  a  native  of  Maine, 
but  for  all  that  he  was  a  man  of  sentiment 
and  he  had  much  literary  taste,  and  ability, 
too.  The  poem  which  he  gave  me,  and 
which  I  have  always  treasured,  will  (if  I  am 
not  grievously  in  error)  touch  a  responsive 
chord  in  many  a  human  heart,  for  all  human 
ity  looks  back  with  tenderness  to  the  time 
of  youth. 

THE    MORNING    BIRD 

A  bird  sat  in  the  maple  tree 
And  this  was  the  song  he  sang  to  me  : 
"  O  little  boy,  awake,  arise  ! 
The  sun  is  high  in  the  morning  skies  ; 
The  brook  's  a-play  in  the  pasture  lot 

And  wondereth  that  the  little  boy 
It  loveth  dearly  cometh  not 
To  share  its  turbulence  and  joy  ; 
192 


I   STATE   MY   VIEWS   ON   TAXATION 

The  grass  hath  kisses  cool  and  sweet 
For  truant  little  brown  bare  feet  — 
So  come,  O  child,  awake,  arise  ! 
The  sun  is  high  in  the  morning  skies  !  " 

So  from  the  yonder  maple  tree 
The  bird  kept  singing  unto  me  ; 
But  that  was  very  long  ago  — 
I  did  not  think —  1  did  not  know  — 
Else  would  1  not  have  longer  slept 

And  dreamt  the  precious  hours  away  ; 
Else  would  I  from  my  bed  have  leapt 

To  greet  another  happy  day — 
A  day,  untouched  of  care  and  ruth, 
With  sweet  companionship  of  youth  — 
The  dear  old  friends  which  you  and  I 
Knew  in  the  happy  years  gone  by  ! 

Still  in  the  maple  can  be  heard 
The  music  of  the  morning  bird, 
And  still  the  song  is  of  the  day 
That  runneth  o'er  with  childish  play  ; 
Still  of  each  pleasant  old-time  place 

And  of  the  old-time  friends  I  knew  — 
The  pool  where  hid  the  furtive  dace, 

The  lot  the  brook  went  scampering  through  ; 
The  mill,  the  lane,  the  bellflower  tree 
That  used  to  love  to  shelter  me  — 
And  all  those  others  I  knew  then, 
But  which  I  cannot  know  again  ! 

'93 


THE   HOUSE 

Alas  !  from  yonder  maple  tree 
The  morning  bird  sings  not  to  me  ; 
Else  would  his  ghostly  voice  prolong 
An  evening,  not  a  morning,  song 
And  he  would  tell  of  each  dear  spot 

1  knew  so  well  and  cherished  then, 
As  all  forgetting,  not  forgot 

By  him  who  would  be  young  again  ! 

0  child,  the  voice  from  yonder  tree 
Calleth  \.Q you,  and  not  to  me; 

So  wake  and  know  those  friendships  all 

1  would  to  God  1  could  recall  ! 


194 


XIX 
OTHER  PEOPLE'S  DOGS 

WHEN  I  discovered  one  morning  that 
my  young  sunflowers  and  my  to 
mato  vines  had  been  cut  down  during  the 
night  by  some  lawless  depredator  I  was 
mightily  incensed.  I  had  not  supposed  that 
there  was  anybody  so  mean  as  to  commit 
such  a  wanton  destruction.  The  value  of 
the  property  destroyed  was  not  large;  I  had 
paid  but  five  cents  apiece  for  the  twenty  to 
mato  vines,  and  the  young  sunflowers  were 
a  present  from  Fadda  Pierce.  The  intrin 
sic  value  of  these  things  was  so  small  as 
to  cut  no  figure  in  my  mind,  but  having 
watched  the  graceful  creatures  wax  large  and 
comely  from  mere  sprouts  it  was  quite  nat 
ural  that  I  should  have  a  strong  sentimental 
attachment  for  them.  For  the  fruit  of  the 
tomato  vine  I  care  nothing,  but  I  had  with 

'95 


THE   HOUSE 

much  satisfaction  pictured  the  enjoyment 
which  Alice  and  the  children  would  derive 
from  the  luscious  tomatoes  which  I  flattered 
myself  were  to  ripen  upon  our  own  vines 
under  the  genial  August  sun. 

Moreover,  I  had  already  made  up  a  list  of 
the  names  of  city  friends  to  whom  I  intend 
ed  to  send  handsome  specimens  of  these  first 
fruits  of  my  experiments  in  farming;  the 
Reillys,  the  Lynches,  the  Chapins,  the  Max 
wells,  the  Scotts,  the  Fayes,  the  Deweys,  the 
Morrises,  the  Millards,  the  Larneds,  the  Flet 
chers,  the  Ways — these  and  other  fortu- 
tunate  cronies  were  to  be  made  recipients 
of  my  bounty  in  case  the  fruit  held  out.  I 
will  say  nothing  of  the  pleasing  future  I  de 
picted  for  the  sunflowers ;  the  sunflower  is  a 
particular  favorite  of  mine,  presumably  be 
cause  it  is  one  of  the  very  few  flowers  I  am 
capable  of  identifying. 

My  impulse,  when  beholding  the  tomato 
vines  and  sunflowers  cut  down  in  the  inno 
cence  of  youth,  was  to  determine  not  to  pur 
sue  gardening  further.  To  this  mood  suc 
ceeded  a  fit  of  anger,  and  I  was  so  outraged 
by  the  destruction  I  beheld  that  I  would 
196 


OTHER   PEOPLE'S   DOGS 

cheerfully  have  given  any  sum  of  money  I 
could  have  borrowed  of  my  neighbors  for 
information  leading  to  the  apprehension  of 
the  perpetrator  of  this  brutal  wrong. 

As  it  was,  I  wrote  out  an  offer  of  five  dol 
lars  reward  upon  a  sheet  of  letter  paper  and 
nailed  it  with  four  large  wire  nails  to  a  maple 
tree  in  front  of  the  place,  where  all  passers- 
by  could  see  and  read  it.  Later  in  the  day  I 
went  to  tell  Fadda  Pierce  of  the  trouble 
which  had  befallen  me,  and  he  consoled  me 
with  the  assurance  that  the  work  of  destruc 
tion  had  been  wrought  —  not  by  a  human 
being,  as  I  had  surmised,  but  by  cutworms, 
a  kind  of  reptile  that  plies  its  nefarious  trade 
between  two  days  for  no  other  apparent 
purpose  than  that  of  making  gentlemen  far 
mers  like  myself  miserable. 

Fadda  Pierce  told  me  that  Paris  green  was 
an  effective  antidote  against  these  destruc 
tive  worms,  and  I  have  ordered  a  barrel  of  it 
from  the  city.  I  intend  to  spread  a  layer  of 
this  Paris  green  over  all  our  flower  and  vege 
table  beds;  the  contrast  thus  presented  to 
the  dull,  sere  brown  of  our  lawn  will  be 
very  pleasing  to  the  eye.  In  fact,  I  am  not 
197 


THE   HOUSE 

sure  that  it  would  not  be  cheaper  to  color 
our  whole  lawn  with  Paris  green  than  to  at 
tempt  to  revive  it  with  water,  which  can  be 
used  with  legal  liberality  only  between  the 
first  of  November  and  the  first  of  May. 

By  way  of  illustrating  what  a  mockery  our 
national  Department  of  Agriculture  is,  I  will 
say  that  I  wrote  to  Secretaty  Morton  about 
the  cutworms  and  asked  that  he  suggest  an 
antidote  against  the  same.  Although  five 
weeks  have  elapsed  since  I  dispatched  that 
letter  1  have  had  no  word  of  any  kind  from 
the  Department  of  Agriculture.  I  feel  the 
slight  all  the  more  keenly  because  I  am  a 
personal  acquaintance  of  Secretary  Morton's, 
having  been  introduced  to  and  shaken 
hands  with  him  at  the  quadrennial  conven 
tion  of  the  Western  Academy  of  Science  at 
Omaha  in  1884.  Prompt  attention  to  my 
letter  was  due  on  the  score  of  old  friendship. 
The  Secretary  of  Agriculture  will  recognize 
his  error  in  offending  me  if  ever  he  becomes 
a  candidate  for  the  presidency.  Reuben  Ba 
ker  never  forgets  an  affront. 

But,  though  my  sunflowers  and  my  to 
mato  vines  suffered  as  I  have  narrated,  my 
.98 


OTHER   PEOPLE'S   DOGS 

potatoes  were  doing  finely.  The  potato 
patch  is  located  in  the  back  yard,  near  the 
poplar  trees;  it  is  in  the  shape  of  the  Big 
Dipper,  and  I  took  the  precaution  to  plant 
the  potatoes  in  the  new  of  the  moon.  The 
first  planting  never  amounted  to  anything, 
for  the  reason  that  I  peeled  them  and  cut  out 
the  eyes  before  putting  them  in  their  hills.  I 
learned  subsequently  that  this  was  as  fatal  a 
course  as  it  were  possible  to  pursue.  You 
must  never  peel  potatoes  or  cut  out  their 
eyes  if  you  want  them  to  grow.  I  do  not 
know  why  this  is  so,  but  it  is.  At  any  rate, 
the  second  crop  I  planted  was  a  success. 
Every  day  I  dug  down  into  the  hills  to  see 
how  the  potatoes  were  progressing,  and  I 
was  thus  enabled  to  keep  track  of  the  devel 
opment  of  the  tender  fruit. 

My  young  friend  Budd  Taylor  provided 
me  with  a  dozen  ears  of  seed  popcorn  which 
I  planted  in  a  warm,  bright  spot  and  which 
soon  bristled  up  in  splendid  style.  I  think 
it  likely  that,  but  for  the  birds,  I  should  have 
had  a  crop  of  popcorn  sufficient  to  supply 
the  Chicago  market,  for  I  never  before  saw 
anything  like  that  corn  for  luxuriance  and 

'99 


THE   HOUSE 

thrift.  How  the  birds  ever  found  out  about 
it  will  doubtless  remain  a  mystery. 

The  birds  I  refer  to  proved  to  be  black 
birds,  although  for  a  time  I  mistook  them 
for  young  crows.  One  morning  1  detected 
about  three  dozen  of  the  poaching  rogues 
stalking  through  the  grass  in  the  direction 
of  my  corn-patch,  and,  almost  before  I  knew 
it,  the  feathered  rascals  had  played  havoc 
with  my  promising  crop  of  popcorn.  Then 
I  remembered  that  I  had  read  and  seen  pic 
tures  in  books  of  scarecrows;  so  I  dressed 
up  a  figure  and  set  it  up  near  the  corn 
patch.  It  was  really  a  very  good  counterfeit 
of  a  man,  as  indeed  it  ought  to  have  been, 
for  the  clothing  I  used  was  far  from  ragged, 
and  Alice  had  been  intending  to  send  it  to  a 
poor  relative  of  hers  in  Nebraska. 

The  night  after  I  had  set  up  this  lay  figure 
in  the  yard  a  policeman  came  along  Claren 
don  Avenue  for  the  first  time  in  his  profes 
sional  career.  He  espied  the  figure  in  the 
yard  and  at  once  mistook  it  for  a  thief  who 
had  come  to  steal  our  lawn  hose.  With  a 
gallantry  and  with  a  devotion  to  duty  which 
cannot  be  too  highly  commended,  the  in- 


OTHER   PEOPLE'S   DOGS 

trepid  policeman  opened  fire  with  his  re 
volver  and  put  seven  holes  through  the 
scarecrow  before  he  discovered  his  mistake. 

The  cannonading  awakened  Major  Ryson, 
one  of  the  nearest  neighbors,  and  that  dis 
creet  gentleman  immediately  set  his  bull  ter 
rier  loose.  This  sagacious  but  vindictive 
animal  bore  down  upon  the  scene  of  action 
and  treed  the  policeman  the  first  thing. 
Having  expended  all  his  ammunition  upon 
the  lay  figure,  the  policeman  had  no  means  of 
interchanging  compliments  with  his  assailant, 
and  was  therefore  compelled  to  spend  the 
night  in  a  willow.  Meanwhile  the  bull  ter 
rier  encountered  the  scarecrow,  and,  mis 
taking  it  for  a  human  being,  soon  tore  that 
unfortunate  object  into  ten  thousand  pieces. 
Next  day  our  lawn  was  literally  strewn  with 
straw  and  buttons  and  remnants  of  what 
had  once  been  a  very  decent  suit  of  clothes. 

This  reference  to  Major  Ryson's  bull  terrier 
reminds  me  of  the  visit  which  the  Baylors'  dog 
paid  to  our  new  premises.  The  Baylors'  dog 
is  a  St.  Bernard  about  a  year  old  and  weigh 
ing  one  hundred  and  seventy-five  pounds. 
Most  of  the  time  this  amiable  leviathan  is 


THE   HOUSE 

confined  in  the  Baylors'  back  yard,  a  spot 
hardly  large  enough  to  admit  of  the  levia 
than's  turning  around  in  it.  The  evening  to 
which  I  refer  the  Baylors  made  a  pilgrimage 
to  our  new  house  for  the  purpose  of  ascer 
taining  whether  we  had  put  in  a  copper 
kitchen  sink  or  a  galvanized  iron  one.  I 
can't  imagine  what  possessed  them  to  do 
it,  but  they  took  the  St.  Bernard  with  them. 
The  sense  of  freedom  which  this  playful  beast 
felt  upon  being  let  loose  in  our  extensive 
yard  proved  wholly  uncontrollable,  and 
while  the  Baylors  were  investigating  the 
sink  question  the  amiable  leviathan  galli 
vanted  about  the  premises  with  that  ele 
phantine  exuberance  which  is  to  be  ex 
pected  of  a  St.  Bernard  one  year  old  and 
weighing  one  hundred  and  seventy-five 
pounds.  Adah  (who  has  an  eye  to  the  beau 
tiful)  had  planted  a  vast  number  of  nastur 
tiums  and  red  geraniums,  and  under  one  of 
the  oak  trees  had  trained  numerous  graceful, 
dainty  vines,  which,  as  I  recall,  are  known 
to  horticultural  amateurs  as  'cobies. 

In  the  twinkling  of  an   eye  the   Baylor 
leviathan  swept  these  blossoming  innocents 


OTHER   PEOPLE'S   DOGS 

out  of  existence,  and  in  other  twinklings  he 
wrought  desolation  among  the  peonies,  the 
pansies,  and  other  floral  objects  upon  which 
the  women  folk  had  lavished  a  wealth  of  pa 
tient  care.  A  bull  in  a  china-shop  could 
hardly  create  the  havoc  which  the  Baylor 
pup,  with  his  one  hundred  and  seventy-five 
pounds  of  animal  spirits,  wrought  in  our 
lawn.  Next  morning  the  lawn  looked  as 
if  it  had  been  honored  with  a  nocturnal  visi 
tation  from  Burr  Robbins'  galaxy  of  domes 
ticated  wild  beasts. 

Curiously  enough,  the  Baylors  thought  it 
was  very  funny.  I  don't  know  why  it  is, 
but  it  can't  be  denied  that  it  is  a  fact  that  those 
acts  which  in  other  people's  pups  strike  us 
as  strangely  improper,  become  in  our  own 
pups  the  most  natural  and  most  mirth-pro 
voking  performances  in  the  world.  I  recall 
the  anger  with  which  neighbor  Baylor  drove 
neighbor  Macleod's  mastiff  off  his  porch  one 
evening  because  that  mastiff  attempted  to 
make  his  way  through  the  screen  door  be 
hind  which  the  family  cat  was  visible.  In 
this  instance  the  Macleod  mastiff  was  simply 
following  the  predominating  instinct  of  the 
203 


THE    HOUSE 

canine  kind,  and  neighbor  Baylor  hated  the 
unreasonable  beast  for  it.  Yet  I  '11  warrant 
me  that  while  his  own  lubberly  pup  was 
prancing  around  over  our  flowerbeds  neigh 
bor  Baylor  regarded  the  performance  as  the 
most  cunning  and  most  charming  divertise- 
ment  in  the  world. 

It  is  much  the  same  way  with  children. 
If  I  were  put  upon  oath,  I  should  have  to  ad 
mit  that  the  very  same  antics  which  I  regard 
as  most  seemly  (not  to  say  fascinating)  in  my 
own  pretty  little  darlings  I  do  not  approve 
of  at  all  when  I  see  them  attempted  by  the 
awkward,  homely  children  of  my  neigh 
bors. 


204 


XX 


THERE  is  no  telling  to  what  unparalleled 
extent  I  should  have  carried  my  agri 
cultural  work  but  for  a  happening  which  in 
terrupted  my  career  in  that  direction  and 
temporarily  invalidated  me  for  the  perform 
ance  of  all  manual  labor.  To  make  short  of 
a  long  and  painful  story,  I  will  tell  you  at 
once  that  in  the  very  midst  of  my  agricultu 
ral  triumphs  I  was  rudely  awakened  to  a 
realization  of  the  fact  that  I  had  been  badly 
poisoned  by  ivy.  The  luxuriant  growth  in 
one  part  of  our  lawn  which  in  my  innocence 
I  had  mistaken  for  infant  oak  trees  and  had 
nurtured  with  great  assiduity  proved  to  be 
the  poison  vine  which  is  shunned  alike  of 
knowing  man  and  beast. 

The  truth  about  this  insiduous  plant  was 
not  revealed  to  me  until  after  the  harm  was 
done.     I  awoke  one  night  to  find  my  hands 
205 


THE   HOUSE 

and  wrists  afflicted  with  so  pestiferous  an 
itching  that  it  verily  seemed  to  me  as  if  the 
points  often  thousand  thousand  hot  needles 
were  being  thrust  into  my  cuticle.  There 
are  no  words  capable  of  expressing  how 
torturesome this  affliction  is;  to  my  physical 
suffering  there  was  added  a  distinct  mental 
disquietude  arising  from  a  sense  of  injustice 
that  nature,  supposed  to  be  so  benignant  to 
her  friends,  should  have  punished  me  so 
grievously  for  having  sought  to  cultivate  and 
foster  her  arts. 

1  was  shocked,  too,  to  discover  that  my 
misfortune  awakened  no  feeling  of  sym 
pathy  in  others;  nay,  my  neighbors  seemed 
to  regard  it  rather  as  a  joke  that  I,  a  scien 
tist  of  no  mean  ability  (if  I  do  say  it  myself), 
should  have  fallen  victim  to  the  commonest 
and  most  vicious  of  all  destroyers  of  human 
happiness.  The  amount  of  badinage,  sar 
casm,  and  irony  indulged  in  by  these  unfeel 
ing  folk  at  the  expense  of  "Farmer"  Baker 
(as  they  now  jocosely  dubbed  me)  would 
fill  a  royal  octavo  volume.  I  assure  you  that 
I  regarded  this  species  of  humor  as  imperti 
nent  to  the  degree  of  atrocity. 
206 


I   ACQUIRE   POISON   AND   EXPERIENCE 

My  family  physician,  Dr.  Hodges,  pre 
scribed  several  vials  of  pellets  which  bore  a 
striking  resemblance  to  one  another,  but 
whose  virtues  I  was  solemnly  assured  de 
pended  wholly  upon  my  strict  observance 
of  the  or  do  of  their  administration  internally, 
which  ordo  may  have  been  simple  and  clear 
enough  to  Dr.  Hodges,  but  was  to  me  as 
intricate  and  complicated  as  a  Bradshaw 
railway  guide.  Furthermore,  having  ascer 
tained  by  artful  inquiry  what  viands  and 
beverages  I  particularly  liked,  Dr.  Hodges 
strictly  forbade  my  indulgence  in  them,  and 
such  articles  of  food  and  drink  as  I  was  partic 
ularly  averse  to  he  recommended  for  my  diet. 

Meanwhile  I  was  meeting  constantly  with 
people  who  had  been  afflicted  with  ivy  pois 
oning,  and  these  kind,  cheery  souls  en 
couraged  me  with  recitals  of  their  expe 
riences.  I  was  told  that  it  took  seven  years 
for  ivy  poison  to  get  out  of  the  system ;  that 
every  year  during  the  ivy  season  (whatever 
that  may  mean)  there  would  be  a  recurrence 
of  this  pestiferous  eruption,  sometimes  in 
one  part  of  the  body,  sometimes  in  another, 
and  not  unfrequently  upon  the  whole  sur- 
207 


THE   HOUSE 

face.  There  were,  of  course,  numerous 
nostrums  warranted  to  allay  the  fiery  ting 
ling  and  maddening  stinging  of  the  malady, 
and,  as  I  cheerfully  adopted  every  sugges 
tion  that  came  to  my  ears,  I  was  presently 
stocked  up  with  enough  salves  and  solutions 
to  fill  an  apothecary-shop,  and  my  associates 
began  to  complain  that  I  was  as  redolent  of 
odors  as  a  chemical  laboratory.  Naturally 
enough,  therefore,  I  became  morbid  and  de 
spondent,  and  began  to  regard  myself  as  a 
mercilessly  afflicted  and  shunned  thing. 

But  amid  all  this  trouble  there  came  to 
me  one  big,  bright  ray  of  satisfaction.  I  re 
membered  that,  when  Alice  took  out  a  life 
policy  with  neighbor  Treese  Smith,  I  also 
took  out  an  accident  policy  with  the  same 
gentleman  in  the  Wabash  Mutual  Internecine 
Association  of  Indiana.  There  was,  as  you 
can  well  understand,  a  heap  of  consolation  in 
the  thought  that  no  matter  how  little  or  how 
much  or  how  long  I  suffered,  the  Wabash 
concern  would  have  to  pay  for  it.  As  I  re 
collected,  the  insurance  was  fifty  dollars  a 
week  during  incapacity  for  work.  If,  there 
fore,  the  ivy  poison  remained  in  my  system 
208 


I   ACQUIRE   POISON   AND   EXPERIENCE 

seven  years,  the  amount  of  insurance  due 
me  would  be — let  me  see: 

Seven  years  —  three  hundred  and  sixty- 
four  weeks. 

Three  hundred  and  sixty-four  weeks  at 
fifty  dollars  per  week  —  eighteen  thousand 
two  hundred  dollars. 

This  was,  indeed,  a  considerable  sum  of 
money !  I  began  to  understand  that,  viewed 
from  a  purely  business  standpoint,  my  afflic 
tion  might  become  financially  profitable.  It 
even  occurred  to  me  that  in  case  the  Wabash 
company  paid  promptly,  and  I  got  used  to 
the  tearing  ebullitions  of  the  ivy  poison,  I 
might  contrive  to  get  a  renewal  of  the  mal 
ady  at  the  end  of  the  first  seven  years.  I 
wondered  that,  with  this  opportunity  of  get 
ting  rich  cum  otio  et  cum  dignitate,  there 
were  so  many  poor  people  in  the  world; 
however,  I  mentally  resolved  not  to  discover 
my  shrewd  plan  to  anybody  else. 

When  I  called  upon  neighbor  Treese  Smith 
I  was  prudent  enough  to  let  him  know  that 
I  probably  had  the  worst  case  of  ivy  poison 
ing  ever  heard  of,  and  with  more  than  com 
mon  pride  I  exhibited  to  him  my  hands  and 
209 


THE   HOUSE 

wrists  in  confirmation  of  my  claims.  Mr. 
Smith  (whom  you  already  know  as  a  man 
of  tender  feelings  and  broad  sympathies)  ex 
pressed  himself  as  being  very  sorry  for  me, 
and  he  asked  me  if  I  had  tried  certain  reme 
dies,  which  he  named. 

As  it  was  another  kind  of  remedy  I  was 
after,  I  adroitly  led  the  conversation  up  to 
the  proper  point,  and  then  I  intimated  that 
it  would  not  harrow  up  my  feelings  if  I  were 
tendered  a  payment  on  account  of  my  acci 
dent  policy  in  the  Wabash  Mutual  Internecine 
Association  of  Indiana.  I  liked  Smith,  and 
I  felt  that  I  ought  to  be  candid  with  him.  I 
told  him  that  it  was  pretty  generally  agreed 
by  the  medical  profession  that  when  a  per 
son  once  got  a  dose  of  poison  ivy  it  remained 
in  his  system  for  seven  years,  during  which 
period  it  worked  its  baleful  offices  off  and  on 
with  varying  malignance.  I  recognized  the 
fact  that  I  had  a  valid  claim  on  the  Wabash 
company  for  fifty  dollars  a  week  for  seven 
years;  that  the  total  amount  of  money  due 
or  paid  me  by  said  company  at  the  end  of  the 
natural  life  of  the  ivy  poison  would  be  a  trifle 
over  eighteen  thousand  dollars.  I  told  Mr. 


I   ACQUIRE   POISON   AND   EXPERIENCE 

Smith  that  I  was  not  disposed  to  take  advan 
tage  of  or  to  be  too  hard  on  the  Wabash  com 
pany,  and  that,  being  naturally  of  a  conser 
vative  disposition,  I  was  willing  to  compro 
mise  this  matter  for  —  say  —  well  —  ten 
thousand  dollars,  and  cancel  the  policy. 

Mr.  Smith  answered  me  in  the  tone  and 
with  the  manner  of  one  who  is  seeking  to 
break  bad  news  gradually  and  gently  to  an 
other. 

"  It  is  painfully  clear  to  me,"  said  the  kind, 
sympathetic  man,  "that  you  have  not  read 
the  conditions  upon  which  your  accident 
policy  is  issued  to  you.  I  fear  that  when  you 
come  to  examine  it  more  carefully  you  will 
learn  that  in  this  case  you  have  no  claims 
upon  our  company  —  or,  perhaps,  I  should 
say  the  company,  since  I  am  merely  its  agent 
and  have  nothing  to  do  with  the  framing  of 
its  contracts." 

"  I  have  the  instrument  with  me,"  said  I, 
producing  the  policy.  "  I  have  read  it  care 
fully  and  understand  it  fully.  It  is  a  simple, 
short,  straightforward  document,  and  the 
type  is  so  big  and  clear  that  even  a  child  could 
read  it." 


THE    HOUSE 

"Alas,"  said  Mr.  Smith,  with  a  sigh,  "I 
fear  you  have  not  read  the  conditions;  you 
will  find  them  on  the  other  side  of  the  sheet, 
printed  in  small  type." 

I  turned  the  page,  and  surely  enough  there 
were  a  number  of  paragraphs  under  the  title 
of  "The  Conditions";  they  were  printed  in 
small  type  and  pale-blue  ink. 

"  But  what  have  'conditions'  to  do  with 
this  case?"  I  asked.  "  I  got  insured  in  the 
Wabash  Mutual  Internecine  company  against 
accident,  and  here  I  've  had  an  accident!  Ivy 
poison  is  as  severe  an  accident  as  can  happen 
to  any  animal,  except,  perhaps,  an  alligator 
or  a  rhinoceros,  and  I  think  I  'm  entitled  to 
my  money." 

"You  are  quite  right  from  your  stand 
point, "  said  Mr.  Smith,  "but  it  is  not  the 
correct  standpoint.  You  are  insured  (as  you 
will  see  by  referring  to  your  policy)  as  an  A 
No.  i  risk.  Turn  to  the  conditions,  and  you 
will  observe  that  our  A  No.  i  risks  are  insured 
against  accident  by  lightning  only.  If,  now, 
you  had  been  struck  by  lightning  instead  of 
by  ivy,  and  if  the  subtle  electric  fluid  had 
impaired  your  physical  economy,  or  imparted 


I   ACQUIRE   POISON   AND   EXPERIENCE 

to  your  veins  any  noxious  rheum  or  any 
venom  wherefrom  either  temporary  or  per 
manent  harm  or  disquietude  accrued  to  you, 
then  you  would  have  a  legal  and  just  claim 
against  our  —  I  mean  the  company." 

"But  I  supposed  I  was  insured  against 
every  kind  of  accident,"  said  I.  "When  it 
comes  to  getting  pay  for  an  accident,  a  dis 
location  of  a  toe  is  quite  as  desirable,  in  my 
opinion,  as  a  broken  neck." 

"Ah,  but  insurance  companies  must  dif 
ferentiate,"  said  Mr.  Smith.  "There  are  so 
many  kinds  of  accidents  that  it  is  abso 
lutely  necessary  to  have  grades  and  classes 
and  differences  and  distinctions.  You  are 
insured  against  lightning:  you  belong  to  A 
No.  i.  If  you  were  insured  against  a  broken 
leg  you  would  be  in  X  No.  2,  or  against  a 
sprained  wrist  in  H  No.  3.  My  recollection 
is  that  our  policies  of  insurance  against  poison 
ivy  are  written  in  CLNo.  4,  but  I  am  not 
positive.  If,  however,  you  care  to  profit  by 
this  annoying  experience  and  desire  to  insure 
against  ivy  poison,  I  will  look  the  matter  up 
the  first  thing  to-morrow  and  write  you  out 
a  policy  at  once.  In  your  case  the  policy 
213 


THE   HOUSE 

should  be  made  out  for  a  period  of  fourteen 
years,  since  your  present  dose  of  poison  will 
not  lose  its  efficacy  for  seven  years,  and  that 
will  render  insurance  taken  after  the  fact 
inoperative." 

There  was  a  heavy  thunder  shower  the 
next  day,  and  I  stood  out  in  it  all  the  time 
in  the  hope  of  getting  a  chance  to  claim  re 
muneration  from  the  Wabash  Mutual  Inter 
necine  Association.  But  the  lightning  dodged 
me  as  if  I  had  been  a  sacred  and  charmed 
object.  I  made  up  my  mind  that  it  was  folly 
to  try  to  get  even  with  the  insurance  concern, 
and  since  a  farming  career  was  now  closed 
against  me,  1  determined  to  devote  my  spare 
time  to  watching  the  progress  of  affairs  inside 
our  new  house  and  to  cooperate  with  Alice 
and  Adah  and  our  feminine  neighbors  in 
their  herculean  task  of  "having  things  as 
they  should  be." 


214 


XXI 
WITH   PLUMBERS  AND   PAINTERS 

IT  did  not  take  me  long  to  find  out  that, 
in  the  treatment  of  the  interior  of  the  new 
house,  Alice  had  fallen  a  victim  to  the  in 
fluence  of  the  Denslow-Baylor-Maria  schools. 
I  was  not  much  surprised  by  this  discovery, 
for  I  !had  known  for  some  time  that  Alice 
regarded  the  Denslows  and  the  Baylors  as 
people  of  rare  taste,  and  it  was  quite  natural 
(as  every  unprejudiced  person  will  allow) 
that,  associating  with  Adah  continually  and 
being  bound  to  her  by  ties  of  consanguinity, 
Alice  should  be  susceptible  to  Adah's  horta- 
tions,  incitements,  impulsations,  and  instiga 
tions. 

At  any  rate,  I  found  that  our  new  house 

was  to  be  a  conspicuous  intermingling  and 

interblending  of  the  Denslow,  Baylor,  and 

Maria  styles  of  architecture.     The  big  front 

215 


THE   HOUSE 

room  downstairs,  the  library,  was  distinctly 
Denslowish,  and  so  was  the  big  front  room 
up-stairs,  as  well  as  the  butler's  pantry  and 
the  reception-room.  The  Baylor  influence 
manifested  itself  in  the  spare  bedroom  and 
the  dining-room,  and  the  Maria  influence 
(thanks  to  Adah)  was  clearly  exhibited  in 
the  front  and  side  porches,  in  my  bedroom, 
and  in  the  several  hallways.  Alice  insisted 
that  the  house  was  to  be  strictly  old  colonial 
and  also  requested  me  to  speak  of  it  as  such 
in  the  presence  of  visitors,  particulary  in  the 
hearing  of  her  relatives  from  the  country 
when  they  came  into  the  city  next  Septem 
ber  to  do  their  winter  buying. 

In  my  fancy  I  can  already  picture  the  dear 
girl  putting  on  airs  with  those  guileless  rural 
folk  who  know  no  more  about  the  architec 
tural  and  the  decorative  arts  than  an  unclouted 
Patagonian  knows  of  the  four  houses  of  the 
Jesuitical  order.  Nor  do  I  know  much  about 
those  things,  and  I  am  glad  that  I  do  not,  for 
if  I  had  devoted  my  early  years  of  study  to 
plinths,  architraves,  columns,  dados,  friezes, 
pediments,  sconces,  wainscots,  cornices, 
capitals,  entablatures,  and  such  like,  how 
=  16 


WITH   PLUMBERS   AND   PAINTERS 

could  I  have  originated  my  theory  of  star- 
drift  and  how  would  humanity  have  been 
enlightened  upon  the  all-important  subjects 
of  the  asteroids,  the  satellites  of  the  star 
Gamma  in  Scorpio,  the  atmosphere  on  the 
other  side  of  the  moon,  the  depth  of  the 
Martian  bottle-neck  seas,  the  probability  of 
the  existence  of  natural  gas  wells  in  Jupiter, 
etc.,  etc.  ?  If  I  had  been  a  Linnseus  or  a 
Buffon  instead  of  Reuben  Baker,  I  should 
have  never  suffered  myself  to  fall  an  innocent 
victim  to  poison  ivy  —  yes,  that  is  true,  but 
at  the  same  time  my  now  famous  theory  of 
double  stars  and  my  equally  famous  theory 
as  to  the  several  elements  in  comets'  tails 
would  have  been  denied  to  the  world.  No 
one  man  can  combine  within  himself  all  hu 
man  genius;  in  all  modesty  I  declare  myself 
satisfied  with  being  simply  Reuben  Baker. 

While  I  devoted  my  attention  to  out-of- 
door  affairs  —  by  which  I  mean  care  of  the 
lawn, of  the  flower-beds,  and  of  the  vegetable 
patches  —  I  had  a  comparatively  tranquil  ex 
istence.  Having  transferred  the  base  of  my 
operations  (or  perhaps  I  should  say  my  ob 
servations)  indoors,  1  found  numerous  dis- 
217 


THE   HOUSE 

agreements  and  misunderstandings  to  distract 
me.  I  was  not  long  in  finding  out  that  there 
were  two  factions  (so  to  speak)  in  charge  of 
the  department  of  the  interior.  Parties  of  the 
first  part  were  Alice  and  all  our  feminine 
neighbors;  party  of  the  second  part  was 
Uncle  Si. 

You  see,  there  had  never  been  anything 
more  explicit  than  a  verbal  understanding 
between  Uncle  Si  and  Alice;  the  two  had 
talked  the  matter  all  over  at  the  start,  and 
they  agreed  upon  every  theory  so  nicely  that 
I  do  not  wonder  they  decided  that  a  written 
contract  was  not  necessary.  Uncle  Si  did 
some  figuring  which  resulted  in  his  saying 
that  he  would  reconstruct  the  old  house  and 
build  an  addition  for  the  even  sum  of  two 
thousand  dollars.  Very  few  specifications 
were  made,  but  there  was  a  pretty  clear 
verbal  understanding  reached,  and  the  con 
sequence  was  as  distinct  a  misunderstanding 
as  the  work  progressed.  Most  of  the  trouble 
was  over  the  detail  of  hardwood.  Alice  was 
sure  that  Uncle  Si  had  agreed  to  put  in  hard 
wood  floors  and  trimmings  throughout ; 
Uncle  Si  expostulated  that  he  had  never 
218 


WITH    PLUMBERS   AND    PAINTERS 

thought  of  so  preposterous  a  project,  since  it 
would  have  bankrupted  him  as  sure  as  his 
name  was  Silas  Plum. 

The  result  was  that  Alice  never  went  near 
the  new  house  that  she  did  not  groan  and 
moan  and  declare  that  Georgia  pine  was 
simply  the  horridest  wood  in  all  the  world, 
while,  upon  the  other  hand,  Uncle  Si  speedily 
came  to  regard  Alice  as  an  arch  enemy  who 
was  seeking  to  trick  and  impoverish  him. 
The  neighbors  sided  with  Alice,  of  course. 
They  freely  expressed  the  conviction  that 
Uncle  Si  and  all  other  contractors  would  bear 
constant  watching.  It  is  perhaps  needless 
for  me  to  add  that  Uncle  Si  regarded  all 
neighbors  as  impertinent  and  mischievous 
intermeddlers. 

I  will  confess  that  of  all  the  workmen 
about  the  place  the  plumbers  interested  me 
most.  They  came  late  and  quit  early,  and 
much  of  the  intervening  time  was  spent  in 
asking  one  another  questions  and  in  ordering 
one  another  about.  No  tool  was  at  hand 
when  it  was  required.  If  the  pliers  were 
needed  the  whole  gang  of  plumbers  stopped 
work  to  hunt  for  the  missing  instrument, 
219 


THE   HOUSE 

which  was  sometimes  found  in  one  remote 
spot  and  sometimes  in  another  —  never 
where  it  should  have  been.  I  have  a  theory 
that  for  reasons  best  known  to  themselves 
plumbers  make  a  practice  of  mislaying  and 
losing  their  tools. 

I  supposed  that  having  once  begun  their 
work  these  plumbers  would  push  it  to  com 
pletion.  I  never  undertake  anything  that  I 
do  not  keep  at  it  until  it  is  done  and  finished, 
and  I  think  that  this  rule  obtains  among  most 
of  the  professions  and  trades.  Plumbers 
seem,  however,  to  be  a  privileged  class. 
They  come  to  your  premises  and  spend  an 
hour  or  two  examining  what  is  to  be  done; 
then  they  go  away.  When  they  get  ready 
to  come  back  they  return — this  time  with 
a  miniature  furnace  and  whatever  tools  they 
do  not  require.  Then  they  go  away  to 
bring  the  tools  they  need,  leaving  the  tools 
they  do  not  require  for  a  pretext  for  another 
trip.  Then  they  take  turns  at  suggesting 
how  the  proposed  work  should  be  done, 
and  one  after  another  they  get  down  upon 
their  knees  and  peer  into  closets  and  holes 
and  under  floors  and  into  dark  places,  after 


WITH   PLUMBERS   AND   PAINTERS 

which  some  of  them  go  back  to  the  "shop," 
for  more  things,  while  the  others  either  sit 
around  doing  nothing  or  busy  themselves  at 
losing  and  mislaying  the  tools  they  have  al 
ready  at  hand. 

Uncle  Si,  who  is  an  authority  on  the  sub 
ject,  says  that  there  never  was  a  plumber 
who  died  of  overwork  or  in  the  poorhouse. 
He  tells  me  that  he  once  knew  of  a  plumber 
named  Bilkins  who  fell  dead  of  heart  disease 
one  day  when  he  discovered  that  he  had 
worked  four  minutes  overtime. 

The  boss  painter  was  another  individual 
who  excited  my  astonishment.  I  never 
knew  another  man  so  fertile  in  the  art  of 
prevarication.  Mr.  Krome  would  rather  lie 
than  eat  —  at  any  rate,  he  would  rather  lie 
than  paint.  He  never  neglected  to  come 
over  twice  a  day  and  take  a  long  and  careful 
survey  of  the  house. 

"  I  reckon  you  're  about  ready  for  us,  eh  ?  " 
he  'd  ask. 

"  We  're  waiting  on  you,"  Uncle  Si  would 
say. 

"  Then  I  '11  have  to  put  my  gang  at  work 
in  the  mornin',"  he  would  answer.  This 


THE   HOUSE 

performance  was  repeated  again  and  again, 
but  the  "gang "we  looked  for  did  not 
come.  I  remonstrated  against  this  seeming 
neglect,  but  Mr.  Krome  blandly  assured  me 
that  when  his  men  did  once  get  to  work 
they  would  push  the  job  with  incredible 
speed.  I  knew  he  was  a  liar,  yet  I  always 
believed  the  fellow. 

We  gave  him  the  glazing  to  do.  We  even 
accommodated  him  to  the  extent  of  sending 
the  window  frames  to  his  shop  instead  of 
making  him  haul  them  himself.  We  did 
this  out  of  no  special  regard  for  Mr.  Krome, 
for,  aside  from  pure  selfish  considerations, 
Mr.  Krome  is  no  more  to  us  than  we  are  to 
Hecuba;  but  we  desired  to  facilitate  him  in 
the  work  he  had  engaged  to  do  for  us. 

After  the  window  frames  had  been  at  the 
fellow's  shop  a  fortnight,  I  began  to  suggest 
that  their  return  would  gratify  me  to  the  de 
gree  of  rapture.  Mr.  Krome  put  us  off  with 
one  excuse  and  another  (all  equally  plausible) 
and  presently  a  month  had  rolled  by.  Like 
the  man  in  the  fable  who  tried  brickbats 
when  kind  words  were  no  longer  of  avail,  1 
threatened  to  turn  the  work  of  glazing  over 


WITH   PLUMBERS   AND   PAINTERS 

to  another  glazier  who  was  not  so  busy 
with  his  lying  as  to  prevent  him  from  at 
tending  to  the  duties  of  his  legitimate  trade. 
This  served  as  a  mild  remedy,  for  the  win 
dow  frames  presently  began  to  arrive  one 
at  a  time,  and  I  actually  felt  like  calling  upon 
our  pastor  for  a  special  service  of  praise  and 
thanksgiving  when  finally  those  windows 
were  all  in  place. 

The  one  thing  that  Alice,  the  neighbors, 
Uncle  Si,  and  I  were  amicably  agreed  upon 
was  the  opinion  that  Mr.  Krome,  for  a  boss 
painter,  was  not  worth  the  powder  to  blow 
him  off  the  face  of  the  earth.  I  felt  tempted 
to  tell  him  so,  but  he  was  at  all  times  so 
amiable  and  so  chatty  that  I  really  could  not 
find  the  heart  to  mention  a  matter  likely  to 
interrupt  the  flow  of  his  good  nature.  The 
chances  are  that  Mr.  Krome  entertained 
much  the  same  opinion  of  Uncle  Si  that 
Uncle  Si  had  of  Mr.  Krome.  My  somewhat 
intimate  association  with  workingmen  for 
the  last  three  months  enables  me  to  say  that, 
so  far  as  I  have  been  able  to  observe,  work 
ingmen  often  have  a  precious  poor  opinion 
of  one  another.  The  plumbers  talk  of  the 


THE   HOUSE 

carpenters  as  lazy  and  shiftless,  the  painters 
speak  ill  of  the  plumbers,  the  carpenters  re 
gard  the  tinners  with  derision,  and  so  it  goes 
through  the  whole  category. 

Now  that  I  come  to  think  of  it,  I  am  com 
pelled  to  admit  that  this  practice  of  setting  a 
low  estimate  upon  the  endeavors  and  re 
sponsibilities  of  others  is  not  restricted  to  the 
workingman's  class.  I  blush  to  recall  how 
often  I  myself  have  envied  the  apparent  ease 
with  which  Belville  Rock  and  Bobbett  Doller 
stem  the  tide  of  human  affairs  while  I  labor 
on  and  on,  barely  eking  out  a  subsistence. 
So  far  as  I  can  see,  they  toil  not,  neither  do 
they  spin. 

The  chances  are,  on  the  other  hand,  that 
both  Belville  Rock  and  Colonel  Doller  re 
gard  me  as  the  luckiest  of  lazy  dogs,  who 
has  but  to  lie  on  his  back  and  look  at  sun, 
moon,  and  stars  to  earn  both  fame  and  for 
tune.  The  farmer's  candid  conviction  is 
that  the  city  man  is  a  fellow  who  does  no 
thing  and  gets  rich  at  it;  the  urban  resident 
is  quite  as  positive  that  the  farmer  habitually 
loafs  around  and  lets  God  do  the  rest.  The 
truth  of  this  whole  matter  is  that  all  human- 
224 


WITH   PLUMBERS   AND   PAINTERS 

ity  is  prone  to  discontentment  of  that  kind 
which  not  only  denies  happiness  to  oneself 
but  also  begrudges  others  the  happiness  they 
achieve. 

But  of  this  frailty  I  shall  speak  no  further; 
indeed,  I  do  not  understand  how  I  happened 
to  be  led  into  this  line  of  discourse,  for  it  is 
quite  at  a  tangent  with  the  subject  I  had  in 
mind  —  namely,  the  butler's  pantry. 


225 


XXII 
THE   BUTLER'S  PANTRY 

IN  the  good  old  days,  which  were,  of 
course,  the  days  when  you  and  I  were 
boys  and  girls  together  at  Biddeford,  Me., 
our  civilization  knew  nothing  of  that  miser 
able  invention  which  is  now  foisted  upon 
the  modern  house  under  the  name  of  butler's 
pantry.  In  those  good  old  days  we  used  to 
have  pantries  and  china  closets  and  butteries 
and  all  that  sort  of  thing,  and  people  were 
contented. 

At  the  present  time,  however,  civilization 
is  so  curiously  possessed  of  a  desire  to  ape 
the  customs  of  European  society  that  every 
kind  of  innovation  is  seized  upon  with  en 
thusiasm  and  without  any  apparent  regard 
for  the  derision  and  contempt  to  which  it  ren 
ders  us  liable.  In  my  opinion  (which  is 
226 


THE   BUTLER'S   PANTRY 

sustained  by  such  an  eminent  authority  as 
Lawyer  Miles)  the  butler's  pantry  without 
,the  butler  is  as  absurd  a  contrivance  as  a  car 
riage  without  a  horse  or  a  purse  without  gold 
or  silver  to  put  therein.  Yet  there  is  not,  I 
presume  to  say,  a  tenement  house  in  all  this 
city  that  has  not  its  butler's  pantry;  without 
this  adjunct  no  home  is  considered  complete, 
and  it  makes  no  difference  whether  "the  lady 
of  the  house  "  does  her  own  work  or  is  able 
to  employ  female  servants,  the  butler's  pantry 
is  a  sine  qua  non. 

1  told  Alice  that  I  regarded  a  butler's  pantry 
much  in  the  light  of  a  last  year's  bird's  nest, 
and  I  added  that  since  we  were  going  to  have 
a  butler's  pantry  minus  the  butler  I  supposed 
the  next  move  would  be  in  the  direction  of  a 
wine  cellar  minus  the  wine.  But  my  humor 
is  wholly  lost  upon  Alice;  since  she  began 
training  with  other  householders  that  superior 
woman  has  exhibited  a  strange  indifference 
to  my  suggestions  and  counsel. 

I  mentioned  Lawyer  Miles  a  moment  ago. 
This  gives  me  the  opportunity  of  saying  that 
my  sympathies  have  gone  out  with  enthusi 
asm  toward  that  gifted  man  ever  since  I  heard 
227 


THE   HOUSE 

him  remark,  not  very  long  ago,  that  he  liked 
to  have  things  cluttered  up  in  his  house.  I 
am  not  able  to  define  the  compound  "  clut- 
tered-up,"  but  it  conveys  to  my  mind  a 
meaning  that  is  perfectly  clear,  and  it  suggests 
conditions  which  are  pleasing  to  me.  I,  too, 
like  to  have  things  cluttered  up.  The  most 
dreadful  day  in  the  week  is,  to  my  thinking, 
Friday  —  not  because  we  invariably  have 
fried  fish  upon  that  day,  but  because  it  is  upon 
Friday  that  a  vandal  hired  girl  appears  in  my 
study  and,  under  the  direction  of  my  wife, 
proceeds  to  "put  things  in  shape."  Alice 
insists  that  I  am  not  orderly  or  methodical, 
yet  amid  all  the  so-called  disorder  of  my  study 
I  can  at  any  moment  lay  my  hands  upon  any 
chart  or  map  or  book  or  paper  I  require,  pro 
vided  everything  is  left  just  where  I  drop  it. 
My  doctrine  about  such  things  is  that  books 
and  charts  and  papers  were  made  for  use  and 
are  therefore  of  the  greatest  utility  when 
most  available.  When  I  am  at  work  I  like 
my  tools  around  me;  if  they  are  not  handy, 
my  work  is  interrupted,  and  an  interruption 
often  breaks  the  train  of  thought  and  renders 
impotent  or  at  least  mediocre  an  endeavor 
228 


THE   BUTLER'S   PANTRY 

which  elsewise  would  be  excellent.  In  their 
ambition  to  "put  things  in  shape,"  and  to 
give  me  an  object  lesson  in  order  and  method, 
Alice  and  her  vandal  hired  girl  hide  my  tools 
of  trade,  disposing  of  my  books,  papers,  and 
pens,  and  even  of  my  slippers,  in  such  inge 
nious  wise  as  to  keep  me  busy  for  hours 
finding  these  necessities  and  replacing  them 
where  they  will  be  available. 

I  thought  that  Alice  and  her  mercenary 
were  the  only  women  in  the  world  addicted 
to  this  weekly  practice,  but  from  what  Lawyer 
Miles  and  other  married  men  tell  me  I  gather 
that  there  are  other  wives  in  the  world  quite 
as  possessed  of  the  seven  devils  of  order  and 
method  as  Alice  is. 

To  return  to  that  other  matter:  Alice  has 
hinted  to  me  that  she  intends  to  store  a  great 
deal  of  my  own  porcelain  and  pottery  away 
in  the  butler's  pantry.  I  had  hoped  that 
when  we  got  into  the  new  house  we  should 
have  plenty  of  space  for  displaying  the  plat 
ters,  plates,  bowls,  teapots,  etc.,  etc.,  to 
which  age  has  added  a  special  charm,  and  the 
collection  of  which  has  involved  the  expen 
diture  of  much  time  and  money  upon  my  part. 
229 


THE   HOUSE 

I  am  convinced,  however,  that  Alice  in 
tends  to  hide  all  these  beautiful  old  speci 
mens  away;  the  butler's  pantry  is  evidently 
for  this  purpose.  I  have  not  questioned 
Alice  about  it,  but  (to  use  Uncle  Si's  favorite 
expression)  "it 's  dollars  to  doughnuts"  that 
Alice  is  figuring  on  displaying  her  sixty-dol 
lar  set  of  new  porcelain  in  the  new  glass 
cabinet  in  the  dining-room,  while  my  rare 
antiques — among  them  the  blue  platter, 
which  was  sent  me  from  New  Orleans,  and 
which  belonged  originally  to  the  pirate  La- 
fitte  —  are  relegated  to  the  dim  mysterious 
shelves  of  the  butler's  pantry,  where  dust 
will  obscure  them  and  spiders  make  them 
their  favorite  romping  grounds.  I  intend  to 
ask  Lawyer  Miles  what  he  would  do  under 
like  circumstances. 

There  is  a  sink  in  the  butler's  pantry,  but 
it  is  wholly  superfluous.  I  am  told  that  this 
adjunct  is  useful  in  washing  such  dishes  and 
glassware  as  are  too  precious  to  be  sent  to 
the  kitchen.  All  this  sounds  very  fine,  but 
the  practice  is  to  whew  the  tableware  of  all 
kinds  into  the  kitchen,  whether  there  be  a 
sink  in  the  butler's  pantry  or  not.  My  grand- 
230 


THE   BUTLER'S   PANTRY 

mother  (and  my  mother,  too)  never  suffered 
a  servant  to  wash  the  fine  porcelain  or  the 
cut  glass ;  that  responsible  task  was  always 
reserved  for  the  housewife  herself,  and  the 
result  was  that  no  porcelain  was  chipped 
and  no  cut  glass  cracked.  They  sent  me 
an  old  willow  teapot  from  Biddeford,  and  it 
had  n't  been  with  us  three  weeks  before  our 
Celtic  cook  marred  its  symmetry  by  chip 
ping  off  its  venerable  nozzle. 

The  only  reason  why  so  many  charming 
bits  of  china  have  come  down  to  us  from 
the  last  century  is  that  our  grandmothers 
and  our  mothers  cared  for  these  things  and 
protected  them  from  rough  usage.  But,  bless 
your  soul!  do  you  suppose  Alice  could  be 
induced  to  bare  her  arms  and  apply  herself 
to  the  task  of  washing  a  stack  of  antique 
porcelain  or  a  row  of  cut-glass  tumblers  ? 
No,  not  for  the  entire  wealth  of  Wedge- 
wood  or  the  combined  output  of  Dresden 
and  of  Sevres! 

Mrs.  Baylor  tells  me  that  I  am  doing  the 

butler's  pantry  a  grave  injustice  ;   that  the 

servants  will  use  it,  and  that  it  will  prove  a 

great  convenience.     I  do  not  wish  to  appear 

231 


THE   HOUSE 

unreasonable  and  I  am  willing  to  concede 
that  the  servants  will  utilize  the  pantry  and 
its  death-dealing  sink.  It  is  very  probable 
that  under  their  auspices  the  slaughter  of 
china  and  of  glassware  will  be  continued;  it 
moots  not  to  the  average  hired-girl  whether 
the  sink  be  in  the  kitchen  or  the  butler's  pan 
try,  upon  the  housetop  or  in  the  bowels  of  the 
earth ;  the  work  of  destruction  goes  on  at  four 
dollars  a  week  and  every  Thursday  out. 

It  was  during  the  pantry  agitation  that 
Mr.  Patrick  Devoe  came  into  our  lives.  He 
approached  us  one  sweltering  afternoon  and 
introduced  himself  with  all  the  urbanity  of 
a  native  of  Glanmire,  County  Cork.  He 
praised  our  house  and  our  premises  and  my 
wife  and  our  children.  We  wondered  what 
he  was  driving  at,  but  he  didn't  keep  us  in 
suspense  very  long,  for  he  was,  as  he  as 
sured  us,  a  business  man  from  the  word 
"go."  He  was,  it  appeared,  the  proprietor 
of  a  street-sprinkling  cart,  and  the  object  of 
his  call  upon  us  was  to  crave  the  boon  of 
sprinkling  Clarendon  Avenue  in  front  of  our 
place  at  the  merely  nominal  price  often  cents 
a  day. 

232 


THE   BUTLER'S   PANTRY 

Mr.  Devoe  could  hardly  have  called  at  a 
time  more  favorable  to  his  interests.  The 
day  was,  as  I  have  already  intimated,  op 
pressively  hot:  there  was  a  stiff  wind  from 
the  south  and  the  dust  rolled  up  the  avenue 
in  clouds.  Mr.  Devoe  represented  to  us 
that  the  other  people  in  the  neighborhood 
had  contracted  for  his  services  and  our  repu 
tation  belied  us  if  we  were  unwilling  to  se 
cure  at  a  paltry  financial  outlay  what  would 
contribute  to  our  comfort  and  health.  This 
persuasive  gentleman  assured  us  that,  under 
the  benign  influence  of  his  sprinkling  cart, 
Clarendon  Avenue  would  presently  become 
one  of  the  most  popular  of  suburban  drive 
ways.  Hither  would  equipages  come  from 
every  quarter,  and  the  thoroughfare  even 
tually  would  be  famed  as  the  coolest,  shadi 
est,  and  most  fashionable  in  Chicago. 

Furthermore  Mr.  Devoe  represented  that 
the  trees,  shrubbery,  and  grass  of  our  premises 
would  be  directly  benefited  by  his  sprinkling 
cart;  the  gracious  flood  of  water,  distributed 
twice  a  day  by  his  itinerant  cart,  would  not 
only  lay  the  dust  of  the  highway,  but  also  per 
meate  and  circulate  through  the  contiguous 


THE   HOUSE 

soil,  bearing  refreshment  and  health  to  tree, 
plant,  and  flower  alike.  The  vigor  of  vege 
tation  meant  much  to  humanity;  by  this 
means  an  abundance  of  ozone  would  be 
supplied  to  the  circumambient  atmosphere, 
insuring  healthful  sleep  and  general  reinvig- 
oration  to  man,  woman,  and  child. 

Mr.  Devoe's  presentation  of  the  facts  and 
possibilities  was  so  convincing  that  both 
Alice  and  I  recognized  the  propriety  of  secur 
ing  his  services.  The  sum  of  ten  cents  per 
diem  seemed  very  trifling;  it  was  not  until 
after  Mr.  Devoe  had  departed  with  our  con 
tract  in  his  pocket  that  we  began  to  realize 
that,  however  insignificant  ten  cents  per 
diem  might  be,  seventy  cents  per  week  was 
not  to  be  sneezed  at,  while  twenty-one  dol 
lars  for  the  season  was  simply  a  gross  ex 
travagance.  I  was  in  favor  of  recalling  and 
annulling  our  contract  with  Mr.  Devoe,  but 
Alice  insisted  that  we  should  keep  strictly  in 
line  with  the  other  neighbors,  doing  nothing 
likely  to  stigmatize  us  either  as  mean  or  as 
unfashionable. 

A  day  or  two  after  this  incident  a  ruffianly 
looking  fellow  called  on  us  to  "make  ar- 
234 


THE   BUTLER'S   PANTRY 

rangements,"  as  he  said,  about  hauling  away 
our  garbage  when  we  got  moved  into  our 
new  house.  I  told  the  fellow  that  the  city 
sent  a  garbage  wagon  around  every  week  to 
remove  the  garbage  free  of  cost.  To  this  the 
fellow  replied  that  the  city  did  its  work  care 
lessly,  that  the  wagon  was  invariably  over 
loaded,  and  that  no  reliance  could  be  placed 
upon  the  garbage  boxes  being  emptied  if 
that  responsible  duty  were  intrusted  to  the 
city  employes. 

The  fellow  seemed  to  know  what  he  was 
talking  about,  and  his  representations  were 
so  fair  that  finally  I  agreed  to  pay  him  twenty- 
five  cents  a  week  for  hauling  the  garbage 
away.  That  evening  I  heard  from  Mr.  Bay 
lor  that  the  scheme  was  a  vulgar  bit  of 
blackmail ;  that  the  fellow  was  driver  for  one 
of  the  city  wagons  and  made  a  practice  of 
extorting  fees  from  householders  for  doing 
work  which  he  was  already  paid  to  do.  I 
felt  grievously  outraged  and  I  threatened  to 
report  this  infamy  to  the  municipal  authori 
ties.  But  Mr.  Baylor  and  other  friends  as 
sured  me  that  these  infamous  practices  of 
blackmail  were  encouraged  at  the  City  Hall, 

235 


THE    HOUSE 

and  that  I  would  simply  be  laughed  at  if  1 
ventured  to  complain. 

It  was  about  this  time,  too,  that  I  paid  a 
man  four  dollars  to  clean  out  the  catch  basin 
in  the  rear  of  our  premises.  The  man  told 
me  that  the  catch  basin  was  "  reeking  with 
the  germs  of  disease."  I  did  n't  see  how 
that  could  well  be,  since  the  sewer  had  not 
been  laid  six  weeks.  However,  the  man  in 
sisted,  and  he  talked  so  portentously  of  bac 
teria  and  bacilli  and  morbiferous  microbes 
that  finally  in  a  terror  of  apprehension  I 
gave  him  four  dollars  and  bade  him  do  his 
saving  work  and  do  it  quickly. 

When  the  neighbors  heard  of  this  incident 
they  unanimously  pronounced  me  a  fool, 
accompanying  that  opprobrious  stigmatiza- 
tion  with  an  epithet  which  my  religious  con 
victions  prohibit  me  from  recording. 


236 


XXIII 
ALICE'S  NIGHT  WATCHMAN 

FROM  what  I  have  already  told  you  it  is 
likely  that  you  have  gathered  that  Alice 
and  I  had  good  reason  to  conclude  that  be 
ing  a  householder  was  by  no  means  as  cheap 
an  enjoyment  as  could  be  conceived  of.  We 
recalled  the  words  of  the  sagacious  and  pru 
dent  Mr.  Denslow.  "When  you  get  a 
place  of  your  own,"  said  that  wise  man, 
"you  will  find  that  there  will  be  a  thousand 
annoying  little  demands  for  your  money 
where  now  there  is  one. "  Our  other  friend, 
Mr.  Black,  had  expressed  the  same  idea 
when  he  told  us  that  "  a  house-owner  never 
gets  through  paying  out."  If  Alice  and  I 
had  had  any  thought  upon  the  matter  at  all 
it  was  to  the  effect  that  when  we  had  a  home 
of  our  own  we  got  rid  forever  of  the  mon 
strous  bugaboo  of  house-rent  at  sixty  dol- 
=37 


THE   HOUSE 

lars  a  month.  We  supposed  that  all  our 
spare  time  could  be  devoted  to  counting 
the  money  we  were  going  to  save  by  get 
ting  out  of  a  grasping,  avaricious  landlord's 
clutches.  Experience  is  a  severe  teacher; 
Alice  and  I  have  found  out  a  great  many 
things  since  we  began  to  have  direct  deal 
ings  with  builders,  masons,  plumbers,  pain 
ters  et  id  omne  genus,  as  well  as  with 
sprinklers,  day  laborers,  landscape  gardeners, 
fruit-tree  peddlers,  lightning-rod  agents,  and 
others  of  that  ilk. 

We  duly  became  aware  that  we  were  los 
ing  a  good  deal  at  the  hands  of  nocturnal 
depredators.  Our  flower  beds  were  de 
spoiled  with  amazing  regularity ;  the  broken 
lath  and  old  lumber  which  had  been  piled 
up  in  the  back  yard,  and  which  Alice  intend 
ed  to  use  eventually  for  kindling,  disappeared 
mysteriously,  and  the  carpenters  reported 
finding  evidences  every  morning  that  some 
person  or  persons  had  been  tramping  through 
the  house  the  night  before. 

We  were  all  at  once  possessed  of  the 
paralyzing  fear  that  this  nocturnal  trespasser, 
or  these  nocturnal  trespassers,  might  set  our 
238 


ALICE'S  NIGHT   WATCHMAN 

house  on  fire.  The  floors  were  strewn  with 
shavings;  a  spark  would  precipitate  a  con 
flagration,  and  the  old  Schmittheimer  place 
would  burn  like  so  much  tinder.  I  read 
over  the  fire-insurance  policies  which  we  had 
taken  out  with  our  genial  friends,  Doller, 
Jeems,  and  Teddy,  and  I  found  out  that  the 
companies  represented  by  those  gentlemen 
were  not  responsible  for  losses  upon  unoc 
cupied  premises,  or  for  losses  resulting  from 
incendiarism.  It  occurred  to  me  that  it  would 
be  wise  to  invite  the  police  to  keep  an  eye 
on  the  place  at  night,  but  this  plan  seemed 
impracticable  for  the  reason  that  I  wanted  to 
keep  the  lawn-sprinklers  running  all  night 
in  defiance  of  the  ordinance,  and  this  could 
not  be  done  if  the  police  were  to  be  mousing 
about  the  premises. 

While  I  was  still  worrying  over  this  dis 
tressing  problem  one  of  the  carpenters  came 
to  me  with  a  harrowing  tale  about  a  tramp 
whom  he  had  caught  sleeping  in  the  barn. 
This  tramp  had  gained  access  to  the  barn  by 
means  of  a  window.  He  quietly  removed 
the  sash,  after  breaking  the  panes  of  glass, 
and  crawled  in.  The  carpenter  caught  the 
239 


THE   HOUSE 

impudent  rogue  early  next  morning  in  fla- 
grante  delicto  —  that  is  to  say,  found  him 
snoozing  upon  a  mattress  which  Alice  had 
stored  away  in  the  barn  for  safe-keeping. 
An  argument  ensued,  but  the  tramp  finally 
beat  a  retreat. 

Upon  the  evening  of  that  same  day  the 
carpenter  remained  after  working  hours  to 
see  whether  the  tramp  would  come  back  for 
another  night's  lodging  in  the  nice,  warm 
barn  on  that  nice,  clean  mattress.  Surely 
enough,  as  evening  shadows  fell  the  tramp 
made  his  reappearance  and  sought  to  effect 
an  entrance  to  the  barn.  Thereupon  the 
belligerent  carpenter  emerged  from  his  hiding 
and  bade  the  trespasser  be  gone.  The  tramp 
complied  with  this  demand,  but  not  until  he 
had  signified  his  intention  of  returning  later 
at  night  for  the  purpose  of  squaring  accounts 
with  the  carpenter. 

This  dark  threat  filled  the  carpenter  with 
gloomy  forebodings  and  he  hastened  to 
Alice  and  me  for  advice.  Of  course  we  as 
sured  him  that  we  would  support  him  in 
any  line  of  action  he  would  take,  and  we 
promised  to  pay  him  one  dollar  if  he  would 
240 


ALICE'S  NIGHT   WATCHMAN 

stay  and  guard  the  premises  that  night. 
The  carpenter  was  not  insensible  to  the 
soothing  influences  of  lucre,  and  he  consent 
ed  to  watch  and  defend  our  property,  pro 
vided  we  furnished  him  with  a  weapon  of 
one  kind  or  another,  for  he  had  a  conviction 
that  the  tramp  fully  intended  to  come  back 
that  very  night  to  cut  his  heart  out. 

My  acquaintance  with  weapons  is  limited 
to  that  circle  which  includes  my  collection 
of  antique  armor  and  several  old  flintlocks 
picked  up  at  different  times  in  New  England 
and  in  the  South.  I  confessed  to  the  car 
penter  that  I  had  in  the  house  nothing 
suited  to  his  bellicose  purposes,  unless  he 
was  willing  to  put  up  with  a  mediaeval  battle 
axe  or  a  Queen  Anne  musket.  The  carpenter 
seemed  disinclined  to  place  any  reliance  upon 
these  means  of  defence,  and  he  suggested 
that  perhaps  I  might  borrow  a  pistol  of  some 
one  of  the  neighbors.  I  had  not  thought  of 
that  before ;  the  idea  impressed  me  favorably, 
and  I  proceeded  to  act  upon  it.  It  was  no 
easy  task,  however,  finding  what  I  wanted. 
At  the  Denslows  an  axe  was  the  only  weapon 
to  be  had,  and  at  the  Baylors',  the  Crowes', 
241 


THE    HOUSE 

the  Sissons',  and  the  Ewings'  I  found  that 
the  spears  had  been  beaten  into  plowshares 
and  the  swords  into  pruning-hooks.  I  felt 
that  it  would  be  folly  to  apply  at  the  Tilt- 
mans',  for  Jack  Tiltman  is  the  mildest  man 
in  seven  States,  and  he  is  descended  from  a 
line  of  Quakers  religiously  opposed  to  war 
and  strife.  However,  meeting  with  Tilt 
man,  I  ventured  to  confide  to  him  the  di 
lemma  I  was  in,  and  I  was  surprised  when  he 
told  me  that  he  could  provide  me  with  any 
kind  or  size  of  revolver  I  wanted.  Presently 
he  brought  out  of  his  house  a  machine  which, 
had  he  not  assured  me  to  the  contrary,  1 
should  at  first  sight  have  mistaken  for  a  one- 
inch  aperture  telescope. 

"Is  it  loaded  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  Yes,  seven  times,"  said  he. 

'  'And  will  it  go  off  seven  times  all  at  once  ?  " 
said  I. 

' '  Once  will  be  enough, "  said  he ;  and  then 
he  added  that  the  bore  was  so  large  that  if 
the  bullet  once  struck  a  man  it  would  let 
daylight  clean  through  him,  even  in  the  night 
time. 

You  can  well  understand  that,  by  the  time 
242 


ALICE'S  NIGHT  WATCHMAN 

the  carpenter  was  equipped  for  defensive 
operations,  the  whole  neighborhood  was 
worked  up  to  a  condition  of  great  excite 
ment.  The  children  were  enthusiastic  over 
the  prospect  of  bloodshed,  and  from  the 
chatter  that  was  indulged  in  by  these  inno 
cents  you  might  have  supposed  that  a  mur 
derous  tramp  lurked  at  every  corner.  Alice 
and  I  walked  over  to  the  Schmittheimer  place 
with  thecarpenter,and  we  were  accompanied 
by  several  of  our  neighbors  and  their  off 
spring.  The  evening  was  now  advanced  to 
the  degree  of  darkness,and  our  heated  fancies 
transformed  every  shadow  into  a  living  crea 
ture.  Little  Annie  Ewing  was  on  the  verge 
of  hysterics  and  declared  she  saw  things  be 
hind  every  tree  and  stump,  and  Mr.  Denslow 
contributed  to  the  general  excitement  by  re 
calling  that  he  had  read  that  very  day  of  sev 
eral  mysterious  murders  down  in  a  remote 
corner  of  Arizona  by  unknown  tramps. 

I  admit  that  I,  too,  was  much  perturbed.  I 
contemplated  with  indignation  the  lawless 
impudence  of  the  fellow  who  had  broken 
into  our  barn,  and  who  had  subsequently 
threatened  violence  to  the  carpenter  for  ex- 

243 


THE   HOUSE 

postulating  against  this  act  of  trespass.  At 
the  same  time  I  could  not  stifle  a  feeling  of 
pity  for  the  homeless  being  who  doubtless 
found  the  bed  upon  our  barn  floor  as  grate 
ful  as  the  downy  couch  of  a  Persian  poten 
tate.  Nor  could  I  stifle  the  conviction  that 
it  was  a  piece  of  miserable  greediness  on  my 
part  to  deny  this  friendless  and  penniless 
wanderer  the  humble  shelter  he  craved. 

In  fact  I  presently  became  so  ashamed  of  the 
part  I  was  taking  in  these  proceedings  that 
but  for  my  regard  for  Alice's  feelings  I  would 
have  packed  the  carpenter  off  home  and  left 
the  barn  open  to  the  tramp  and  all  his  kind. 
As  it  was  my  conscience  gave  me  no  rest 
until  I  had  induced  neighbor  Tiltman  to  ex 
tract  the  cartridges  from  the  pistol,  which  serv 
ice  he  did  so  cleverly  that  the  carpenter  knew 
nothing  about  it,  and  continued  to  bluster 
and  bloviate  like  a  dragoon  on  dress  parade. 

The  tramp  did  not  return  that  night,  and  I 
was  glad  he  did  not,  for  it  would  have  spoiled 
our  new  premises  for  me  had  any  act  of  vio 
lence  been  committed  thereupon.  The  ex 
perience,  however,  alarmed  Alice  to  such 
an  extent  that  she  determined  to  employ  a 
244 


ALICE'S   NIGHT   WATCHMAN 

private  watchman  to  guard  the  premises  by 
night  until  we  occupied  them.  She  told  me 
at  supper  the  next  evening  that  for  this  pur 
pose  she  had  secured  the  services  of  a  poor 
but  honest  man  who  had  called  that  day 
seeking  employment. 

"You  don't  mean  to  tell  me,  my  dear," 
said  I,  "that  you  have  intrusted  this  respon 
sible  duty  to  a  person  who  is  in  the  habit  of 
travelling  from  house  to  house,  asking  alms ! " 

"1  guess  I  know  an  honest  man  when  I 
see  him, "said  Alice,  "and  I  know  this  man 
is  honest,  if  there  is  such  a  thing  as  an  hon 
est  man." 

Alice  went  on  to  say  that  her  protege  was 
an  old  soldier;  that  he  had  wept  when  he 
told  of  his  unrequited  services  for  his  coun 
try,  and  of  the  ingratitude  which  he  had  ex 
perienced  when  his  application  for  a  pension 
was  denied  by  the  unfeeling  authorities  at 
Washington.  Alice  said  she  had  never  met 
with  a  more  civil-spoken  person,  and  he  must 
indeed  have  impressed  her  most  favorably, 
for  she  advanced  him  fifty  cents  on  account. 

We  slept  securely  that  night,  for  Alice's 
assurances  made  me  confident  that  under  the 


THE   HOUSE 

new  watchman's  sleepless  vigilance  all  would 
be  safe  on  the  Schmittheimer  premises.  But 
about  seven  o'clock  next  morning  there  was 
a  rude  outcry,  and  there  came  a  terrible 
banging  at  our  front  door.  Looking  out  into 
the  street  we  saw  the  carpenter  with  a  very 
sorry  specimen  of  manhood  in  custody.  The 
carpenter  was  flourishing  neighbor  Tiltman's 
unloaded  pistol  and  threatening  to  blow  his 
prisoner's  brains  out. 

"I  caught  him  asleep  in  the  barn! "  cried 
the  carpenter,  excitedly. 

"Stop!  Stop!"  shrieked  Alice.  "Don't 
shoot  him!  Don't  harm  a  hair  of  his  head! 
He  is  the  night  watchman  I  hired  to  guard 
the  place!  " 

"He  's  the  tramp!"  insisted  the  carpenter. 
"  He  's  the  very  tramp  who  broke  into  the 
barn  and  slept  there  once  before.  I  've 
caught  him  now  and  I  won't  let  him  go! " 

The  prisoner  protested  that  the  carpenter 
was  mistaken,  that  he  was,  indeed,  the  night 
watchman,  and  that  he  was  entitled  to  "the 
kind  lady's  protection." 

The  fellow's  voice  sounded  familiar  and  I 
recognized  his  form  and  face.  Yes,  there 
246 


ALICE'S   NIGHT   WATCHMAN 

could  be  no  mistake;  I  had  seen  and  dealt 
with  this  person  before. 

"My  friends,"  said  I,  addressing  Alice  and 
her  carpenter  and  the  crowd  of  neighbors 
that  had  assembled,  "  you  are  right,  and  yet 
you  are  wrong.  I  know  this  man,  and  I 
identify  him  as  the  base  ingrate  who  stole 
my  new  wheelbarrow  and  my  garden  uten 
sils.  Your  name,  sir,"  I  continued,  sternly, 
transfixing  the  quaking  wretch  with  a  glance 
of  commingled  anger  and  scorn,  "your  name 
is  Percival  Wax! " 


247 


XXIV 
DRIVEWAYS   AND    WALL-PAPERS 

HAD  we  been  so  disposed  we  could  have 
given  the  wretched  Percival  Wax  a 
great  deal  of  trouble.  Lawyer  Miles  was 
anxious  to  prosecute  the  fellow,  and  I  dare 
say  he  felt  that  he  had  missed  the  greatest 
opportunity  of  his  life  when  Alice  and  I 
concluded  to  let  the  matter  drop.  We  were 
moved  to  this  decision  by  the  consideration 
that,  while  we  owed  Percival  Wax  only  our 
resentment  and  vengeance,  a  prosecution  of 
him  for  his  numerous  misdemeanors  would 
put  us  to  no  end  of  trouble.  The  exposure 
and  punishment  of  vice  would  doubtless 
prove  much  more  popular  among  the  vir 
tuous,  did  not  these  proceedings  involve  so 
great  an  expenditure  both  of  time  and  of 
labor.  Alice  and  I  were  not  long  in  making 
up  our  minds  that  we  had  plenty  of  other 
unavoidable  troubles  to  engage  our  atten- 


DRIVEWAYS  AND   WALL-PAPERS 

tion;  so  we  let  the  tramp  go,  but  not,  how 
ever,  until  I  had  lectured  him  seriously  upon 
the  propriety  of  his  abandoning  his  evil 
ways  and  until  Alice  had  given  him  a  clean 
shirt  and  an  old  pair  of  shoes  with  which  to 
start  out  afresh  upon  the  pathway  of  reform, 
which  he  solemnly  promised  to  follow. 

If  you  have  ever  passed  the  old  Schmitt- 
heimer  place  —  and  doubtless  you  have,  for 
it  is  the  pride  and  ornament  of  a  most  aris 
tocratic  section  — you  must  have  noticed  the 
roadway  that  leads  from  the  street  to  the 
residence  that  looms  up  majestically  two 
hundred  feet  back  from  the  street.  Perhaps 
you  have  wondered  why  grounds  in  other 
respects  so  attractive  should  be  defaced  by  a 
feature  so  unsightly  and  so  impracticable  as 
this  identical  roadway. 

And  yet,  as  I  told  Alice,  this  roadway  was 
actually  the  most  natural  feature  of  the  place ; 
there  was  absolutely  no  touch  of  artificiality 
about  it;  it  was  originally  a  stretch  of  sand, 
and  such  it  had  remained  from  time  imme 
morial,  by  which  I  mean  from  that  remote 
date —  presumably  eighteen  centuries  ago  — 
when  the  receding  waters  of  Lake  Michigan 
249 


THE   HOUSE 

left  the  spot  subsequently  to  be  known  as 
the  old  Schmittheimer  place  high  and  dry  in 
section  5,  range  16,  township  3.  The  genius 
of  man  had  wrought  wondrous  and  beauti 
ful  changes  elsewhere,  converting  marshes 
into  boulevards  and  transforming  sandy 
wastes  into  blooming  gardens;  but  never 
had  it  expended  a  touch  or  a  thought  upon 
that  bald  prehistoric  streak  which  served  as 
a  driveway  for  all  vehicles  that  dared  invade 
the  old  Schmittheimer  place. 

How  many  vehicles  had  in  the  lapse  of 
years  been  hopelessly  maimed  or  totally 
wrecked  while  trying  to  traverse  that  road 
way  I  shall  not  presume  to  say,  for  as  a  man 
of  science  I  glory  in  exactness  and  I  eschew 
surmise.  This  much  I  know,  for  I  have  seen 
it  time  and  again  during  the  last  four  months : 
nothing  that  moves  on  wheels  has  ventured 
upon  that  roadway  that  it  did  not  sink 
slowly  but  surely  up  to  the  hubs  of  its  wheels 
in  the  unresisting  sand.  The  Pusheck  gro 
cery  cart  broke  a  spring  the  first  time  it 
drove  in,  and  the  wagon  that  hauled  the 
steam  fixtures  was  stalled  for  three  hours  in 
one  of thosetreacherous  depressions  in  which 
250 


DRIVEWAYS   AND   WALL-PAPERS 

the  roadway  abounds,  depressions  which, 
as  I  am  told,  are  known  to  dwellers  in  hilly 
country  places  as  "  thank-ye-marms." 

Until  I  became  acquainted  with  this  par 
ticular  roadway  I  never  fully  comprehended 
the  nicety  and  the  force  of  the  phrase  "to 
drive  in."  I  had  heard  people  say  that  they 
had  driven  into  such  and  such  places,  and  I 
had  wondered  why  they  employed  this  figure 
of  speech  when,  it  seemed  to  me,  it  would 
have  been  more  exact  to  say  that  they  entered 
upon  or  drove  over.  But  I  know  now  that 
it  is  no  figure  of  speech  when  one  says  that 
he  drives  into  the  old  Schmittheimer  place. 
No  other  phrase  could  more  exactly  express 
an  actuality. 

If  we  were  going  to  retain  the  driveway 
in  all  its  unhampered  prehistoric  simplicity, 
just  as  the  glacial  period  found  and  left  it,  it 
would  really  be  the  proper  thing  for  us  to 
found  and  to  maintain  a  rescue  station  in  its 
vicinity,  for  we  have  been  called  upon  to 
hasten  to  the  relief  of  every  vehicle  that  has 
"driven  into"  the  premises  since  we  took 
possession.  And  a  very  serious  theological 
aspect  of  this  matter  is  had  in  a  considera- 
251 


THE    HOUSE 

tion  of  the  fact  that  this  prehistoric  driveway 
not  only  breaks  spokes  and  tires  and  hubs 
and  springs,  but  also  incites  human  beings 
to  break  the  third  commandment.  I  have 
overheard  the  young  man  who  drives  Push- 
eck's  grocery  cart  indulging  in  expletives 
which  I  am  sure  he  never  learned  as  a  mem 
ber  of  Alice's  Bible  class. 

So,  taking  one  consideration  with  another, 
Alice  and  I  determined  to  have  a  new  road. 
Undoubtedly  this  was  a  wise  determination ; 
if  we  had  gone  ahead  from  that  wise  begin 
ning  and  built  the  road  as  we  had  planned, 
all  would  have  been  well.  The  serious  error 
we  made  was  in  seeking  the  counsel  of  our 
neighbors  —  the  very  same  error  we  have 
made  and  kept  on  making  over  and  over 
again  ever  since  we  entered  upon  this  scheme 
of  the  new  house. 

I  take  it  for  granted  that  you  know  as 
well  as  I  do  that  when  it  comes  to  roads, 
there  are  as  many  different  kinds  of  roads 
as  there  are  planetoids  in  the  solar  system. 
Furthermore,  paradoxical  as  it  may  appear, 
each  of  these  different  kinds  is  better  than 
any  of  these  others,  for  each  possesses  not 
252 


DRIVEWAYS   AND   WALL-PAPERS 

only  all  the  advantages  of  the  others,  but  also 
certain  distinct  and  paramount  advantages  of 
its  own.  Alice  and  I  had  decided  upon  a 
dirt  road,  because  we  believed  that  a  dirt 
road  would  conform  in  appearance  to  the 
other  rustic  and  farmlike  features  of  the  place, 
and  because  we  fancied  that  a  dirt  road  could 
be  constructed  cheaply. 

I  use  the  term  "  dirt  road  "  under  protest. 
I  am  aware  that  what  is  called  a  dirt  road  is, 
properly  speaking,  an  earth  road.  Dirt  is 
filth,  but  earth  is  not;  so  when  we  call  an 
earth  road  a  dirt  road  we  commit  a  vulgar 
error  by  employing  a  wrong  epithet.  All  this 
I  know,  and  yet,  conforming  to  a  custom, 
because  it  is  a  custom  followed  by  all  except 
a  smattering  of  purists,  I  humiliate  my  sense 
of  integrity,  and  I  prostitute  the  virtue  of  my 
native  speech. 

In  an  unguarded  moment,  as  I  have  inti 
mated,  we  confided  to  our  neighbors  the 
precious  secret  that  the  stretch  of  sand  from 
our  front  gate  to  our  backyard  was  to  make 
way  for  a  modern,  safe,  and  comfortable  drive 
way.  Immediately  we  were  overwhelmed 
with  suggestions  and  advice  as  to  the  par- 
253 


THE   HOUSE 

ticular  kind  of  driveway  we  really  ought  to 
have.  You  may  have  noticed  that  whenever 
a  friend  (a  dear,  good  friend)  advises,  he  or 
she  invariably  tells  you  what  you  really  ought 
to  have  —  putting  much  emphasis  on  the 
"ought."  This  clinches  and  rivets  the  ad 
vice.  When  one  says  to  you  that  you  really 
ought  to  have  such  or  such  a  thing,  he  means, 
of  course,  that  you  would  have  it  if  you  were 
not  either  too  poor  or  too  stupid  (or  both) 
to  get  it.  Alice  and  I  are  poor  in  purse,  but 
I  deny  that  we  are  idiots. 

Not  to  consume  your  time  with  further 
discourse  upon  this  subject  (although  I  will 
concede  that  it  has  its  fascinations  and  its 
importance),  I  will  say  that  the  primitive 
roadway  (illustrative  of  the  pre-glacial  pe 
riod)  still  winds  its  Saharan  course  through 
our  premises.  For  Alice  and  I  are  undeter 
mined  whether  to  follow  our  own  instincts 
and  have  a  dirt  road  (there  it  is  again!)  or 
whether  to  concede  to  neighborly  influence 
in  the  matter  of  this  driveway,  just  as  we 
have  conceded  upon  nearly  every  other  de 
tail  that  has  come  up  for  consideration  within 
the  last  four  months.  I  dare  say  we  shall 

254 


DRIVEWAYS   AND   WALL-PAPERS 

eventually  come  back  to  our  original  plan,  for 
it  is  already  as  clear  as  the  noonday  sun  that 
if  we  adopt  the  suggestion  of  any  one  neigh 
bor  we  shall  have  all  the  rest  of  our  neighbors 
down  on  us  for  the  rest  of  our  lives. 

We  had  an  unpleasant  experience  of  this 
character  in  the  matter  of  wall-paper.  It 
seems  that  Alice  and  Adah  consulted  all  the 
women-folks  in  their  acquaintance,  and  after 
much  agitation  made  such  selections  of  wall 
paper  as  they  believed  would  serve  as  a  fe 
licitous  compromise  between  all  parties  con 
sulted  and  all  tastes  expressed.  The  result 
is  that  nobody  is  suited  —  nobody  but  me. 
As  for  me,  I  am  too  mucrf  of  a  philosopher 
and  too  busy  with  my  philosophy  to  spend 
any  time  worrying  about  the  color  or  the 
pattern  of  the  paper  on  the  walls.  If  the 
paper  is  not  so  prepossessing  as  it  might 
be,  I  should  be  glad  that  it  is  upon  my  walls 
rather  than  upon  the  walls  of  those  whom 
it  would  vex  much  more  than  it  does  me. 

I  do  not  mind  telling  you  that  my  favorite 

color  in  wall-paper  (as  well  as  in  everything 

else)  is  red,  and  it  was  a  delicate  concession 

upon  Alice's  part  to  cover  the  walls  of  my 

255 


THE   HOUSE 

study  over  the  kitchen  with  paper  of  unde 
niably  red  hue,  upon  which  appear  tracings 
of  yellowish  white  in  a  pattern  particularly 
pleasing  to  my  uneducated  eye.  Little  Jo 
sephine's  room  (which  is  shared  by  Alice's 
sister  Adah)  is  decorated  with  wall-paper  in 
which  red  is  also  the  predominant  color. 
The  pattern  is  of  bunches  of  roses  in  full 
bloom,  and  these  counterfeit  presentments 
are  so  true  to  the  life  that  when  little  Jose 
phine  first  entered  the  apartment  she  reached 
out  her  tiny  hands  in  rapture  and  sought  to 
pluck  the  beautiful  flowers.  Adah,  too,  is 
delighted  with  this  floral  design;  the  rose  is 
her  favorite  flower,  and  by  a  charming  coin 
cidence  it  happens  to  be  also  the  favorite 
flower  of  Adah's  friend  Maria  —  of  course  you 
remember  Maria;  married  Johnnie  Richard 
son,  and  lives  at  St.  Joe,  Missouri.  So,  you 
see,  thereare  several  tendersentimentsattach- 
ing  Adah  to  that  rose-bedecked  apartment. 

And  yet  (will  you  believe  it?)  there  are 
those  who  do  not  at  all  approve  of  the  wall 
paper  in  which  I  and  little  Josephine  and 
Adah  (to  say  nothing  of  Maria)  take  so  great 
delight.  Some  of  these  people  have  been 


DRIVEWAYS  AND   WALL-PAPERS 

ill-mannered  enough  to  laugh  aloud  and  long 
when  they  beheld  the  impassioned  hue  of 
the  covering  of  the  walls  in  my  study !  There 
was  one  person  (I  forbear  mention  of  her 
name)  who  seriously  said  she  thought  we  'd 
be  afraid  to  let  little  Josephine  sleep  in  that 
rose-garlanded  room ;  that  the  glaring  colors 
would  be  likely  to  give  the  dear  child  the 
"willies."  I  do  not  know  what  the  "wil 
lies  "  are,  but  I  do  know  that  little  Josephine 
sleeps  well,  eats  well,  and  is  happy,  and  this 
is  all  that  we  could  hope  for  in  one  of  her 
tender  years. 

Now  while  I  cannot  do  otherwise  than 
defend  the  choices  in  wall-papers  which 
Alice  and  Adah  have  made,  I  distinctly  rec 
ognize  and  I  regret  two  very  unpleasant  facts : 
first,  that  by  not  complying  with  their  ad 
vice  upon  the  subject  we  have  grievously 
offended  a  number  of  our  neighbors,  and, 
second,  that  Alice  and  Adah  are  prepared  to 
set  down  in  the  list  of  their  active  and  ma 
lignant  foes  every  woman  who  presumes  to 
disparage  either  by  word  or  by  look  the 
wall-paper  they  have  picked  out  as  most 
pleasing  to  their  tastes. 
257 


XXV 
AT   LAST   WE   ENTER   OUR   HOUSE 

THE  detail  of  hardware  fixtures  did  not 
enter  into  our  original  calculations. 
This  was  very  stupid  of  us,  so  everbody  else 
said  —  everybody,  of  course,  who  had  been 
through  the  ordeal  of  building  a  house.  It  is 
surprising  how  soon  one  who  has  had  this 
experience  forgets  that  before  he  had  that 
experience  he  was  as  ignorant  and  as  un 
suspecting  a  body  as  could  be  imagined. 

I  suspect  that  after  all  it  is  a  good  thing 
for  humanity  that  all  people  do  not  have 
to  go  through  with  what  Alice  and  I  have 
experienced  the  last  four  months.  Otherwise 
the  world  would  be  filled  with  distrust,  for 
I  can  conceive  of  nothing  else  so  likely  to 
sow  the  seeds  of  rancor  and  of  suspicion 
in  one's  bosom  as  an  experience  at  building 
a  house. 

It  has  seemed  to  me  at  times  during  the 
258 


AT   LAST   WE   ENTER   OUR   HOUSE 

last  four  months  as  if  the  carpenters  and 
joiners  and  plumbers  and  painters  were 
leagued  against  Alice  and  me  to  defraud  and 
to  rob  us.  I  supposed  that  in  these  dull 
and  hard  times  these  people  would  feel  in 
a  measure  grateful  to  us  for  giving  them 
a  chance  to  ply  their  trades.  I  find,  how 
ever,  that  they  expect  me  to  be  grateful  to 
them  for  allowing  me  the  privilege  of  paying 
them  exorbitant  prices  for  very  indifferent 
services. 

Alice  wanted  to  make  a  contract  in  every 
instance,  but  she  was  wheedled  out  of  this  by 
the  eloquent  representations  of  the  sharpers 
to  the  effect  that  it  would  be  much  cheaper 
in  the  end  to  pay  for  the  material  used  and 
so  much  per  diem  for  the  actual  labor  done. 
This  looked  reasonable  enough,  but  the  re 
sult  was  wholly  in  favor  of  the  per-diem  fel 
lows.  Our  experience  has  convinced  us  that 
a  mechanic  who  is  working  per  diem  will 
never  make  an  end  to  his  job  so  long  as  the 
appropriation  holds  out. 

Of  what  use  would  our  new  house  have 
been  to  us  if  the  doors  and  windows  and 
screens  and  blinds  had  not  been  supplied 
259 


THE   HOUSE 

with  the  fixtures  required  for  their  operation  ? 
We  have  very  little  worth  stealing,  and  yet 
I  feel  more  secure  if  there  are  locks  upon  our 
doors  and  if  the  windows  are  fastened  down. 
Uncle  Si  knew  that  we  would  need  bolts  and 
locks  and  other  similar  hardware  fixtures; 
the  neighbors,  our  busiest  advisers,  knew  it, 
too;  yet  nobody  ever  said  booh  about  these 
things  to  us.  They  fancied,  forsooth,  that 
we  would  have  by  intuition  the  knowledge 
which  they  had  acquired  by  costly  experi 
ence  !  And  when  we  complained  of  the  ex 
pense  and  trouble  involved  in  the  selection 
and  purchase  of  these  extras,  the  intimation 
that  we  were  unreasonably  idiotic  was  freely 
bandied  about  by  the  very  people  who 
should  have  sympathized  with  us. 

The  fixtures  came  late,  too  late  for  the  big 
storm.  There  being  no  bolt  or  any  other 
fastening  to  the  north  porch  door,  the  wind 
blew  that  door  open  and  the  rain  descended 
in  torrents  upon  the  hardwood  floor  of  the 
guest  chamber.  Next  day  it  was  apparent 
that  the  floor  was  practically  ruined.  The 
carpenters  agreed  that  it  would  have  to  be 
scraped  and  that  it  was  very  likely  to  swell 
260 


AT   LAST   WE   ENTER  OUR   HOUSE 

and  spring  out  of  place  on  account  of  the 
soaking  it  had  suffered. 

Hardwood  floors  may  have  their  advan 
tages:  they  ought  to  have,  for  they  are  a 
costly  luxury  and  they  are  a  great  care. 
Owing  to  the  few  hardwood  floors  in  our 
new  house  we  were  delayed  moving  into 
the  place  for  many  weeks.  When  Uncle 
Si  and  his  cohort  got  through  with  them 
they  were  as  billowy  as  the  surface  of  the 
ocean. 

The  painters  came  to  us  one  by  one  and 
apprized  us  in  confidence  that  those  floors 
were  the  worst  they  had  ever  seen.  They 
said  that  the  carpenters  must  have  supposed 
that  we  wanted  a  toboggan  slide  instead  of 
hardwood  floors.  This  sarcasm  rankled  in 
our  bosoms. 

At  this  critical  juncture  Lansom  Mansom, 
the  cabinetmaker  who  had  made  our  book 
cases  for  us,  came  to  our  relief  with  the  sug 
gestion  that  he  be  employed  to  "go  over" 
the  floors  and  make  them  practicable.  He 
advised  the  per-diem  scheme,  and  with  char 
acteristic  good  nature  we  acceded  to  it. 
Thereupon  this  crafty  and  thrifty  person  set 
261 


THE    HOUSE 

himself  about  this  delectable  task,  which 
busied  him  five  weeks  at  four  dollars  a  day 
—a  sum  not  to  be  sneezed  at,  I  can  tell 
you. 

When  the  floors  were  scraped  and  stained 
and  varnished  it  took  two  weeks  for  them 
to  dry;  meanwhile  nobody  was  permitted 
to  approach  them.  A  favored  few  among 
our  most  intimate  friends  were  graciously 
allowed  to  peer  in  at  the  shining  floors  from 
the  porch  outside,  and  it  seemed  very  tedious 
waiting  for  the  time  to  come  when  we 
could  put  those  floors  to  the  uses  for  which 
floors  are  undoubtedly  intended. 

When  at  last  we  were  suffered  to  walk 
upon  the  floors  an  unlooked-for  casualty 
came  very  near  dashing  to  the  ground  the 
cup  of  joy  which  our  pride  had,  metaphori 
cally  speaking,  raised  to  our  lips.  Little 
Josephine,  the  most  precious  jewel  in  our 
domestic  diadem,  had  never  before  had  any 
experience  with  hardwood  floors,  and  no 
sooner  did  she  begin  to  dance  and  caper 
on  that  smooth  and  lustrous  surface  than 
the  innocent  little  lambkin  lost  her  foot 
ing  and  fell,  sustaining  so  severe  a  shock 
262 


AT   LAST   WE   ENTER  OUR   HOUSE 

as  to  render  the  services  of  a  physician 
necessary. 

This  mishap  confirmed  me  in  my  dislike 
for  hardwood  floors,  and  that  dislike  has 
increased  steadily.  Several  other  people 
have  come  very  near  breaking  their  necks 
by  losing  their  balance  on  that  treacherous 
surface,  and  I  confess  that  I  myself  am  com 
pelled  to  exercise  the  art  of  a  Blondin  in  or 
der  to  maintain  my  equilibrium  in  those 
slippery  places. 

Alice  has  always  argued  that  hardwood 
floors  were  particularly  desirable  for  the  rea 
son  that  they  did  away  with  the  expense 
and  care  of  carpets.  It  is  true  that  we  are 
to  have  no  carpets  in  the  apartments  where 
these  hardwood  floors  have  been  laid,  but 
these  handsome  floors  simply  emphasize  and 
italicize  a  man's  poverty  unless  they  are 
dotted  with  rugs,  and  there  is  none  so  fool 
hardy  as  to  deny  that  the  average  rug  costs 
five  times  as  much  as  the  average  carpet. 
And  the  care  demanded  by  a  hardwood 
floor  is  exacting,  for  that  shining  surface, 
upon  which  every  spot  of  dust  stands  out 
so  distinctly,  must  be  gone  over  daily  with 
263 


THE   HOUSE 

a  soft  brush,  and  must  be  wiped  up  with  a 
wet  cloth  at  least  thrice  a  week. 

Moreover  the  utmost  precaution  must  be 
practised  lest  the  surface  of  the  hardwood 
floor  be  scratched  or  be  seamed  by  the  nails 
in  one's  boots  or  by  the  legs  of  tables  or  of 
chairs.  Our  youngest  son,  Erasmus,  com 
plains  grievously  of  the  restrictions  put  upon 
him  since  he  entered  upon  this  hardwood- 
floor  epoch  of  his  career.  It  is  hard  for  the 
buoyant  lad  to  understand  why  he  is  not  to 
be  permitted  to  slide  and  skate  on  these 
floors  as  he  has  hitherto  been  permitted  to 
slide  and  skate  on  the  floors  of  the  rented 
houses  we  have  lived  in.  1  have  not  chided 
Erasmus  for  his  remonstrances,  for  I,  too,  have 
been  tempted  to  rebel  against  the  new  order 
of  things.  If  either  Erasmus  or  I  ever  build 
a  house  of  our  own  we  shall  eschew  the 
hardwood-floor  heresy  as  we  would  a  pest. 

There  is  another  evil  which  I  am  at  this 
moment  reminded  of,  and  that  is  the  fold 
ing-door  evil.  In  all  my  experience  I  have 
never  met  with  another  door  as  honest,  sen 
sible, and  trustworthy  as  the  door  that  swings 
on  hinges. 

264 


AT   LAST  WE   ENTER   OUR   HOUSE 

1  told  Alice  so  when  the  subject  of  doors 
came  up  in  our  discussions  of  proposed 
innovations  in  the  new  house.  But  Alice 
had  conceived  the  notion  that  we  ought 
to  have  a  folding  door  in  the  parlor,  and 
when  Alice  once  gets  a  notion  into  her  head 
all  creation  with  a  pickaxe  couldn't  get  it 
out  again. 

Properly  speaking,  the  door  was  not  a 
folding  door;  it  was  a  sliding  door.  When 
pushed  back  it  was  to  disappear  in  the  wall 
separating  the  parlor  from  the  front  hall. 
When  I  saw  Uncle  Si  and  his  men  con 
structing  this  door  I  expressed  the  fear  that 
it  wouldn't  work,  but  Uncle  Si  laughed  my 
fears  to  scorn;  the  trouble  with  too  many 
doors,  he  said,  was  that  they  were  made  of 
cheap  stuff;  this  door,  he  assured  me,  was 
an  A  No.  i  door  and  would  never — could 
never  —  get  out  of  place.  Then  he  showed 
me  the  rollers  and  attachments  and  proved 
their  practicability  and  strength. 

Not  knowing  any  more  about  such  things 

than  a  seacow  knows  of  the  summer  solstice, 

I  assented  to  all  his  propositions  and  went 

my  way  with  my  apprehensions  completely 

265 


THE   HOUSE 

allayed.  But  in  less  than  forty-eight  hours 
after  Uncle  Si  and  his  men  turned  over  the 
house  to  us,  bang  went  that  door,  and  no 
power  at  our  command  could  budge  it  an 
inch  either  way. 

Another  carpenter  came  and  investigated. 
Presently  he  shook  his  head  and  smiled  a 
bitter  smile.  Then  he  told  us  that  the  break 
would  not  have  happened  if  the  fixtures  had 
not  been  of  the  cheapest  make.  What  we 
required,  he  said,  was  fixtures  that  cost  ten 
dollars  instead  of  three  dollars,  our  door 
being  a  large  parlor  door  and  not  a  light 
pantry  door. 

We  bade  this  sarcastic  genius  go  ahead 
and  remedy  the  evil  as  best  he  could,  and 
the  result  is  that  the  door  now  slides  as 
smoothly  as  even  the  most  exacting  could 
wish :  this  repair  has  involved  the  expendi 
ture  of  only  fifteen  dollars,  and  I  would 
not  mention  it  if  I  had  any  confidence  what 
ever  in  the  door  even  in  its  rehabilitated 
condition.  I  know  as  well  as  I  know  any 
thing  else  that  as  soon  as  we  build  a  fire  in 
our  heating  apparatus  next  November  the 
heat  thereof  will  warp  and  twist  that  door 

4  266 


AT   LAST   WE   ENTER   OUR   HOUSE 

into  such  shape  that  it  will  be  as  impossible 
to  budge  it  as  if  it  were  nailed  down.  We 
shall  then  be  in  a  serious  pickle,  for  we  shall 
be  unable  to  enter  our  parlor. 

The  windows  all  over  the  house  are  fast  in 
their  casings,  having  been  painted  so  carefully 
by  those  rascally  painters  that  it  requires  the 
power  of  a  steam  derrick  to  raise  them.  The 
other  morning  I  tried  to  open  one  of  the 
windows  in  the  butler's  pantry,  for  the  at 
mosphere  in  that  place  was  absolutely  sti 
fling.  I  tugged  and  pulled  and  pushed  in 
vain. 

Finally  a  happy  thought  struck  me,  and 
I  hunted  up  a  hammer  and  used  it  lustily 
upon  the  obstinate  sash.  I  must  have  got 
careless,  for  after  I  had  hammered  away  for 
several  minutes  I  missed  my  aim  and  the 
head  of  the  hammer  went  through  a  pane  of 
glass. 

I  didn't  want  Alice  to  know  anything 
about  this  mishap,  so  I  furtively  hired  a  gla 
zier  to  repair  the  damage  I  had  done.  As  I 
made  no  contract  with  the  fellow  he  took 
advantage  of  me,  just  as  I  should  have 
known  by  experience  he  would.  Here  is  a 
267 


THE   HOUSE 

copy  of  the  bill  he  has  just  sent  in  for  me 
to  pay: 

"  REUBEN  BAKER,  Esq.,  to  J.  SYKES,  Dr. 

To  one  pane  glass  7x1 1 30 

To  one  day's  labor  setting  same $3.60 

Total $3.90 

Please  remit." 


[It  was  the  intention  of  Mr.  Field  to  add 
a  final  chapter  to  his  book  describing  the 
entrance  of  the  Baker  family  into  their  new 
home,  but  his  sudden  death  left  the  book 
with  this  chapter  unwritten.] 


268 


UC  SOUTHERN  REGIONAL  LIBRARY  FACILITY 


A     000  751  939     o 


